Friday, December 31, 2010

Last Remarks of 2010

This year has been one of... well it's just been one of those years. Things have been great, and things have been terrible. But, I'm not complaining, because they could have been a lot worse.

I am so grateful for everything that I had to endure this year, the good and the bad. And as much of a cliche that is I truly mean it.

I have been blessed enough to spend more time with my family from back home more than ever in this year.

I lost an aunt, but gained 2 new baby cousins, both boys and both very healthy. My family members, who never came around before are spending the new year with us and although I was skeptical at first I'm glad they're here.

After tonight, my facebook deleting spree will be over and I will have left everything about 2010 right here in this post.

The beginning of this year started off rocky but got better, and even took a turn for EXCELLENT! But all good things must come to an end and they did.

My level of mental toughness increased as well as my faith in God.

I went through something this year that rocked my world, and ultimately sparked my rebuilding process in which I am about to undergo, well have been undergoing.

My surgery went very well and I'm now at home spending time with family. I knew I wouldn't be in long but still, it felt good to be able to eat some real food.

Hospital food needs to be rethought. It's disgusting!!! I already made a complaint and it better be taken into consideration in the future lol.

I'm clearing my life of the last little bit of clutter left over from my first transformation.

I've lost friends and gained some very important ones. One in particular who I cannot wait to see once break is over.

I took control over my heart again and even made it known! I'm proud of myself and can't wait to see what the new year has in store for me.

NO New Year's resolutions just hard core declarations.

Happy New Year y'all!!!! See ya in 2011 smooches!!!!!

Friday, December 17, 2010

My December 17, 2010 Resolution

My resolution for the beginning of my "new life" as I am calling it consists of the follows:

I am going to get my car completely fixed... or get a new one.

I am going to get a better paying job.

I am changing my image (physically). I'm trying to do big things in big places where my sneakers and comfy sweats are not allowed.

I am going to become more financially independent.

I am going to start back writing everyday.

I am going to pray more.

I am going to find a place of my own... because before I graduate I want to have moved completely out of her house.

I will be a better friend.

I will be a better girlfriend, if applicable lol.

AND most importantly... I WILL TREAT MYSELF MORE TO LIFE!!!!

Fall 2010

The semester is now officially over. I got my grades. Unfortunately my G.P.A is a little lower because of that wretched C I got... my beautiful 3.5 gone and desecrated only to become a 3.4. So disappointed.

Other than that the semester was fantastic. I accomplished a great deal and even assumed some fantastic SGA positions across campus.

Classes were okay. Don't get me wrong I love school but the overshadowing affect life had me this semester made classes nothing more than another task on my list of things to do.

I enjoyed my residents and am sad that I will be leaving them for the remainder of the school year but, hey things happen and life goes on. Hopefully I will return to them in the Fall. I'll seriously miss them.

Friendships were made and some were ended but it's all good. I gave people some insight into my inner young woman and wow... it got quite the response and prompted my heart with the go ahead to what I'm about to do next.

I have to admit, I did get the urge to run from the things that were trying to drag me down. I applied to TSU, and got in. I even had decided to go. But after talking to my grandma the decision was reversed. But I still plan on taking the 6 suitcases and 4 boxes of clothes home to Texas just in case I change my mind again.

I'm finding myself at a crossroad but starting to walk in the direction in which I want to go.

With all of these changes I'm making in the coming months I hope to see an improvement in myself. In my dedication towards ME. My image is one that is being renewed... so long 2010, hello life after.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Taking it Back

A year ago Thanksgiving day, a man I felt was good for me showed me just how bad for me he was. I've been holding on to my feelings for that man all this time. Of course there were times when I felt I was over him but in truth I wasn't, and it was holding my inactive love life back.

Each time he would drop back in and I would let him, only for us to fight and separate once more. Doing nothing but destroying myself and my heart in the process. When I walked back into this house all I could think of was the last Thanksgiving I had spent here.

I sat in the room where Anthony and I had had our biggest fight and replayed the events in my head over and over. But, instead of crying, I smiled.

All I could think of was how much control I had given a man who had no control over his own life. One thing I thought I would regret but don't. That entire situation put things into perspective for me.

Love isn't something that can be forced, it has come natural.

So, I wrote him and told him thank you for all he had been when things were good and even when they were bad. And let him know I was taking my heart back because frankly, I wanted it back.

I figured that in order for me to love again I would have to be ready, and I couldn't be ready if my heart was still being mistreated.

I pushed people away because I had no love to truly give, false hope was all I could give but I wasn't willing to live like that.

So, I am in current possession of my heart, and I will be holding on to it until I feel as if someone really deserves it. My love is priceless and should be cherished as such. So, no more quick relationships and sex-based love, wait,no that's wrong... no more sex-based like.

I don't want another like him, or the rest of them. Only calling me when they need something physical, or with me because of the benefits that come with it. They can all back off and relocate with another broad because when the time is right, I want something real.

I don't know whether or not if I'm ready to love again but I do know this... Courtney's heart is where it belongs and... I'm officially over him, and the rest of them too.

Thanksgiving: Highs and Lows

-Got to spend time with the family
-Saw my brother
-Was off from work
-Read and finished an entire book that had nothing to do with school
-Decorated for Christmas
-Thanksgiving dinner (and the leftovers I've been munching on)
-Talking to all my family from back home
-Talking to my uncle Danicae, whom I haven't seen or heard from since my grandmother's funeral
-Free Chic-fil lol
-Sleeping in my own bed
-Sitting in front of the fireplace
-Real food, not that ish in the cafe
-Dad promised to go to the doctor before New Years
-Mom said she likes the song "Make it Rain" by Travis Porter

-My dad can barely walk at times now, didn't know how bad he had gotten
-Brother is going back to the sandbox for an entire year, damn army life
-I spent most of the break sick with a cold that started going away but is still
present a little
-Getting tricked into washing dishes >>> Mom says, "Did you forget how to wash dishes?" Dad cosigns, I say, "No, not at all." They both say, "Good you can wash dishes tonight." <<< lol
-Have to go back to school tomorrow, well later today
-Back to school food
-Mom sings-a-long to Make it Rain all the time now
-Surgery is getting closer and closer
-Skin broke out... I hate pimples

All in all Thanksgiving was chill, I am so thankful for all of my blessings which have come and are still coming in the forms of friends, family, and opportunities.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Village Drunk

As my alcohol induced buzz wears off I must say, this has been an interesting night. And I wann blog it all down before I forget anything.

I'm pretty sure about whats happening now so everything should be spelled correctly and written well.

To start off, my mother and I had a huge fight. Which made me upset. So, I drank with the guys down the hall. NOT SMART!!!!

But after two hours enough was enough so I left. I remember falling the hall and being dragged into my room by another RA and my bestie. No a good look.

My friend J.S. was in my room and heard some things I been holding from him.

I cried, a lot. Emotional drunk status. Then I called my brother. And I cried some more. Then, J.S. climbed into bed with me and let me cry out everything.

Then me adnd my bestie painted... oh boy what fun.

Now I'm sitting here and I'm covered in paint. In my hair and all over my clothes and all.

But I'm going to bed now...

Oh yeah, I gave J.S some advice that I hope he listens to.

Picked a fight with Mr. Fantastic, and would like fore him to know. I could be that girl but he makes me so angry with these confusing responses.

I have a great of feelings for him but at the same time, I wonder if I'm in this alone world.

Good night... church in 3 hours.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Shout Out Saturday

This week I'm shouting out Loverzquarrel, a newcomer to the Shoutout Saturday Movement. Her blog entitled, "Something I Hate About Me" is one that at one point I really could relate to, and to be honest, at times I still feel that way. This blog is one that I would love for the young ladies in my building to read. Especially those that feel as if they have to have a mans approval for anything. I applaud her for writing something so real. And hope that her quest to become self-empowered is a great one.

Something I Hate About Me

So today I will touch on the subject the thing I hate about myself. There are a few things I cannot stand about me but I will zone in on the biggest pet peeve I have with myself. I validate myself through the thoughts and opinions of others. I am not sexy until someone else says so even then I need a second opinion. I have never been self-assured a day in my life unless it comes to sex and that my dear is a blog for another day.

I am always fishing for confirmation from others. I need validation from my head to my toes. I need validation to walk down the street everyday. I can never convince myself it is my opinion that matters and no one else’s. Especially from the opposite sex, a man’s opinion of me trumps all others. I change my hair often and hate it until a man says it’s sexy of cute. I will be self-conscious until I find this approval. I know how sad this sounds I don’t make a move without a man’s approval even on my writing. The thing I should be the most confident with for it is truly my talent. As I write this I am fighting back tears because it saddens me these things are true statements. I wish I could say I was making it up but I am not it is the cold, hard, unrelenting truth. The truth is most of the time I cannot stand the sight of myself until I find someone else admiring me.

Case in point I was trying out the Mohawk look for the second time at the office took a pic of my new do hated it. Thought about getting a new do didn’t feel sexy and anyone who knows me knows I am in love with short hair. It wasn’t until a sexy co-worker complemented me on it that I felt more confident in my do. And I know I have the face for a short cut. I know y’all I am a mess. I go out of my way to look the part because I want so badly to be accepted. It is like I cannot just check in with me and be content with that.

I have absolutely no confidence in myself until of course someone gives it to me. It was stolen a long time ago and I have been ever searching for it. Someone gave me a stone of confidence and I am praying one day I will find it within me. I do not believe in me. That is why inspirational songs about loving yourself break me to the core. It is because I do not love the woman and until I do I will never trust myself. How I feel about me now depends on how you feel? If you think I am ugly so will I. Sad state of affairs I am in. I cannot even believe I am finally saying this aloud this is very personal in heart-breaking to say aloud.

I want so badly for you to like me when I don’t even like myself. Constantly, I am seeking approval from others. It kills me when I don’t get your approval. I literally ball up in a corner and cry if I don’t get approval from you. Because I care that much what you think.

I want you to take this walk with me and stop looking for the approval of others. Look in the mirror before you go to bed tonight and name one thing you love about yourself. Do this with me everyday and watch how much better you will feel about yourself.

Friday Night

No classes!
No meetings!
No duty!
No nothing!
Just me and my time.
I got some things done today and enjoyed being able to chill.
I took a risk and did something different with my hair, and people say it looks nice.
I wonder if they really like it or if they just saying that, hmmm.
Who cares, I like it.
Two strand twists!
This is my first step to going natural.
Next step... don't know yet.
Spontaneity is what I'm feeling with this going natural thing.
Maybe the big chop soon?
Movie night.
Gridiron Gang and Wrong Turn 2 with the residents (that don't go out).
Drunk residents in the lobby, one bit me, right in the left chi chi... sent him to his room.
Was going to go to bed after that.
Got a text made me mad, now I'm up again.
Didn't respond, don't want to it'll start a fight.
"I would have rather have had you biting me but you through a fit for no reason. Gosh mister, I'm trying but the slightest mistake and you blow up. Ugh! Should I give up? Tell me now because honestly I want this to happen!"
I left my homeboy to write this blog.
Now, I'm about to lay it down forreal.
Ugh, just want him to like me.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

This is what I have been waiting for. A chance to release all that has been building up within me.

Within my heart.

This is a chance for me to let my guard down. This moment in which all my stress and built up frustration can and will be released.

No hesitation. I'm just going to let go while at the same time holding on.

Everything that has been holding me back and keeping from this I am disregarding.

So here I am, I'm ready. Take hold of me and please don't let me go for I have been waiting for this since forever.

Monday, November 15, 2010

This Guy

This week should be a breeze after today so I'm hoping for the best. I pulled out my notebook and began to read some stuff aloud to my new friend and even though the things I read were very personal, he listened.

His level of intensity in which he listened was crazy high and I was grateful for that. Who would have thought that the kid from the B-side and I would be as close as we are.

He's a really good person and I am thankful for his friendship.

I have to admit though, it is kind of odd how close we have become in this short period of time.

The funny thing is, everyone thinks we're messing around, but they couldn't be further from the truth.

We are actually in the same boat when it comes to giving relationships a try. We both want a specific someone. Funny how people connect.

This guy, what can I say he's a keeper when it comes to me making new friends. A true friend, I can see that. And I hate to admit it but there are times when this guy can read me like a book.

It's weird, we just started hanging out, all because we are Dallas and Texas fans. I know, I'm shocked too... a Dallas and Texas fan from Virginia, whoa!!!

So... who is this new friend, my homie, my ace, my black friend with no rhythm lol.

This guy... my homie for life, J.S.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Shout Out Saturday "Reclaim Yourself"

A week ago this blog was written and it's something I have to admit, I will post on my wall of quotes and such. This is something everyone should do. The world is so hellbent on making sure everyone is conformed to the standards of society, which in my opinion aren't standards at all, more like easily reachable goals.

So... as Lele says here "RECLAIM YOURSELF!!!" Enjoy everyone!

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your
character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what
others think you are.”- John Wooden

“Live your life, the world will wonder why”- Avalon

I was struck by these two quotes today. It made me think and I wanted to share it with everyone.

I have never allowed myself to be held to the standards, expectations or morals of others – not in my personal life nor in business. You can’t get far living someone else’s life or someone else’s dream.

Today take time to see where you are and if you are beholden to someone beyond your God. If so, reclaim yourself.


Monday, November 8, 2010

No One Else

The girl on duty with me now can't seem to stop glowing as she tells me about her boyfriend of 2 years, and how much she loves him.

And as happy as I am for her, I can't help but think of what I've done wrong in my quest to find love. When things felt so right they were so wrong.

And as angry as these thoughts make me, I can't help but fall back into my own comfort of reassurance and tell myself on the inside that eventually love will find it's way into my heart.

And I can live with that. I admire couples that have a love so deep and so real that it touches those around them.

hmmm... sweet, sweet passion.

#NP- No One Else by Amel Larrieux

Sunday, November 7, 2010


I give up on people. I've been losing for so long right now giving up is the only option. I'm tired of fighting battles that I feel I'm not meant to win.

What's the point of trying to look out for a friend if all they're going to do is be mad at you for giving them what they have asked for. The truth.

What's the point of working so hard for something if the end result is always going to be the same. The end, nothing more but plenty less.

If you can't tell by now, lately I've been losing quite a bit and to be honest, I'm fucking tired of fighting.

What's the point of pouring your heart out to someone if all they're going to do is disregard your feelings. Treat them as if they are nothing more than spoken words with no meaning at all.

AND WHAT IS THE POINT! of trying to make sure that everything around you is running smoothly and the people around you are happy if all you're going to do is be unhappy on the inside.

I'm slowly losing a battle that was never mine to fight in the first place. I'm done trying to be there for people, I'm done trying to open my heart to love, I'm done trying to help everyone else. Until everyone else is willing to do the same for me.

You only get out what you put in, tired of trying only to be shot down when I'm not wanted and wanted when I'm the last resort.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Shout Out Saturday

It's so funny that this is the post I happened to read by her today because this is exactly how I'm feeling (Not the same situations exactly but some songs do go hand in hand with whats on my mind). Certain songs are hitting me real hard right in the chest.

Ms. Nikks, you hit the nail on the head with this one!!!

Music of The Heart

I think my iPod’s talking to me. Every song it plays has meaning to me right now.
If you were dying in a ditch and all I had to do was run you over to put you out of your agony, I wouldn’t. I’d drive away and leave you there. I guess only time will tell what’ll happen, but for now…“You don’t mean nothing at all to me…” – ‘Say It Right’, Nelly Furtado

1. God really does have a sense of humor! Why am I related to some of you people! I’m glad I have the option of choosing my friends. I’m too good for this shit. You were never a part of my everyday world and so I feel no loss in telling you that, “I’m on some new shit, chuckin’ my deuces up to her…” -Chris Brown on you b******!

2. I thought you weren’t a virgin, thought you used your cojones?! You balls deficient, spineless, assclown. You don’t know me very well huh? Did you think you were going to find the little girl you used to know? I positioned myself within your line of vision, gave you a million opportunities, “I’m gon’ need you to say something baby!” -Drake or Timbaland (who cares, it’s all about Drake)

Dear tonsils, I’m going to have you removed and placed in a jar. Then I’m gonna take you home and torture you by poking you with toothpicks everytime I walk by you, why, because…“I hate you so much right now…ahhhh!” -Kelis on you evil bastards!


Thursday, November 4, 2010

In My Feelings

It's not about finding the right one, it's about being the right one. I know that now. So... what to do, what to do?

Put myself out there I guess, but not too much. Don't want to say to much. Just enough to state my claim I guess you can say. Only say enough to disclose what you feel at times.

Did that.

Now what, you can't just say a little and expect to leave it at that right?

But what do you say? You don't want to say to much because well, it may seem as if you're coming on too strong. So you say just a little bit, while withholding the heavy stuff.

Ugh, so in my feelings. Just drowning in them, thinking about it constantly. What to do, what to do.

Make sure that I can be the one that will be able to brighten his day I guess... then what?

In my feelings... deep.

Monday, November 1, 2010


Okay, so I'm finally back to my writing... I guess I should clue y'all in to whats been going on.

Here goes...

Homecoming was from the 17th of October until the 24th. I didn't do anything but enjoy myself... and of course work.

The majority of my classes... canceled!

Then I did my Shout Out Saturday a day late! Which I apologize for because I'm actually really anxious to participate. But I will admit, I missed this past Saturday so I will def make up for it on this upcoming Saturday!

My Aunt Helen passed away... my family came up for her funeral which was held in Baltimore. I enjoyed seeing my family but I truly wish it would have been under better circumstances.

I love that I got to see them all the same though.

I'm back to a normal life, almost. I gotta get some things straight by Friday or my life will be in complete shambles.

Well it's about 3 a.m. so I'm going to call it a night. I got a meeting @ 9 a.m.

Oh yeah, ummm does anyone know why relationships are so hard to form but so easy to destroy.

Definitely making a blog about that. And uploading some other things I have written, past and present writings only though.

I spelled that last word 6 though, wrong like 6x that means I need sleep.

G'night all!!!!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Shout out Saturday on Sunday

Technically it's Sunday but it's my college homecoming and as a junior and the President of two organizations my Shoutout Saturday is being done now, on Sunday morning @ 5 a.m.

Enjoy this blog by a fellow blogger eyekandee05.. is it something everyone should read.

I can honestly say that it took a lot out of me to get up this morning and go to church. And no I’m not ashamed to say that because I’m real. The spirit of laziness was upon me so strongly…but the Holy Spirit was even stronger. I’m so glad that I made the DECISION to go, because the Word was just what I needed to hear. It would be selfish and unfulfilling of me not to share such a powerful message with you all…hope your spirit-man is edified with what you are about to read. Please feel free to share what you’ve learned (both good and bad) with others by leaving a comment.

“How long will you not decide between two choices?” (1Kings 18:21 NCV)

*A decision is an opportunity you have to determine your destiny

*Your life is the sum total of all your decisions: good, bad, or none.

*The longer you vacillate in a decision, the fewer your options and the weaker you become. Elijah said, “How long will you go LIMPING between two options?” (ESV)

* One GOOD decision can start you out of the mess of many BAD decisions.


1. A good decision is based on the wisdom of the scripture (2 Corin 6)
2. A good decision is based on the witness of the spirit. Trust in the Lord and lean not to our own understanding.
3. A good decision is neither hasty nor fearful. We are hasty when we don’t have all the facts and fearful when we will not take an action.
4. A good decision is based on your core values. When you know your core values (honesty, purity, frugality, etc.) then 95% of your decisions are already made.
5. A good decision is something that is based on your calling. What may be a good idea for others could be a very bad “fit” for your future. It is a known fact that we take heed to other people’s advice, but most times we need to listen to the Holy Spirit.


1. Anything based upon fear – fear brings haste
2. Anything based upon appearance- Eve and the fruit ~ we are awed by what we see, but it’s an illusion. We can tell appearance within the first few minutes, but not CHARACTER!
3. Anything based upon the short-term; you must be prepared to face the long term consequences
4. Anything based upon speculation; you must have a contingency plan. Saul says get rich quick schemes doesn’t provide lasting wealth.
5. Anything based upon emotion. Frustration, anger, depression will all bring bad decisions. (Joshua 7)…never cut down a tree in the winter, because you can’t decipher whether it is dead or alive, for the spring may bear fruit.


1. When my feelings or friendships get in the way of doing what is right
2. When my fear of making a wrong move paralyzes me until others end up making decisions for me.
3. When I don’t want the responsibility of leadership and prefer to be told what to do.
4. When I am over-confident that I have plenty of time to decide and procrastinate until my options are gone.
5. When I am filled with remorse and regret every time I make a decision for fear that I made the wrong one. It causes me to quickly change back and forth numerous times as each position makes me insecure. Make a decision and live with it.


1. Repent for bad decisions. They have brought no glory to God and came from your flesh rather than your spirit.
2. Check your core values with Scripture. Find out what God’s word says about your decision more than market values or previous relationships. Commit to the Word instead of emotions.
3. Write down risks and benefits to see which one out-weighs the other.
4. Trust the Lord within you. Your mind may be fooled, but your HEART is smart!
5. LET YOUR DECISION STAND! Most mistakes are made when we second guess ourselves. People cannot follow you if you keep changing your mind.

*** If you want to know where you will be in 5 years, look at the decisions you are making NOW!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Oh How I Miss That

I miss it.

The feeling of strong hands and tender lips. Mm, I miss that.

I want it more than ever, extremely deprived.

I don't know why, but my body which has been on a sexual hiatus for so long, is suddenly so thirsty for something so sweet and and strong.

There is nothing more intoxicating than the feel of a man's skin pressed against my skin.

The physical joining of two human beings is sexy yet sophisticated. When done right, it's classy and cute.

It provides a feeling so great that it cannot be replaced, mimicked, or even fantasized about in a way that would equal the feeling.

Oh how I miss the warmth of a man's body, a warmth that my blankets just can't provide.

Strong arms wrapped around me, fingers laced. This is what I yearn for.

Legs intertwined and lips pressed up against each other in a way so strong yet so soft.

The biting, the scratching, the pulling and pushing, the passion.


Oh how I miss that.

My body is thirsty for this passion, these feelings.

But oh there is so much more to these actions than the actions themselves, the emotions that drive these urges to participate in these actions, mm.

I want it, I need it.

Oh how I miss that.

*closes eyes and exhales*

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The End of Fall Break

This Fall Break was one of, well a lot of surprises. Things I had planned to do I didn't do because other things were thrown in my face.

Sounds like an excuse doesn't it? But it's not, it's the truth. It seems as if God made it clear that me trying to make plans without his permission just isn't going to happen.

Of course I had fall break this past weekend, I had planned to truly enjoy it. I've been stressing about school, and life, and my mouth (I recently said some things that I shouldn't have said so soon). And of course, family and friends.

Worrying about myself just isn't an option.

I was suppose to be off, but I had duty Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I went home Friday just so that I could get some sleep. I haven't slept that good since school started.

Saturday I went to the football game, and wanted to go to Richmond but well, that didn't happen.

Sunday was a better day. I went to church and heard a good word, then I came back to campus, where sleep is a luxury and stress is an amenity.

Monday was good, Monday night was better. Tuesday was well, it was Tuesday.

I wanted to add to my restoration blog this weekend but work got in the way. I wanted to start my black lace blog, but well, life got in the way.

I wanted to do so much but life got in the way. I guess life getting in the way is better than no life at all.

I have so much I want to blog about but by the time I get to the computer at night I'm practically holding my eyelids open my hands.

So, I'm going to put an end to this terribly written blog and get some sleep because I have class in about 8 hours and I still haven't read a lick for this class.

Good night all, hopefully tomorrow will be a lot better.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Yeah, This is Just... Well Read It

To whomever is reading this, my name is Courtney, I am 21 years of age, a junior in college, African-American, and a college student that has once again changed her mind on what she wants to study.

I am now, and permanently, will be an English major with a double minor in secondary education and Spanish.

What I wanted to do all along. But my thirst to learn has taken me partially down many different educational paths.

But I have finally re-focused.

I lose focus quite a bit actually, in fact I hand wrote this blog during my Western Lit. class.

Wait, so would that make it a blog still, or a random though I scribbled down. My professor's lecture bores me. Well it doesn't bore me, I find the Odyssey quite interesting but the way he lectures makes this class well... BORING!

I just felt like writing, didn't know what about so I just pulled out my Spanish notebook and let this BIC pen flow.

There are people outside walking and talking, ooh and she can't walk in them shoes. Maybe her feet hurt. Been there, and ugh felt that *mentally rubs own feet*.

The cutie behind m is bothering me with his tapping. I wish he would stop. I'ma give him the "stop that look."

*gives the look*

He taps more than he was before. Why do guys

*turns the notebook over*

do that? After you tell them to stop they continue on in a more annoying way then stop/.

My professor just called on a girl and she didn't respond. But she's here in class, he just doesn't know her face or which of the 26 girls in here she is. She didn't do her homework apparently.

The class giggles at her for being stupid and not doing the oral assignment and his slowness for not knowing all of us this far into the school year.

No he's not blind. But he's lecturing right and without missing a beat tells the same girl... "Uh miss, I can't remember your name but please put your cell phone away."

WWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really though, really?

Okay back to Courtney, but admit it, that's some serious malarchy.

I'm starving, haven't eaten since 7 a.m. and it's not 1:34. But for good reason though. I went to the career fair.

Ooh this handwriting is messy today. Smh at myself, I know I have great penmanship.

I never really knew what I wanted out of life when people would ask me what I wanted. But when I think about it on my own time, I do know. For the most part.

I'm going to make a goal board.

Gosh I'm hungry. The cafe is right across the street from but I'm going to C-Store it up.

Who am I? I'm asking you because I don't know. I know bits and pieces of me but not all of me. There are parts of my mind, body, heart, and soul that I have tapped into but haven't gotten to know yet.

Whoa this just got heavy for a second. Let me lighten the load.

I wish I had someone to cuddle with. I hate sleeping alone.

*turns to a fresh new page in the Spanish notebook*

The weather is nice today. Class is over so I need to stop writing , but my pen keeps moving.

I have a Spanish midterm @ 2 so I gotta break but I will continue letting my Bic right immediately after.

Maybe I'll finish it in Spanish... Think Pink.

It is now 9:17 and it's easy to see that after that Spanish midterm I did no writing at all.

My day really picked up after that midterm. I had a Spanish club meeting

#np- the truth- India Arie... i truly love this song, I love everything by her honestly.

then I had a yearbook training session, and dinner, and now here I am.

All of these extracurricular activities. I still can't believe I hold to presidential seats in organizations on this campus.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010



Saturday, October 2, 2010

Room 2**

I went to room 2** to get a fork, but I stayed a little longer than anticipated because well, I wanted to.

I wasn't expecting to see my home-girl up there but there she was, and that was cool because I don't ever see her. We laughed at the true to life co-signer that was in the room.

I mean he co-signed to everything someone said. Smh, he kind of reminded me of the guy from Pootie Tang that repeats what everyone else has to say.

Anyway, what made this trip to the second floor so funny was that the first thing I heard when I walked in was, "You Mrs. Peggy daughter, for real?"

Too funny because I didn't even know that guy. I tried to lie about it and say no but it wasn't working, I blame the football player.

This lead to the usual questions of... "So you get all kinds of special privileges and stuff don't you?" and, "You got all the pull on campus huh?" And the ever famous, "I bet you get away with everything!"

It's true, I do, but who cares. Okay, I'm not gonna lie, the privileges of having this last name and being her daughter are some that I reap on a daily basis.

But shhhhh! it's a secret.

But oh yeah, the guys of 2**, they're funny. Pretty chill. They have this friend, I don't like his name, and if I put real names in the blog you probably wouldn't like it either.

It just doesn't fit him. His middle name yes, his first name, uh uh no way jose. Don't like it. He was easy to pick on, he said he wasn't getting mad for real but, I think he was.

He said stop that like a gazillion times, like I was really going to, smh. And yes, he was the co-signer, I should start calling him Trucky.

Umm who's next, the football player, I known him for a little while. He's a chill dude. He taught us how to cheat on a test, but I can't share that with y'all. Be letting the cat out of the bag. Oh yeah he's the one with the forks lol.

His name fits him. No nickname necessary, well not from me anyway. Come to think of it... does he have one? They might of said it but I can't remember.

And the other guy, his name is alright, but I like his nickname better. He seems pretty cool. I pretty much took over his bed and he was okay with it. It's not like he was using it at the time. He was on the computer.

I like to be comfortable. So I climbed in. Once he said something about the blanket it was a wrap. I would of grabbed the pillow but I didn't know if he was a drooler or not.

Next time I'll ask. Oh but he is a Cowboys fan. Y'all know I love my Cowboys.

Anyways, all of these nicknames floating around and they thought it necessary to give me one >>> Lil D or was it Lil Davis??? I can't remember but I'm sure I'll hear it again.

Room 2** is pretty chill. After watching a few episodes of my wife and kids and watching a Wendy's bag get thrown around the room I believe I will be going back. Don't know when, but I will...

Friday, October 1, 2010

4 Strangers and Sex

Wednesday night was something like a funny night. I spent hours in J.D. and D.M. room, along with Fae. It's funny because the sole purpose of going up there was pizza.

A little background, the 2 guys, well I speak to J.D. on a regular basis but I don't know him all that well. I know little stuff like his first and last name (maybe because we have the same last name lol), and that he's an agriculture major.

D.M. I just met Wednesday night. I still don't know him that well but he's chill, according to the two other people in the room the faces he was making were priceless. (I only caught two of them).

And Fae, the virgin (that will matter more in a minute). She's cool, I don't like to many females but she's alright. I don't really know to much about her but after one of our talks, she is a little boy crazy (see the random thoughts and emotions blog, she's the one I referred to). She just lost her dad, so I pray for her more than I used to.

But moving along, none of us know more than the particulars about one another. I was just up there fr pizza, and Iron Man 2. But in the midst of Iron Man 2, a sexual comment was made and then began the overflow.

At around 12ish the room started talking about sex... and at around 4ish, the conversation ended.

What is funny about this is that naturally, the V-card holder asked the most questions. Such as:

-How does it feel when you're getting ready to... you know climax.
J.D.- It's the best feeling in the world; D.M.- It's like all your energy from everywhere goes right *points* there; and me well, I made a sound.

-Sex seems so overrated.
J.D. says what and D.M. and I both agree that if someone is having bad sex, they'll think sex is overrated.

-Is the whole experience different for guys and for girls.
We all said yeah, duh! girls like the passion, guys just wants the nut.

Questions like that brought up statements. Like the faces guys make when they climax... too funny.

I asked why girls always have to get completely naked first, or be the only one to be completely naked?

I got no answer, but I still want one. Someone should answer that for me. Facebook or twitter question I suppose.

For hours all we did was talk about sex.

They laughed at me for feeling myself up.

Yeah, I caress my chi-chis, don't know why, it's just natural. It's so normal, most of the time I do it without thinking.

Fae asked D.M. if he was straight, only because of the way he laid in the bed. WEIRD!!

She asked me something but I couldn't remember. For a virgin she really liked the sex dice, she and J.D. are both freaks on the low and will probably do it before the year is out.

We all, well except for the virgin, shared some pretty intimate sexual details.

D.M. said something about sex being naturally good for you... I can't remember but when I do, I'll post it.

It's funny what for strangers will talk about. It was fun though, we're all going to do it again real soon.

Maybe this time I'll get J.D. and Fae to get in bed together, because the other night I got close, but no cigar.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


Due to the fact that I don't want to go to bed yet, and am not sleepy I just spent the last 2 hours in the pool room, not shooting pool. Just talking.

MJR, the guys I was cooling with, are actually pretty cool. R I kick it with in the pool room every now and then. I like him, he's a sweet guy that I'm hoping will get what he wants. He didn't talk much at first but he came around.

J, I actually just really learned him tonight. He's cool, I kinda sorta like him too, don't really know him that well but he seems chill. He says some funny stuff.

And M, he's not even a Quad resident but he's always here. Funny, I like him too. He's oddly funny. He's the guy in the movie that tries to be funny but isn't, so it's funny.

I like them all, pretty cool people, each one verbally expressed their that they wanted some p****. So nasty, but new friends regardless lol.

Anyway, MJR taught me a few things tonight. Like acronyms, things that make sense but make no sense at all.

For example, DTF girls. Now, I'm not too slow but I wasn't really sure what this meant. I guessed it right though, Down To F***. I know, it's funny isn't it. Or WTF, no not what the f*** but Worth The F***. I actually like that one.

They talked about sex, they were all horny little toads. Funny thing is, none of them wanted what they saw, the girls were too drunk for them or they didn't feel like going outside to approach them. Guys.

I even learned J's name, which I didn't know before tonight.

We shared some funny stories, laughed at people's slowness, and imitations of Kevin Hart, I need to see that movie.

I'm going to do a program on how woman should learn to not be so difficult now. My idea that R said I should really do. Hmmmm thinking, thinking.

What else... oh they wanted to smash drunk girls with low self-esteem. R even petted the air. That was too funny.

J tried to force R to take some keys that clearly didn't belong to him, hilarious, you had to be there.

Tonight was pretty chill, hilarious actually. Random funny stuff, just how I like my funny.

I learned some things about them that I will keep in mind when I see them. It's funny what you can gather about people when you all have a relaxed conversation and random laughter.

The guys were funny, made my night for real. Now off to bed, I got church in the morning, well in about 6 1/2 hours.

I do have some serious thoughts running through my mind, but I will definitely blog about them later. I got a funny buzz and I'm not tryna kill it.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Sleeping Alone

I hate sleeping alone.

I mean really, my bed would be so much more comfortable with someone in it with me. But that's not happening.

I'm not trying to go to bed right now because the simple thought of knowing I'll be sleeping alone bothers me.

It's funny though because I'm not in the mood to have sex I just want to fall asleep wrapped up. But it's been so long since I just laid in the bed with someone's arm wrapped around me that at this very moment, at 1:15 in the morning all I want is that.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Well, maybe I'll get the chance sooner rather than later because right now, I'm not feeling this single ish.

I'm going to bed before I spill my guts all over this blog. I'm not ready to share those yet.

#np- yo side of the bed

Puzzled Face

I have no clue where to start... how about from right before the beginning. This guy that I had an argument with once about Virginia not being the South but being the Mid-Atlantic approached me letting me know that he asked his professor about our argument and I was right.

My first educational argument with a grad student and I won. Personal kudos to me! Anyway, he asked me if I was romantically involved with anyone, and yes he used those words. Anyway it was a little weird because he is so not my type.

He's soft, not a very strong tone... not my type. Sorry darling but I'll argue with him anytime about history.

Anyways, this funny encounter led to one that well, left me puzzled. it started off chill but, you know me, always messing things up.

I had been waiting on this... forever. Something I been craving for. It made me smile. My mind was racing, like zoom ------->.

"He's stronger than I thought, I like it... floor is cold, glasses are in the way, just don't stop. Okay stop thinking, otherwise you'll stop for real. Uh-oh to late... here it goes, shutting down, wait no not yet.

Wow he is really a lot stronger than I thought. Focus Courtney focus, uh-oh Houston we have a problem."

And just like that I was... done I guess you can say. I don't know what it is but my drive to have sex isn't where it use to be. Why is this? I don't even know. I wanted to, so bad, I was going to make myself. But I couldn't.

Yesterday I made a promise to make sure things would be different. That is a promise I will most definitely keep.

I have to, otherwise I might not get another chance. Slowly losing. How can you be in love with someone but not willing to make love to someone?

It's possible because that's how I feel.

How I feel and what I want to feel are two different things. I'm pushing myself to be able to follow up my feelings with actual feelings, it's going to take some serious, contemplation but I can do it. I have to.

This is so difficult! Going on a road trip, think I'll use this time to think on some things. Especially him.

On the other hand, he said something to me yesterday that I haven't been able to get out of my head.

#np- If I have my way- C.Michelle

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Random Thoughts and Emotions

I miss him, seriously... didn't think I'd miss him this much, but I do.

I can't stand how overly dramatic she is... it disgusts me every time.

The guy sitting next to me right now is kind of cute but I heard he's bad news so he just became extremely unattractive.

I miss my grandpa.

I made a new friend, he's mad cool.

I made a new female friend, she's a little boy crazy, but cool nonetheless.

I never really wanted to play sports at this school, I did it because sports has always been a part of me and I didn't know how to let it go.

People have been calling me Madame President all day, elections are tomorrow and I got a good feeling I'm taking it home lol.

The boy at the computer station across from me keeps making eye contact with me, he's cute but he's staring!!!! WEIRD!!!!

The loud rude ass people that just walked into the library lab are exactly why I'm making this next statement.

I hate rude college students. I would love to right hook them all and demand that they show respect to these professors and these faculty/staff members.

The bad boy next to me keeps staring at my screen... HE SHOULD STOP!!!! NOSY ASS!!!!

I have a presentation tomorrow I am so not ready for.

I miss some of the friends I had in high school, the ones that I was actually cool with the entire four years (there were only two like that).

I miss PT Thompson, even though we had major problems.

I miss my baby Shaivonne... she's in daycare now so I never see her like I use to.

Did I mention I miss my friend.

Gotta get my car fixed, or get a new one, so I can get up there and see him.

Okay... I'm about to call it a emotional dishing night. Later.

Burnt Out

I have been playing sports for as long as I can remember. Everyday for the last 21 years sports has been a part of my daily schedule. Always. Whether I was playing myself or traveling with my mom the coach, sports has always been a major aspect of my life.

But I'm tired, and if anyone ever really took notice in my "More Than a Ball Player" blog, they would see that this feeling really dates back to then. I've been feeling this way since then.

I just can't seem to force myself to feel that drive again. I'm trying but it is so hard. And I hate to say but I'm going to take a break. There are so many other things I want to do with my life but I can't focus on them if I'm always bummed about having to leave them and go to practice.

I'm burnt out, tired of waking up early for practice then staying up late to make time for my studies and the things I enjoy more.

So, my final decision is this: I will not play any official college level sports this year. I am taking my hat out of the race and focusing on letting my own light shine in on campus organizations.

This part of me that has been suppressed for so long so, so long sports, hello extracurricular activities.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

My Feng Shui

I hadn't slept well in a while until last night. I don't what it was, there were so many made observations as to why I wasn't sleeping but nothing definite.

Bad television usually makes me fall asleep but lately it hadn't been bad at all. So, I've been awake, mostly on Facebook and doing homework. Some nights I would read just so I could pass the night by a bit faster.

But last night, a new friend of mine said that my feng shui was off. Show, I did a little feng shui-ing and talked to him for a little while longer. It was actually a funny conversation.

Anyways, after some feng shui-ing and a little more talking I decided to go to sleep, and guess what????? I SLEPT GREAT!!! ALL NIGHT!!!! In fact, I almost overslept, which I haven't done since freshmen year.

So #shoutout to my homie Cory for the feng shui-ing idea!!!

Sunday, September 12, 2010


Yes, it is really 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. I don't know why... nothing is really troubling my spirit. I'm just... not sleeping.

Something must be bothering me of course but what exactly?

My friend Dana is giving me remedies to help put me to sleep, but i think I'm just going to go in-lining for a bit. Skating generally knocks me out.

My roommate says its because I'm sleeping alone. And as retarded as she is, she could be right. I miss having a man in my bed.

Even if just for a few hours.

I hate this feeling. I;m not going to be on my P's and Q's tomorrow unless I get a good nap in.

Good nap=3 hours.

Church starts at 10 and I'm supposed to be getting picked up at 9:40. How many hours is that from now, like 5.

Enough time for me to sleep, shower, iron, dress, do hair... no breakfast. Won't have time for it.

Maybe I'll eat an early lunch, nope got things to do... hopefully I'll make it to Foster for dinner because that will the only meal I'll have today.

Hmmm... takeovers can be tiring, yet make you restless.

Alright I'm going to bed, once this song goes off (Make you feel that way-Blackalicious).

Well, after I replay it. Good night!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Kanye West - POWER

So, I was reading a Likes and Dislikes blog and one of the dislikes was Kanye's eyes in the Power video, which I had never seen before. So, I youtubed it and this video ^ came up.

Now, everyone talks about the ROC Nation being a part of the illuminati. Ummmm yeah I'm just a little concerned with kanye's sanity now... but I'll still listen to the music.

I feel like in this video clip Kanye himself is portraying some sort of god, like back in the 14th and 15th centuries when people believed in gods and goddesses. Could this be Kanye's world? Hell on Earth for him.

I wonder where the long hallway behind him leads to? Why his guards are two young women dressed as angels with devil horns?

Why two women are pouring water over themselves, cleansing their souls maybe? What is the purpose of all these contradicting symbols?

And oh yeah... why is it that Kayne apparently is coming to his demise as at 1:27 in the video the man and woman are going to stab him with their swords.

Stop the video @ 1:27 though, it would make for a pretty cool picture for someone to sketch out. (Maybe I'll do it)

But my biggest question is to one of my fellow blogger's... How do you feel about this symbolism?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

This Semester

This semester, despite my recent "revelation" I am really planning a massive takeover. Something so huge that the only person on the whole campus that can stop me, if possible, would be the president.

First things first, I'm running for SGA Chief of staff in the Spring. I am entering the Mr. and Miss Quad pageant. Don't have a mister for that but I could run a country by myself.

Oh yeah, I'm planning another fashion show, it'll be at Bland again but it's going to be bigger than the first. I want to really make a difference with the money we raise.

I'm having this basketball bash of a tournament in March. It's gonna be HUGE!!!!!

I might run for Miss VSU, don't really know yet. Might just settle and run for Miss Senior.

I know, all this girlie stuff. What else...

Oh yeah... I'm going to start a Youtube channel. VSU Diaries. I want it to be good though. I don't want it to be something crazy and raunchy and trashy.

I want it to be real. It'll definitely have something to do with me but at the same time it'll be about State.

My life here at school in a way. Finally, my own reality show lmao.

Special, I know.

But the biggest thing for me, I'm planning on inquiring about maybe doing an advice column. You know, something like an Ask Amy type of deal.

Who knows?

But I'm excited. I'm going to do a lot more too. Try and join BBS and everything. Can't wait!!!!!

Things are looking up... they always do I just don't see it right off the back.

Buenos noches!
If I quit playing ball will that part of me die along with it. I just have this notion that if I stop balling I'll lose it.

Well lemme clear this up, I'll still ball every now and then. There is no way I can just give it up cold turkey.

I just feel as if now is the time for me to do whatever I'm feeling and I'm not feeling ball right now.

My friend said it's me maturing. He could be on to something, I even dress like a girl now, everyday seems like.

My brother said it's me finding the rest of me. That I've only channeled the athletic side of me and that the feminine side is pushing through.

Who knows? The hardest thing about this though, is telling coach I'm not going to play. Ah boy.

Seems like I been running in circles, trying to find my way and the path I'm taking is so different from the one I had envisioned myself taking.

On a side note, I really got to stop this crying so yeah... over that punk ish.

Brighter day- Kirk Franklin

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Trading In My Sneaks for Pumps????

In my closet sit a fresh pair of Nike game shoes. Next to them sits a pair of black stiletto pumps.

What to choose what to choose?

This decision makes me question if I even know who I am anymore. A few years ago I would have never even contemplated this decision. And now I'm thinking about it more and and more.

It's crazy how you change when you're surroundings do.

I questioned whether or not I was trying to fit in but I'm not. There is just so much else I want to do.

I skipped practice today. I was in the library studying. One thing about college more important to me than ball is my grades.

I realize every blog I get a little sidetracked. Sorry... yeah then again not sorry my mind is random deal with it.

I just lost it right here in the library. Girl asked me if I was okay and if she needed to call someone for me.

It is time for me to go. But I will def finish this up later in another blog. Can't focus anymore. Night

Saturday, September 4, 2010


It's labor day weekend and where am I? In the library of course.

Oh a little sidenote, I can check out up to 20 books at a time from the library. Do you know how much reading I'm going to get done this semester outside of my classes! YES!

Okay anyway back to this... I'm in the library planning for things. The fashion show and the basketball tournament to be exact.

I have other things that I'm going to work on this weekend too. Like homework, do some leisure reading, decorate my dorm room.

I'm pretty much chillin' on campus. Car transmission is slipping so she's parked until further notice.

I'm still horny and if I had a man he'd be kickin' it with me this weekend since my pothead of a roommate went home.

Glad she's gone, I enjoy having the room to myself.

I'm going to go ahead and do some homework for next week too. Gotta stay on my toes with this school thing. So for the next three days I'll more than likely be in The Quad (dum dum dummmm).

Or here in the library. Which is where I live. Our Library Lab is 24 hours. I can be in the basement on the computer doing homework or in the stacks reading. Gotta love it!

Well lemme get back to all this planning.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

So In Need

Okay hormonally I'm back I guess you can say. I am in such need of some good thang thang right now it's ridiculous. I mean really, my sexual organs are craving for some attention.

I have no idea why, nothing has changed. Well except school has started and I'm surrounded by some pretty fly brothers. And that's all well and good. Looking never hurt anyone but, none of them are what I like.

Cute yeah, but... mentally these little boys are so not what I crave.

I'm trying to continue on in my quest to be abstinent. That's right, I still haven't had any. You know, that could be the reason for this sudden burst of horny-ness (<-- definitely not a word) this urge of wanting it so badly.

I have to admit though that I kind of miss that feeling of a strong hand gripping my back, ooh and sweet kisses.

But I can't give in to temptation, especially not here on this campus where more students have sex more than they go to class.

But it's college who cares right? I do. There are entirely to many cases of God knows what going around and there are entirely too many guys with big mouths out here.

I could catch something and the word would get out that Mrs. Peggy's daughter is a freak as my friend so eloquently put it.

So there it is, my motivation to stay this way. In this conflicting situation. Oh but my time will come once again and I will be mad at myself for giving in yet satisfied.

But until that time comes I'm just going to fight these urges and handle these withdrawals like a true soldier.

Now would be a good time for me to drown myself in responsibility.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

All I Needed Was A Little Push

After that last blog about me not feeling as passionate about basketball I hadn't stepped foot into the gym. It got so bad that I wouldn't even walk through it. I walked around it.

The small workout room in The Quad even became my worst enemy. I was so upset at the fact that things had went the way they went. First I lost my drive and then I lost the respect of my so-called teammate.

Someone who is supposed to have my back. She turned on me, didn't inform me that we would be starting our individual practices and preseason workouts. She pretty much said that I have no spot on the team.

That I wasted my time busting my ass all summer long. That I wasn't ready, that I belonged in the stands not on the court, or the bench for that matter.

That was my push.

I went to the gym today and busted ass all by myself. I ran for a bit then shot around for a little over an hour. Then I went in the weight room and lifted. It felt good to be back in my corner.

The place where I am most comfortable. Where my mind is at peace even though my body is in constant motion. The place where I can cry, laugh, dance, smile, be angry yet calm, the place where I lay my burdens down. Even if just for a few moments.

It is my sanctuary. Where I can turn off all the lights, open the balcony windows and have enough of God's light to do what I gotta do.

This is where I belong, I regret leaving it for even that small amount of time but I'm back, with open arms it accepts me and welcomes me back.

All I needed was that push, so thanks girl for leaving me out. And like I said yesterday.

Why didn't you tell me? no answer... oh you scared now, you should be because now more than ever I want your spot. And I'm coming.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Making Moves

Every school I have ever attended I have been a part of something, or done something worth a little recognition.

In elementary school I was a part of the infamous Safety Patrol Squad and wrote for the school newspaper. I still have those papers by the way. And I won a few spelling bees.

In middle school I joined book club and continued with girl scouts and such. Played sports still and did the dancing thing. But it was in middle school I learned one of my greatest talents, in my opinion. I learned to play the cello and read music.

Ahhh the mellow sounds of a beautifully crafted instrument.

Then in high school I continued with my music, slowly drifted away from dancing for a bit but got back into it. Played varsity sports, joined the Spanish club, the book club, Established Divine Sisters in Worship and hosted a radio show.

So at Richard Bland I joined and became the President of Student Ambassadors, joined student assembly, became a member of the Appeals committee, worked, and of course made good grades.

With all of that being said and quite a bit not being said, it would only make sense for me to continue on and be a part of things just as great right?

Which is why I am running for the Chief of Staff position at VSU. Why not, I want to be able to leave a legacy behind that doesn't only consist of...

"Courtney Davis, student-athlete and Peggy Davis' daughter."

I'm also, applying to be the Yearbook writer and sports editor. Fixing my educational goals and Double-Majoring again... in English (minor in secondary education)and Hospitality (with a concentration in event planning).

Radio Show is going well. The board looks great. I'm focusing on sports for now because according to our GM the seniors and grad students are the only ones to have their own 3hr segments. And they suck!!!! I could do so much better.

In my trial I did.

But all in all, I'm about to make some major moves on this campus. Moves that will rock all of Petersburg and maybe even Richmond.

Oh and, could I possibly run for Miss Senior or Miss VSU... who knows. But I'm contemplating it... heavily.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Giving It Up?

I'm losing my love for it. For some reason I'm just not as passionate. I don't know why... practicing and playing is just, not fun anymore.

I wake up dreading early morning workouts, which I never use to mind. I go to afternoon workouts tired before I even lace up my sneakers.

Maybe I burned myself out over the summer, put my body through to much. I still go play even when I don't have to but it's not fun. It's all serious all the time. I pushed and pushed myself...

And for what? To find myself not having the drive I use to. Maybe it's just nerves.

So many maybes, to many maybes and no definite answers. Sad isn't it. When you have no reason for an action.

Could this really be it? Could I really be considering giving it up? Never thought I'd have this thought...

But never say never right?

Friday, August 20, 2010

Hands Off

21 years old - 29 years old

Work relationship only. Casual conversation about nothing. Hey how ya doings? and such. Then one day... a serious question. One that came from an observation that was made.

An observation that was made because of my fingernails.

Who notices stuff like that about me. I wonder if anyone else would have picked up on that. How my fingernails reflect how I'm feeling.

Ever since those days of us promising that this friendship would never be more than that, that we would never cross that line... we crossed it. Years ago, when something was morally wrong with it.

And never once was I ashamed. A little upset about the fact that I had lowered my own level of integrity. But, enjoying the comfort of him.

Not only physically but emotionally as well. Actually, come to think of it... as the years went on we became closer and closer.

I truly cherish what we have, it is something I have never experienced, something that I am grateful for.

To this day, he still checks my nails. Even though we see each other everyday almost, he still checks them.

All of this, what we do, the conversations we have. The hours we spend sitting right next to each other just talking.

I cherish it.

There is nothing like a man that respects your decision to not want to be physically intimate. One that never brings it up out of respect for your decision.

Wow... never ever heard of that.

But yeah, this is too be cherished. To bad it's something that can't go any further than it has. But oh it has been considered.

In fact, it'll probably be considered again tonight.


154 A

I am now a resident of "The Quad," sounds kind of diesel doesn't it. Like the gangsta of all dormitories.

Please believe though, it is everything but. The only thing that I am not pleased with as far as my living situations are concerned is that well, I SHOULD BE IN MY LOFT!!!!!

But, that's what I get for depending on others. Waiting and waiting and waiting for them to handle their half of things and it never gets done.

Definitely looking to move into a single now instead. Can't depend on other people, it's not possible when you're me.

But anyways back to "The Quad"(dum dum dum)hahahaha.

The gangsta of all dormitories is loaded down with juniors, seniors, a few sophomores, my roommate being one of them), transfers, and exchange students.

Brand new building, community rooms that are absolutely chill, a game room in which I will be hustling, we got pool tables, and a workout room that I will be in when not in the library.

Which is literally next door. I am so amped about that!!!! I know I'm a nerd.

The roommate is cool, she's only a sophomore, but cool nonetheless. I will def do a blog on her b/c she is, how do I put this, always higher than the sky and drunker than a skunk.


Well, I gotta go later!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Just A Little Under The Influence

I safely celebrated my birthday by not drinking and driving, and I even kept the emotional b.s. to a very low minimum. In fact, I only made one drunk phone call, to my friend.

He shoulda been my bestie but lately, he's had no time for me. I kinda figured he wouldn't. It's something that has been evident since my screw-ups.

And thats cool to a certain extent, but damn... but anyway, I can't seem to really get a answer for the questions I have now and in all honesty. It's starting to agitate me just a bit.

Oh well, can't try forever right? So I guess thats my cue to just try and be regular friends. Best friendship can't be forced and thats what was trying to happen.

I realized that after I whatevered him on the phone. And thats fine.

After that phone call I was a little relieved, in fact released from my own mind. From my own thoughts about our friendship and my relationships with other people, it all became so clear to me.

The cliche was right, a drunk womam never tells no tales because after that I realized one thing. It's all good in the hood baby. It's back to the way its always been.

Me, loving me... and thats the way it goes. And yes, I am enjoying a nice glass of Moscato right now.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Ain't Nothing Like A Close Family

I had an absolutely amazing time at home. My Grandma Janie got moved into a nursing home into Bastrop, which means she's closer to the family. My ane Helen is still in the hospital but, she is holding on.

My family finally let me breathe and stopped pampering me. I partied quite a bit, in fact, I drank so much I could still be a little intoxicated now lol. I enjoyed every minute with those sap tappers.

I didn't have to do any fighting this year, the fellas handled that since they were all out at once. Usually them boys locked up, sad but true. I was glad though because I really wasn't trying to fight anyone.

I'm growing up lol. Speaking of, I did quite a bit of shopping. Way to much shopping. But that's another blog.

I ran into an old friend too. It was really good to see him. And it was nice to have him around in a place where our relationship was a thing of beauty, not... "Why she don't want a brother, all over that white boy like that?" or "Is he really dating her, but she's not blonde, she's black."

I miss that, not our relationship, but the beauty of it. The part where we were so comfortable together that nothing else mattered.

The rodeo was fantastic, I didn't win anything big but I met some amazing riders. Enjoyed the carnival.

Celebrated my birthday with the fam, that was SO TOTALLY WICKED!!!! Man what can i say about these people, I love 'em to death. They are my life, and I'd give anything for them.

A lot more happened but, I don't feel like typing it all out lol...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Jewel "MissFancy" Davis

Since I've been home the fam has been taking great care of me. And although I love the papmering, I'm getting a bit tired of it. So, I went and picked up my cousins and did what we girls do best.

Spent that money! Oh my, we have been shopping for the past 2 dayws now and I have bought some cute stuff, and some stuff meant only for the eyes of, well me for now lol.

I'm enjoying the time here at home, glad that my family is starting to treat me normal again. I hate being treated like a patient.

Anthony called me, about 4x a day until I finally answered him yesterday. He's back in Virginia. Playing in a tournament in Arlington, wants me to come see him play.

I'm thinking about it, I have nothing else to do that weekend. At the same time, I know I shouldn't go. But, I do need to get some ish off my chest.

Oh but yeah, back to the shopping. My sisters in VA think I'm being extremely girly so they have changed my name. Hence the title. I think it's kinda cute. It's my girly alter ego.

Ahhh boy, I can't wait to hit up Round Rock Outlets tomorrow. Buying some stuff that I can wear during the day too.

Because since I been here I been buying stuff that I can only party in. smh I haven't partied this much in years. Slowly getting back to me. And funny thing is, I told my best friend i'd come back wanting it...

and well, I want it. BAD!!! oh boy smh at myself.

Well, I'm about to savage another drink and some rocky road ice cream (my fav), lata folks.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

My Grandma Janie

FINALLY!!!! I am home. I have been waiting on this all summer. I just love being here. My trip has started off a little rocky though.

As soon as my Ane Sandra picked us up from the airport we went straight to Austin Medical, my grandma Janie is in the hospital. I had no idea.

I figured that her sugar was just way to low again and her blood pressure was way up. It always that way.

She has raised this entire family. From my mom to the great great grands. She is the one that fixes things, handles it all. She is who we go to, even my grandma delois goes to her at times.

She has one son, but he's as crooked as they come. Fake old reverend, him and his wife May Kat.

I walked into her room excited to see her, but my spirits were immediately crushed when I saw her.

My grandma has lost entirely to much weight. A lot her hair has fallen out. Her entire left side is swollen, she can't even lift her arm. Her skin in peeling all over arms and legs, her face, back... everywhere.

My grandmas eyes are normally wide open and happy, but now they're just red. I asked her if she was in pain and all she said was, baby at my age and in my condition you can only hope to feel no pain.

Seeing her that way made my eyes water so bad I had to let my tears roll. I couldn't help it, I was just sad.

She told me I had nothing to cry about, that she was fine. That I needn't be concerned. But I have to be, I'm not ready for her to leave me. But I know that time is coming.

She said she saw my grandpa the other day, and he's been long gone. It always seems, when the folks in our family get ready to go on to glory they talk to those already there.

I need her to stay. To guide me.

She told me to stop worrying about everyone else, that she doesn't want me to be like her. See, I am Janie. I care for my family before I care for me. I put my health, heart, and me in my entirety on the backburner. Like she does.

She said that I need to prepare myself for the worst because it's coming. I know what she means, I've known for a few weeks now. I just haven't wanted to admit it to myself. Or to my friends.

Janie doesn't want me to be like her, so busy caring for the family and my friends that I push the people trying to care for me away.

I'm scared of losing her, of becoming like her, regretting not taking care of myself. I'm going to enjoy this trip.

Visit her every day, and enjoy the rest of my family.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

If You Really Knew Me

There are a few shows on MTV that actually grab and hold my attention, like My Life as Liz and The Hard Times of RJ Berger. True Life, I love, and I even catch myself watching Teen Mom.

But this new show that airs on Tuesdays, If You Really Knew Me, has really caught my attention. If you haven't seen it, you should definitely try and watch it.

The show is about high school students who undergo a 'challenge day.'

They are taken out of their comfort zones, pulled away from their cliques and grouped into small groups of other people.

Jocks, preps, cheerleaders, nerds, band geeks, orch dorks, skaters, trouble makers or thugs, the drama kids, the potheads, the nobodies, etc. etc.

All of these kids were put into groups with each other, one person from each clique in a group.

How would that work? They sat in circles all around the room just looking at each other, trying to decide whether they really wanted to open up to these perfect strangers.

Each person revealed something or somethings about their personal lives starting each sentence with, "If you really knew me..." WOW!

This was something so moving to watch, to see perfect strangers open up to each other and cry and express just how they felt about themselves and their lives.

People confessed things like attempting suicide, not having parents, doing drugs, feeling worthless, one guy even came out of the closet. It was amazing to see these kids embrace each other and show each other love.

One thing they did was an exercise in which a question would be asked and if the question applied to you, you were to walk to the other side of the room.

To see just how much people have in common emotionally, and how they came together so quickly is something that every high school student should experience.

This, I believe would really change the atmosphere of a high school. No, it wouldn't be perfect, but it would be better.

The connection one person can have with another when they both can lean on each other emotionally is something to be held on to with care.

Ugh it's a great show... to those of you reading, you should really try to watch it.

Saturday, July 24, 2010


All the other women in my family beat this, with the exception of two, why should I right? I tell you, the things you inherit from family huh?

I guess I pay no attention to it because I'm scared. Well, more nervous than anything. Never really liked going to the doctor's anyway. I mean, why go if you only leave feeling sick and miserable.

Whatever this biological ish they got me taking sucks, I haven't had it shoved into me in weeks.

I'm stubborn, if I don't want to do it I won't. And as stupid as that is... it's just the way I am.

I've skipped the last four appointment's because well, I can't stand to feel the way I feel.

I gotta grow up and deal, but I don't want to.

Ummmm in other news, I went apartment hunting today. It was very exciting. This is what I need, to get out of this house and stop dreading going home after work.

Ugh, I can barely stand the excitement.

I haven't seen any of the sisters in a while but they give me an earful when we talk. Always fussing at me about not taking care of myself and such.

It's just that I have so much to do. I'm working 7 days a week now, but I will get a vaca from work when I go home. But I've got things to handle there too.

Visiting Ashton's grave first, burning my flag like we promised. Sad, but ready to officially let my hurt go.

Jumping back into old Courtney Friday night, runnin' with my cousins out to Le Grange to handle some business, pay off they lil' debts so they can start over fresh like I had too. Fighting not really what I'm trying to do, but when I go home, it's always something going down.

The first two days will be good during the day but hell on earth at night. Sunday things will be cool, and my trip home will really begin. I can't wait to see my grandmother, I miss her soooooo much.

I'm thirsty for her wisdom and reassurance. The kind of love only a grandmother can give.

My family back home is everything to me, I'd take care of them before I'd help the people in my own house because when I was going through the people in my house refused to be there. But back home in Bastrop County, they've always held me down.

Ever wondered if there was really a such thing as a soul mate? and if homeless people ever feel sorry for the unhappy filthy rich people?

Oh ummm tattoos on deck I believe... 21 in 19 days, Va Beach here I come.

TEXAS IN 5 DAYS!!!! OH I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will most def also catch up on some sleep. I havne't slept well in about two weeks, falling alseep @ like 3 wakin' up @ 5:30, taking hour long cat naps.

But hey, at least I'm not guzzling energy drinks like some people I know (you know I'm talking about you trouble), you really oughta stop drinking those things they're so bad for you.

Saturday, July 17, 2010


Some people are placed in your life for a reason, others are only meant to be around for a season. Some people come into your life right on time, when you need them... while others leave before their time. The hard thing to do is determine who is worth keeping around for all of the RIGHT reasons, and knowing who will never leave.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Feeling, Not Like I Used To

Ever felt a certain way about something but experienced something that made you not feel that way anymore. Like your feelings decreased in a way?

I'm feeling like that right now. I don't know why... I mean, let me re-think this statement. I still have that good feeling but right now it's being suppressed. And yes I am doing it on purpose. I need to, it's only right.

I have one question that I can't seem to answer on my own.

Why is it that people can never let go of the things you did you wrong. About the mistakes you made? Why is it that when even when trying to make things right all they can do is rag on you about messing up?

Can someone answer that for me because I been racking my brain trying to figure it out and I have yet to come up with an answer that seems right.

... thinking... thinking... thinking...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I Call Them Grown Men

I got a sweet tooth for "the older man." I don't know why but I do. It's something about a gentlemen a few years older than me that makes me smile.

I'm not saying I like them old as they come but generally 6-10 years older. Weird as it may be it's true. I don't know why but I'm drawn to them. Grown men is what I call them.

Sophisticated and fly. Intelligent brothers making their marks in the world. Running things. Smooth yet a little rough around the edges.

I like them tall and built right, inside and out.

I love the bookworms, they are so sexy to me. Nothing to me is sexier than a smart man that knows his stuff. Built ford tough on the outside though. Strong in his stance.

I'm not asking for a Morris Chestnut look-a-like, I do my best not to be all about appearance because the finest brothers do the most trifling things. But, let's be real, it's nothing like a grown man with the total package.

Whoo... what can I say, these brothers got it going on.

Now, I'm not knockin' the brothers of my generation some of them got it going on too. They're in school, working, some are playing sports and working, and some are even taking care of their kids all while maintaining a G.P.A. good enough to keep them on the Dean's List.

That too is very sexy.

But I can't help it. The grown men got it. Some might say that I have a problem, but truth be told I don't care. It is what it is.

I got a fetish for them grown men #dontjudgeme.

Blowin' Off Some Steam

Ok so that last blog was a little... angry Ill admit it. But ugh!!!! For some reason I'm just in a mood like no other today. So I'ma blow off the rest of this steam.

First of all, I got this girl a job... come to find out the bitch is lazy. Lazy as fuck. Remember the line from Why Did I Get Married>>> "...she don't cook, she don't clean, she just don't do!" That's her, except she has extremely low self-esteem and an attitude that makes my blood boil.

I tried to be nice to her but when this lunch break is over, I'ma let her have it... a piece of my mind. Hell I'm so agitated right now she might get the whole thing not just a piece.

Whoo, I'm getting excited... listenin' to run up get done up... not very smart for someone in my current mood but it's all good.

Question... why do niggas think that after messin' around on you and breakin' up they can come back offer up a ring and think it'll fix things. NIIIIIGGGGGAAAAA PLLLLEEEAAAASSSSSEEE!

Then he had the nerve to get mad at me and tell me "Courtney you ain't really 'bout shit, just a last resort." Well boo, if that's how you feel kiss my last resort on ya way out. See, a few years back that shit might have phased my ass but now all can say to that is... "#FUCKOUTTAHERE"

See twitter is taking over lol... aww a smile, well damn there it goes.

But the evil one is making it's way across my face.

I'm about to let the whole world have it. This bad mood, this not caring shit it's chill for a few moments but I gotta admit, being angry is tiring.

Oh, and did I mention that... nah better save that for another conversation, one with someone I trust. Yeah, whoever that may be.

People are starting to show their true colors which means that they wee never as real as they claimed to be. Things they were hiding are coming out into the open and it's quite hilarious to watch it all unfold.

I'm starting to think some thing I was feeling were feelings of pure admiration not... well yeah. Just don't like that nigga anymore, but that one oh yeah he's a one night stand. lol Okay, okay I'm trippin'.

But at some point, when I'm back in my all day every day chill mode I will let y'all in on some stuff. Headed to give this girl my whole mind because just a piece wouldn't do any good.

*evil smile... quiet laugh... darkness

Just In Case Y'all Ain't Know

No longer will I sacrifice lifetime happiness for temporary satisfaction.

Letting it all go... don't really care anymore.

Never thought I'd say this but, I'm tired of caring.

(Never say never I guess).

Now stick that in your juice box and suck it.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Nappturality pt. 2

So, today was a good day for my hair, until I walked outside. Going natural was something I was excited about before I even made the final decision but whoo!!! Taming this is something like a job.

So, I'm in the process of deciding what to do with my hair. I've been doing a lot of thinking and have gotten quite a few suggestions.

Big Mike said I should get my hair locked up... and I thought about locks but, would I look right? I'm thinking about keeping my hair braided up and twisted up. If the twists look right then maybe I'll consider the locks.

Some said I should rock a cute fro... idk about that on the regular but maybe after a long week? But no one should hold their breath on that one.

Well whatever I decide...

What's Your Song?

It never ceases to amaze me how I can connect with some songs. But I'm sure everyone has felt that way about one song or another. Maybe many songs.

Depending on the things going on in one's life or the mood they may be in, even if for that moment, there is a song for it.

After the song though, doesn't it feel as if you're, in a sense, okay. The hurt doesn't hurt as bad after you've sang your heart out in the car on the highway.

Or, after Mary J's 'Just Fine' you're just fine.

Before a big game, you adrenaline is rushing before you've even laced up your sneaks because the music has you amped.

There is a series of emotions and excitement running through me right now... good, bad, scared, and even a lil anxious. Let y'all know what the day's play list is looking like later I guess.

Gotta head to the money

Home Again

That mini-vacation was wonderful... it calmed me so much to the point where when I walked in the house last night my car, bills, and other situations that had been dragging my spirit down didn't even seem to phase me.

I was so serious when I said I was coming back the same woman I was back in like... March. After March, I kind of lost me... but ummmm excuse me world, *yells I'M BAAAACCCKKKKK!!!! Did you miss ME?

I haven't really spoken to anyone yet, called the bestie to let her know I was back and see if anything had transpired while I was away. After a brief debriefing from her I climbed into bed and drifted off into la-di-da-di-da-la la land. Yeah my dreams are often that crazy.

Seen some things on Facebook this morning that have me concerned about a few people, gotta check on them later. Now, I know I said I was gonna focus more on me but it would be effed up if as a friend I didn't check on the people I care about.

I will always check on them, but I'm putting my situations ahead of theirs now, which is what I've been needing to do. Hahaha Courtney is back and I'm ecstatic. Kind of like I was when I finally found happiness within me.

This is going to be a great week, no matter whats going on... I'm making the best of this.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Beach Blog

The sweet stench of the water is intoxicating. The cool sand feels good on my toes. The sound of the waves coming in is my music of choice tonight, no ipod needed.

All these changes I made, made me soft. Weak and vulnerable. Easy to use and hard to love. I stopped being me for a bit. I wanted so bad to be happy I left reality behind. No one is happy all the time. That's bullshit.

I have tried so hard to right my wrongs, I got soft. Spent so much time trying to make people happy and like me that I lost sight of me. I unknowingly let people walk all over me. But that's over.

There are fireworks, nice.

I kind of miss the old me, the me that didn't really care whether or not people would be there at the end of the day. Because that me knew and understood, *inner voice > at the end of the day all you got is you boo.

I know, I know, why would I miss that me... maybe it's because I found comfort within myself. I could be disappointed with me for something but would forgive myself and move on all in the same sitting.

That's what I need in my life. Someone who truly understands me, and what they don't understand, they try to. I'm officially tired of caring about the possibility of people not wanting to be there.

I can't hold on to anyone or anything that won't hold on to me too. I guess that's why I made the decisions I made today, and followed through with no hesitation. Got to keep it moving.

For some odd reason this song keeps replaying in my head... {hello-beyonce} weird isn't it.

I know that there is someone that wants to care, so I gotta do my best to show them I care too. I haven't been doing my best and it shows. But, I made a promise and it's one I intend to keep.

Because I need that in my life, for someone to really care. I read that once any human being can care for another, but to care for someone so deeply and to know that they care just as deeply, then and only then, is it unconditional...

As much as I am enjoying this vacation, I can't wait to get back. I miss my best friend.

The fireworks are over, guess that means it's getting late.

Beach Bummin' It

It's funny how all your cares seem to float away with the current tide. It's like the waves come and wash them away without you being able to save them.

It feels good to get away from everything. To not care, my mind needed this break for I was slowly starting to lose it again.

Things that could seemingly take a weak person out I'm fighting. I always feel like the world is coming to an end when something bad happens, but sitting here watching the sunset I realize one thing...

A problem is temporary and can be solved only when one accepts that there is a problem. I have to stop running and face my fears. Take on the world as if I am invincible.

And that is exactly what I plan to do.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


Ugh, I need this... so bad. I'm finally getting a real break from life. Well, the 8-5 part of it anyway.

It feels good to know that for the next 4 1/2 days I don't have to worry about getting up and going to workouts, then work, another workout, and then home to cook. Or to the doctor's. Tired of throwing up all over the place.

I must say, I'm quite excited. I haven't been to Hilton Head in 3 or 4 years which makes me anxious to see what the island has in store for me. I don't plan to party or anything like that. Just chill. Me, mom, and the kid sis.

This will be one of our, "we're so happy moments." I hate that it won't last but, for the time being it's what I need in my life. A little rest and relaxation will do my mind, body, and soul some good.

The only about it is that, we were supposed to be leaving at 4, but my mother decided to fly in from Indianapolis early so we wouldn't be driving late tonight. That would have been all well and good except...

I had to change my Dr.s appointment to 8:30 this morning, so yes I'm a little nauseous. Miss a half day of work, and cancel my lunch plans. Which sucks because well, I'm always canceling this time I was supposed to shock the nation.

Oh yeah, and now that Betty has a new battery her transmission is slipping. Ugh, I will deal with that when I get home.

Well it's a few minutes after 11 so I better pack it up, mom is fussing about traffic which means she's ready. Hoping that I'll get to blog for a bit over the vacation but if not, I bought a new notebook to write in.

That's right, I'm back in the swing of things... writing whatever I'm thinking no matter where I am. On the right track... later.

Monday, July 5, 2010

A Circulating Question Amongst The Girls

How do you fall back when you have clearly already fallen forward?

Saturday, July 3, 2010


So, I slept in way past my normal sleep in time. I generally never sleep past 8, 9 at the latest. But lately I have been so tired and worn down that I slept til about a little after 11 today.

And as good as it felt to not have to wake up to an alarm but, I feel like I haven't gotten half of the things done that I need to, and I'm still tired. You know what...

I'm going to wash my hair, do some cleaning, run some errands, and go to the gym. I still have to plan for my birthday weekend, and next weekend. Hilton Head Island is going to be just what the doctor ordered.

This week should go by fairly quickly. I'm off work on Monday but I still have to work out. My go shopping, all my clothes are starting to hang off me. I have to be in Richmond two days this week. Meeting with another doctor, ugh, and Big Mike and I are going to the Cheesecake Factory.

I hate because I lost the bet, you know, if the Celtics would have won, I wouldn't be feeding the 320 lb O-linemen. Maybe I should have said Applebees because that big nig can eat. But, I lost so, ugh gotta feed him. I am so gonna be broke after this.

South Carolina is calling me, I haven't been in 3 years so this will be a real treat for me.

Oh and Betty isn't dead anymore, she's in recovery. She's ten years old now so she's going through her change of falling apart. But little by little I am getting her repaired.

Well, let me get started.