Taking it Back

A year ago Thanksgiving day, a man I felt was good for me showed me just how bad for me he was. I've been holding on to my feelings for that man all this time. Of course there were times when I felt I was over him but in truth I wasn't, and it was holding my inactive love life back.

Each time he would drop back in and I would let him, only for us to fight and separate once more. Doing nothing but destroying myself and my heart in the process. When I walked back into this house all I could think of was the last Thanksgiving I had spent here.

I sat in the room where Anthony and I had had our biggest fight and replayed the events in my head over and over. But, instead of crying, I smiled.

All I could think of was how much control I had given a man who had no control over his own life. One thing I thought I would regret but don't. That entire situation put things into perspective for me.

Love isn't something that can be forced, it has come natural.

So, I wrote him and told him thank you for all he had been when things were good and even when they were bad. And let him know I was taking my heart back because frankly, I wanted it back.

I figured that in order for me to love again I would have to be ready, and I couldn't be ready if my heart was still being mistreated.

I pushed people away because I had no love to truly give, false hope was all I could give but I wasn't willing to live like that.

So, I am in current possession of my heart, and I will be holding on to it until I feel as if someone really deserves it. My love is priceless and should be cherished as such. So, no more quick relationships and sex-based love, wait,no that's wrong... no more sex-based like.

I don't want another like him, or the rest of them. Only calling me when they need something physical, or with me because of the benefits that come with it. They can all back off and relocate with another broad because when the time is right, I want something real.

I don't know whether or not if I'm ready to love again but I do know this... Courtney's heart is where it belongs and... I'm officially over him, and the rest of them too.

Thanksgiving: Highs and Lows

Highs:
-Got to spend time with the family
-Saw my brother
-Cooked
-Was off from work
-Read and finished an entire book that had nothing to do with school
-Decorated for Christmas
-Thanksgiving dinner (and the leftovers I've been munching on)
-Talking to all my family from back home
-Talking to my uncle Danicae, whom I haven't seen or heard from since my grandmother's funeral
-Free Chic-fil lol
-Sleeping in my own bed
-Sitting in front of the fireplace
-Real food, not that ish in the cafe
-Dad promised to go to the doctor before New Years
-Mom said she likes the song "Make it Rain" by Travis Porter

Lows:
-My dad can barely walk at times now, didn't know how bad he had gotten
-Brother is going back to the sandbox for an entire year, damn army life
-I spent most of the break sick with a cold that started going away but is still
present a little
-Getting tricked into washing dishes >>> Mom says, "Did you forget how to wash dishes?" Dad cosigns, I say, "No, not at all." They both say, "Good you can wash dishes tonight." <<< lol
-Have to go back to school tomorrow, well later today
-Back to school food
-Mom sings-a-long to Make it Rain all the time now
-Surgery is getting closer and closer
-Skin broke out... I hate pimples

All in all Thanksgiving was chill, I am so thankful for all of my blessings which have come and are still coming in the forms of friends, family, and opportunities.

Village Drunk

As my alcohol induced buzz wears off I must say, this has been an interesting night. And I wann blog it all down before I forget anything.

I'm pretty sure about whats happening now so everything should be spelled correctly and written well.

To start off, my mother and I had a huge fight. Which made me upset. So, I drank with the guys down the hall. NOT SMART!!!!

But after two hours enough was enough so I left. I remember falling the hall and being dragged into my room by another RA and my bestie. No a good look.

My friend J.S. was in my room and heard some things I been holding from him.

I cried, a lot. Emotional drunk status. Then I called my brother. And I cried some more. Then, J.S. climbed into bed with me and let me cry out everything.

Then me adnd my bestie painted... oh boy what fun.

Now I'm sitting here and I'm covered in paint. In my hair and all over my clothes and all.

But I'm going to bed now...

Oh yeah, I gave J.S some advice that I hope he listens to.

Picked a fight with Mr. Fantastic, and would like fore him to know. I could be that girl but he makes me so angry with these confusing responses.

I have a great of feelings for him but at the same time, I wonder if I'm in this alone world.

Good night... church in 3 hours.

Shout Out Saturday

This week I'm shouting out Loverzquarrel, a newcomer to the Shoutout Saturday Movement. Her blog entitled, "Something I Hate About Me" is one that at one point I really could relate to, and to be honest, at times I still feel that way. This blog is one that I would love for the young ladies in my building to read. Especially those that feel as if they have to have a mans approval for anything. I applaud her for writing something so real. And hope that her quest to become self-empowered is a great one.

Something I Hate About Me

So today I will touch on the subject the thing I hate about myself. There are a few things I cannot stand about me but I will zone in on the biggest pet peeve I have with myself. I validate myself through the thoughts and opinions of others. I am not sexy until someone else says so even then I need a second opinion. I have never been self-assured a day in my life unless it comes to sex and that my dear is a blog for another day.

I am always fishing for confirmation from others. I need validation from my head to my toes. I need validation to walk down the street everyday. I can never convince myself it is my opinion that matters and no one else’s. Especially from the opposite sex, a man’s opinion of me trumps all others. I change my hair often and hate it until a man says it’s sexy of cute. I will be self-conscious until I find this approval. I know how sad this sounds I don’t make a move without a man’s approval even on my writing. The thing I should be the most confident with for it is truly my talent. As I write this I am fighting back tears because it saddens me these things are true statements. I wish I could say I was making it up but I am not it is the cold, hard, unrelenting truth. The truth is most of the time I cannot stand the sight of myself until I find someone else admiring me.

Case in point I was trying out the Mohawk look for the second time at the office took a pic of my new do hated it. Thought about getting a new do didn’t feel sexy and anyone who knows me knows I am in love with short hair. It wasn’t until a sexy co-worker complemented me on it that I felt more confident in my do. And I know I have the face for a short cut. I know y’all I am a mess. I go out of my way to look the part because I want so badly to be accepted. It is like I cannot just check in with me and be content with that.

I have absolutely no confidence in myself until of course someone gives it to me. It was stolen a long time ago and I have been ever searching for it. Someone gave me a stone of confidence and I am praying one day I will find it within me. I do not believe in me. That is why inspirational songs about loving yourself break me to the core. It is because I do not love the woman and until I do I will never trust myself. How I feel about me now depends on how you feel? If you think I am ugly so will I. Sad state of affairs I am in. I cannot even believe I am finally saying this aloud this is very personal in heart-breaking to say aloud.

I want so badly for you to like me when I don’t even like myself. Constantly, I am seeking approval from others. It kills me when I don’t get your approval. I literally ball up in a corner and cry if I don’t get approval from you. Because I care that much what you think.

I want you to take this walk with me and stop looking for the approval of others. Look in the mirror before you go to bed tonight and name one thing you love about yourself. Do this with me everyday and watch how much better you will feel about yourself.

Friday Night

No classes!
No meetings!
No duty!
No nothing!
Just me and my time.
I got some things done today and enjoyed being able to chill.
I took a risk and did something different with my hair, and people say it looks nice.
I wonder if they really like it or if they just saying that, hmmm.
Who cares, I like it.
Two strand twists!
This is my first step to going natural.
Next step... don't know yet.
Spontaneity is what I'm feeling with this going natural thing.
Maybe the big chop soon?
UMMM
Movie night.
Gridiron Gang and Wrong Turn 2 with the residents (that don't go out).
Drunk residents in the lobby, one bit me, right in the left chi chi... sent him to his room.
Was going to go to bed after that.
Got a text made me mad, now I'm up again.
Didn't respond, don't want to it'll start a fight.
But...
"I would have rather have had you biting me but you through a fit for no reason. Gosh mister, I'm trying but the slightest mistake and you blow up. Ugh! Should I give up? Tell me now because honestly I want this to happen!"
I left my homeboy to write this blog.
Now, I'm about to lay it down forreal.
Ugh, just want him to like me.

This is what I have been waiting for. A chance to release all that has been building up within me.

Within my heart.

This is a chance for me to let my guard down. This moment in which all my stress and built up frustration can and will be released.

No hesitation. I'm just going to let go while at the same time holding on.

Everything that has been holding me back and keeping from this I am disregarding.

So here I am, I'm ready. Take hold of me and please don't let me go for I have been waiting for this since forever.

This Guy

This week should be a breeze after today so I'm hoping for the best. I pulled out my notebook and began to read some stuff aloud to my new friend and even though the things I read were very personal, he listened.

His level of intensity in which he listened was crazy high and I was grateful for that. Who would have thought that the kid from the B-side and I would be as close as we are.

He's a really good person and I am thankful for his friendship.

I have to admit though, it is kind of odd how close we have become in this short period of time.

The funny thing is, everyone thinks we're messing around, but they couldn't be further from the truth.

We are actually in the same boat when it comes to giving relationships a try. We both want a specific someone. Funny how people connect.

This guy, what can I say he's a keeper when it comes to me making new friends. A true friend, I can see that. And I hate to admit it but there are times when this guy can read me like a book.

It's weird, we just started hanging out, all because we are Dallas and Texas fans. I know, I'm shocked too... a Dallas and Texas fan from Virginia, whoa!!!

So... who is this new friend, my homie, my ace, my black friend with no rhythm lol.

This guy... my homie for life, J.S.

Shout Out Saturday "Reclaim Yourself"

A week ago this blog was written and it's something I have to admit, I will post on my wall of quotes and such. This is something everyone should do. The world is so hellbent on making sure everyone is conformed to the standards of society, which in my opinion aren't standards at all, more like easily reachable goals.

So... as Lele says here "RECLAIM YOURSELF!!!" Enjoy everyone!

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your
character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what
others think you are.”- John Wooden

“Live your life, the world will wonder why”- Avalon

I was struck by these two quotes today. It made me think and I wanted to share it with everyone.

I have never allowed myself to be held to the standards, expectations or morals of others – not in my personal life nor in business. You can’t get far living someone else’s life or someone else’s dream.

Today take time to see where you are and if you are beholden to someone beyond your God. If so, reclaim yourself.

LeLe

No One Else

The girl on duty with me now can't seem to stop glowing as she tells me about her boyfriend of 2 years, and how much she loves him.

And as happy as I am for her, I can't help but think of what I've done wrong in my quest to find love. When things felt so right they were so wrong.

And as angry as these thoughts make me, I can't help but fall back into my own comfort of reassurance and tell myself on the inside that eventually love will find it's way into my heart.

And I can live with that. I admire couples that have a love so deep and so real that it touches those around them.

hmmm... sweet, sweet passion.

#NP- No One Else by Amel Larrieux

Pssshh!

I give up on people. I've been losing for so long right now giving up is the only option. I'm tired of fighting battles that I feel I'm not meant to win.

What's the point of trying to look out for a friend if all they're going to do is be mad at you for giving them what they have asked for. The truth.

What's the point of working so hard for something if the end result is always going to be the same. The end, nothing more but plenty less.

If you can't tell by now, lately I've been losing quite a bit and to be honest, I'm fucking tired of fighting.

What's the point of pouring your heart out to someone if all they're going to do is disregard your feelings. Treat them as if they are nothing more than spoken words with no meaning at all.

AND WHAT IS THE POINT! of trying to make sure that everything around you is running smoothly and the people around you are happy if all you're going to do is be unhappy on the inside.

I'm slowly losing a battle that was never mine to fight in the first place. I'm done trying to be there for people, I'm done trying to open my heart to love, I'm done trying to help everyone else. Until everyone else is willing to do the same for me.

You only get out what you put in, tired of trying only to be shot down when I'm not wanted and wanted when I'm the last resort.

Shout Out Saturday

It's so funny that this is the post I happened to read by her today because this is exactly how I'm feeling (Not the same situations exactly but some songs do go hand in hand with whats on my mind). Certain songs are hitting me real hard right in the chest.

Ms. Nikks, you hit the nail on the head with this one!!!

Music of The Heart

I think my iPod’s talking to me. Every song it plays has meaning to me right now.
Friend
If you were dying in a ditch and all I had to do was run you over to put you out of your agony, I wouldn’t. I’d drive away and leave you there. I guess only time will tell what’ll happen, but for now…“You don’t mean nothing at all to me…” – ‘Say It Right’, Nelly Furtado
Family

1. God really does have a sense of humor! Why am I related to some of you people! I’m glad I have the option of choosing my friends. I’m too good for this shit. You were never a part of my everyday world and so I feel no loss in telling you that, “I’m on some new shit, chuckin’ my deuces up to her…” -Chris Brown on you b******!

2. I thought you weren’t a virgin, thought you used your cojones?! You balls deficient, spineless, assclown. You don’t know me very well huh? Did you think you were going to find the little girl you used to know? I positioned myself within your line of vision, gave you a million opportunities, “I’m gon’ need you to say something baby!” -Drake or Timbaland (who cares, it’s all about Drake)
Health

Dear tonsils, I’m going to have you removed and placed in a jar. Then I’m gonna take you home and torture you by poking you with toothpicks everytime I walk by you, why, because…“I hate you so much right now…ahhhh!” -Kelis on you evil bastards!

Nikks

In My Feelings

It's not about finding the right one, it's about being the right one. I know that now. So... what to do, what to do?

Put myself out there I guess, but not too much. Don't want to say to much. Just enough to state my claim I guess you can say. Only say enough to disclose what you feel at times.

Did that.

Now what, you can't just say a little and expect to leave it at that right?

But what do you say? You don't want to say to much because well, it may seem as if you're coming on too strong. So you say just a little bit, while withholding the heavy stuff.

Ugh, so in my feelings. Just drowning in them, thinking about it constantly. What to do, what to do.

Make sure that I can be the one that will be able to brighten his day I guess... then what?

In my feelings... deep.

Monday

Okay, so I'm finally back to my writing... I guess I should clue y'all in to whats been going on.

Here goes...

Homecoming was from the 17th of October until the 24th. I didn't do anything but enjoy myself... and of course work.

The majority of my classes... canceled!

Then I did my Shout Out Saturday a day late! Which I apologize for because I'm actually really anxious to participate. But I will admit, I missed this past Saturday so I will def make up for it on this upcoming Saturday!

My Aunt Helen passed away... my family came up for her funeral which was held in Baltimore. I enjoyed seeing my family but I truly wish it would have been under better circumstances.

I love that I got to see them all the same though.

I'm back to a normal life, almost. I gotta get some things straight by Friday or my life will be in complete shambles.

Well it's about 3 a.m. so I'm going to call it a night. I got a meeting @ 9 a.m.

Oh yeah, ummm does anyone know why relationships are so hard to form but so easy to destroy.

Definitely making a blog about that. And uploading some other things I have written, past and present writings only though.

I spelled that last word 6 though, wrong like 6x that means I need sleep.

G'night all!!!!