Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter Sunday

Church was good, the message was "Let's Talk About It." Which is something I've been needing to do lately.

But I'm not ready. I need to make it through this entire process un-tampered with. I am feeling a little bad about just leaving my best friend and family out of this loop but I had to.

Last time they all tried to talk me out of it and help me fix things but things never really got fixed.

This time I had to just go. Cold turkey l.o.l.

I did get on Facebook today though. Saw that I had millions of notifications and messages but I didn't check them. I only got online to deactivate my account.

When I'm ready to re-join networking world I will but until then here is where I'll be.

I've been toying with the idea of really cutting people off and for that reason, my cell is off. Literally. It sits in my room all day and all night.

I don't take it to work or school anymore. Weird huh? I wonder how many people in the world could live without their cell?

Someone who didn't know me would say I was crazy and being irrational about how I'm handling this part of my life right now.

But someone that really knew me and really knew my struggle and my pain would understand this decision.

Tomorrow is Monday which means I have a lot to do tonight for the week. About to update some other blogs and then smack the books.

I'm getting my writing legs back under me so expect me to lay some stuff on you real soon. Nothing to heavy, but something with a little weight on it.

One love.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Today is going to be a better day. I feel it in my bones. Haven't been as true to my notebook as I should be.

I haven't written anything heavy for a while and I'm at that point where I feel I need to. I'm getting an official divorce from Tumblr since it seems to keep messing up.

Might just move my "Hip-Hop and Other Music" blog to Blogspot, because with only one exception this site has been good to me.

My video blog that I've been running off at the mouth about is finally about to become a reality.

It's nothing to serious yet but, eventually it will get there. Spring Sports Championships this week so I'll be out at the track watching all the events.

You know what show I like watching... Yes, Dear on TBS. It's kind of funny. I plan on looking a mess for the remained of the semester as far as my hair is concerned. Meaning that I will not be getting a blowout before finals.

It's all getting ready to come off and I'm excited! May 16, 2011 is the big day. I can hardly stand it.

Ah well, I have another post or two to write before my 11 o' clock so more later... or tomorrow.

One love.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I haven't been on a social networking site, other than this if you count it, in about two weeks. And I feel good. I needed a break and after breaking down the other day I just felt like I wasn't ready to join the rest of the world yet.

I need a vacation, a serious one. And I want to go by myself. I know it sounds strange but the weight of everything I've been doing and going through these last few weeks is making me tired.

I'm still happy, my joy hasn't left. But I need a break. At 21 I didn't expect to be this stressed. I guess I brought it upon myself but how I don't know. It's like I didn't see this train coming and it just smacked me.

I haven't talked to anyone on the phone in ages, and that's fine with me. I just don't want to be bothered. I needed a break from people.

I don't even hang out on the yard anymore. I walk behind Foster Hall away from everyone and go on about my business.

Work is okay, doing my job and going home. Haven't sang in a while. But I have been vibing to De La Soul and a Tribe Called Quest and Lupe in the mornings.

Kirk Franklin and other gospel greats as soon as I wake up. Kesha and Far East Movement in the evenings.

Yeah I listen to it all.

I'm enjoying not having to listen to other people. For once I'm doing really well and I'm enjoying myself.

Last time I went away like this I checked in and I guess not doing that this time is making this all worthwhile.

I'm going to be out and about again just haven't decided when yet. I guess that's for God to decide. But much is about to change sooooo I hope the world is ready. I'm continuing on my journey to be a better me.

Starting over fresh, in every way possible.

One love.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Rambling Mind

Yesterday was a big day for me, I mean it was a very BIG day for me. I now have all the money needed for summer school, which is a blessing because I didn't think I'd have it.

Any who, today is going to be pretty intense. I have a presentation that I have to do entirely in Spanish. Yes, it's my minor but geesh! I'm not the greatest speaker of Spanish, I'm still in the learning phase.

I'm looking into moving soon. I need a change of scenery. I went and checked out some lofts downtown, very nice.

I just want something to call entirely my own ya know.

I'm planning my pizza party for my students that made the honor roll. I told them if they made honor roll we'd have pizza and a movie. They worked hard so I'm going to reward them.

I got to talk to my brother. He's doing just fine over there in the sandbox. Keeps telling me to send him fried chicken.

He so greedy.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about becoming a part of something on campus. I feel like it's time for me to make a change here. I've gotten over being the new transfer and I'm ready to show people just what I'm made of.

I'm heavily contemplating the day on which I'm going to cut my hair because it's time. I'm going to go extremely short with my cut and let it grow back healthy.

Big Chop time!!!!!

It's so much going on in my head I can't seem to get all my thoughts out on paper, well on the screen???

I do have some serious things I want to discuss with you all. Later for that though, it's a lot going on around me.

Attention: Missing Blog?!

I'm missing a blog... isn't that crazy. It's just gone! I get online respond to the comment, get off line and it's gone. Hopefully my computer and blogspot are having a temporary issue with one another because ummmm yea, I want my blog back.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011





Monday, April 11, 2011

Sex Drive

My mind is on SEX! That's it. I mean that is not it but that's it.

I have other things on my mind but more than likely no matter what I'm doing or thinking about my mind is still on SEX!

Isn't that horrible. My body is yearning so bad that if I could have my way. I'd be getting some right now.

I mean, not just some random rough sex.

I want some passionate, slow deep strong love.

That's it. Thats what I want, some love making time.

Something with some meaning behind it.

Ugh!!!! Where is the good doctor when I need him????

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Breaking Down

Okay, so my spirits are a little lifted! I have no choice but to smile everyday anyway right.I mean things aren't completely amazing but hey when are they ever.

Gotta take the good with the bad.

My sex drive is at an all time high, problem is, I'm on this celibacy trip and haven't had sex since 2010. Like early November late October 2010.

But my body is craving for it now. I mean my body is begging for it. Slowly I'm breaking down but I'm hanging in there.

Yeah that last sentence was a contradiction.

I want to give in to temptation so bad but my heart won't let me. I'm on a mission to save my self until marriage.

No I'm not a virgin but after some thought, I had to put a lock on body. I only want to give it to one that is deserving.

And for that reason, I am waiting until I get married.

My thoughts are... whooo hoo boy they are bad. But I'm suppressing them more and more.

I just need some physical attention. I need a man to come and take care of three simple things.

My needs are: (in case you're wondering hahaha)
~a shoulder rub
~some sweet sweet tender kisses
~and my body held

That's it. A little physical compassion to match the emotional compassion I'm longing for.

But yeah, I'm breaking down.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Letting My Fingers Talk

It's 7:36 and I am sitting at the office, mad because I'm still here. Yes I have the power to get up and make myself go home but why, when there is so much to be done?

At the age of 21 I have two jobs and am searching for a third. Why? Because right now I work to be okay, actually that's a lie. I work to be broke. I can't ever seem to be stable.

And I want that. There are pay periods though where I have the chance and the blessing to be able to blow a little money. Times when I'm caught up and paid over on my bills but for the last few weeks things have been a little difficult.

Summer school is fast approaching and all I can think about is how am I going to pay for it? Where am I going to get the money for books and tuition and Fall tuition for that matter.

I'm praying to the heavens above that I get this loan. I need it for school. To pay for my classes and to pay for housing. My downfall is the amount of distraction I allow to invade the privacy of my life.

I'm fighting to be happy when I should be fighting in the classroom to be the smartest kid on campus. But my focus is, well I have no focus. I just want to be able to go home and focus entirely upon me.

Yes, I've finally given in to focusing on me where I am now, but slowly the focus on me is being pulled away. I'm ready to be able to devote some time to myself.


I want this loan so bad, not just to have my own but to be able to be able to find some peace, and some stability.

That's what I crave most in my life right now. There is nothing more important to me right now than the thought of knowing that I can stand on my own to feet.

I mean really stand on them. Be strong in my stance in a way that if the winds of a storm came through I could handle it. I could withstand them.

I love this song, amel larrieux's no one else, great song... if you're reading this you should check it out. She makes great music.

But my feel good song, oh my goapele's closer to my dreams. But intertwined into that play list is kirk franklin's brighter day.

That's feel good music. It keeps me motivated and it keeps me moving. I'm trying to rush life but I know God's got a purpose and a plan and I'm just going to wait on Him.

Sometimes I get tired of waiting though, but I know I must be ambitious yet content. So I will do so. Currently head bobbing to goapele. This song always makes me smile.

I look at my life now, the past and the present. Can't look at the future because I don't know what's in store for me. But I see where I don't want to be.

Here where I am now, sitting in the office at ten minutes to eight not even thinking about going home.

I guess, being a hard worker runs in the family. But it has also run the family into the ground.

I'm just tired I guess. Ready for something else new to come my way. Something that will make my heart skip a beat and put some pep in my step.

India is playing now. Now this is my kind of music. I guess since I'm still here I should do some work but my heart is telling me to let my hands do the work they see fit. So I will keep writing.

This blog is quite long, I see it in the scrolling bar to the right. But oh well... today has been a day unlike any other. I felt a bit of my pride I take in my academics get ripped away today.

I'm tired of letting life interfere with my education. I let it knowingly take over. And yes I must live life, but the sacrifices I have made for life have made me who I am, this person so addicted to busy work I have no thoughts of life.

I miss my childhood, my teenage years. I spent them with my mother, traveling on the road while she worked. From the minute I was conceived up until even now, my life has been all about her work.

I hate it. But, I put myself here. I allowed her to trick me into doing all the things she wanted me to. She said it herself, this is right where she wants me to be. I hate myself for falling for this trick.

I need to be able to fend for myself and I need for her to support me in that. As much as we fight, oh gosh I'm about to cry. I need for my mother to be my mother. Not my coach.

Not my enemy, not my life coach. For we see where her life coaching has gotten me. Bitter and miserable like her. I just want to be happy. I need for her to be okay with that. Then again, no I don't.

I just need to run, not away from my issues but head on into them. This hold that she has on me I thought I had destroyed but with every "conversation" we have I realize that she keeps me around because she knows I have no voice of my own.

But all of that is about to come to a close. Whether I get my own place or not. Reverend McLaughlin said that sometime you have to holler to get people to really hear you. He said you have no choice to holler at the people who've known you to be quiet forever.

They're not expecting it, and neither are you really. Eventually all that builds up and all you can do is pray about it and holler.

My voice from ages 15 up until now is begging me to let it out and I'm going to. I have no choice. It will kill me if I don't.

I just need a boost of energy. I need something to inspire me, fuel me to keep going. I need some encouragement.

Fingers are slowing down, guess my heart is feeling a bit better. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to smile, I want to laugh, I want to be able to put my headphones on and listen to music then take them off and not have to worry about the problems invading my thoughts.

I'm feeling amazing but things aren't amazing. Fooled myself. I'm going through this 100 days of change process in which I get myself, my life, and my faith together. I'm blogging about it... if you're reading this you should check it out. It's not much but it is about me and my journey to real happiness.

And I have a randomness that is me blog... check that out to if you're reading this. Alright now, I have work to do... later whoever you are reading this. Be blessed and...

Pray for me... please.