This week I'm shouting out Loverzquarrel, a newcomer to the Shoutout Saturday Movement. Her blog entitled, "Something I Hate About Me" is one that at one point I really could relate to, and to be honest, at times I still feel that way. This blog is one that I would love for the young ladies in my building to read. Especially those that feel as if they have to have a mans approval for anything. I applaud her for writing something so real. And hope that her quest to become self-empowered is a great one.
Something I Hate About Me
So today I will touch on the subject the thing I hate about myself. There are a few things I cannot stand about me but I will zone in on the biggest pet peeve I have with myself. I validate myself through the thoughts and opinions of others. I am not sexy until someone else says so even then I need a second opinion. I have never been self-assured a day in my life unless it comes to sex and that my dear is a blog for another day.
I am always fishing for confirmation from others. I need validation from my head to my toes. I need validation to walk down the street everyday. I can never convince myself it is my opinion that matters and no one else’s. Especially from the opposite sex, a man’s opinion of me trumps all others. I change my hair often and hate it until a man says it’s sexy of cute. I will be self-conscious until I find this approval. I know how sad this sounds I don’t make a move without a man’s approval even on my writing. The thing I should be the most confident with for it is truly my talent. As I write this I am fighting back tears because it saddens me these things are true statements. I wish I could say I was making it up but I am not it is the cold, hard, unrelenting truth. The truth is most of the time I cannot stand the sight of myself until I find someone else admiring me.
Case in point I was trying out the Mohawk look for the second time at the office took a pic of my new do hated it. Thought about getting a new do didn’t feel sexy and anyone who knows me knows I am in love with short hair. It wasn’t until a sexy co-worker complemented me on it that I felt more confident in my do. And I know I have the face for a short cut. I know y’all I am a mess. I go out of my way to look the part because I want so badly to be accepted. It is like I cannot just check in with me and be content with that.
I have absolutely no confidence in myself until of course someone gives it to me. It was stolen a long time ago and I have been ever searching for it. Someone gave me a stone of confidence and I am praying one day I will find it within me. I do not believe in me. That is why inspirational songs about loving yourself break me to the core. It is because I do not love the woman and until I do I will never trust myself. How I feel about me now depends on how you feel? If you think I am ugly so will I. Sad state of affairs I am in. I cannot even believe I am finally saying this aloud this is very personal in heart-breaking to say aloud.
I want so badly for you to like me when I don’t even like myself. Constantly, I am seeking approval from others. It kills me when I don’t get your approval. I literally ball up in a corner and cry if I don’t get approval from you. Because I care that much what you think.
I want you to take this walk with me and stop looking for the approval of others. Look in the mirror before you go to bed tonight and name one thing you love about yourself. Do this with me everyday and watch how much better you will feel about yourself.