Monday, April 4, 2011

Letting My Fingers Talk

It's 7:36 and I am sitting at the office, mad because I'm still here. Yes I have the power to get up and make myself go home but why, when there is so much to be done?

At the age of 21 I have two jobs and am searching for a third. Why? Because right now I work to be okay, actually that's a lie. I work to be broke. I can't ever seem to be stable.

And I want that. There are pay periods though where I have the chance and the blessing to be able to blow a little money. Times when I'm caught up and paid over on my bills but for the last few weeks things have been a little difficult.

Summer school is fast approaching and all I can think about is how am I going to pay for it? Where am I going to get the money for books and tuition and Fall tuition for that matter.

I'm praying to the heavens above that I get this loan. I need it for school. To pay for my classes and to pay for housing. My downfall is the amount of distraction I allow to invade the privacy of my life.

I'm fighting to be happy when I should be fighting in the classroom to be the smartest kid on campus. But my focus is, well I have no focus. I just want to be able to go home and focus entirely upon me.

Yes, I've finally given in to focusing on me where I am now, but slowly the focus on me is being pulled away. I'm ready to be able to devote some time to myself.

Wholeheartedly.

I want this loan so bad, not just to have my own but to be able to be able to find some peace, and some stability.

That's what I crave most in my life right now. There is nothing more important to me right now than the thought of knowing that I can stand on my own to feet.

I mean really stand on them. Be strong in my stance in a way that if the winds of a storm came through I could handle it. I could withstand them.

I love this song, amel larrieux's no one else, great song... if you're reading this you should check it out. She makes great music.

But my feel good song, oh my goapele's closer to my dreams. But intertwined into that play list is kirk franklin's brighter day.

That's feel good music. It keeps me motivated and it keeps me moving. I'm trying to rush life but I know God's got a purpose and a plan and I'm just going to wait on Him.

Sometimes I get tired of waiting though, but I know I must be ambitious yet content. So I will do so. Currently head bobbing to goapele. This song always makes me smile.

I look at my life now, the past and the present. Can't look at the future because I don't know what's in store for me. But I see where I don't want to be.

Here where I am now, sitting in the office at ten minutes to eight not even thinking about going home.

I guess, being a hard worker runs in the family. But it has also run the family into the ground.

I'm just tired I guess. Ready for something else new to come my way. Something that will make my heart skip a beat and put some pep in my step.

India is playing now. Now this is my kind of music. I guess since I'm still here I should do some work but my heart is telling me to let my hands do the work they see fit. So I will keep writing.

This blog is quite long, I see it in the scrolling bar to the right. But oh well... today has been a day unlike any other. I felt a bit of my pride I take in my academics get ripped away today.

I'm tired of letting life interfere with my education. I let it knowingly take over. And yes I must live life, but the sacrifices I have made for life have made me who I am, this person so addicted to busy work I have no thoughts of life.

I miss my childhood, my teenage years. I spent them with my mother, traveling on the road while she worked. From the minute I was conceived up until even now, my life has been all about her work.

I hate it. But, I put myself here. I allowed her to trick me into doing all the things she wanted me to. She said it herself, this is right where she wants me to be. I hate myself for falling for this trick.

I need to be able to fend for myself and I need for her to support me in that. As much as we fight, oh gosh I'm about to cry. I need for my mother to be my mother. Not my coach.

Not my enemy, not my life coach. For we see where her life coaching has gotten me. Bitter and miserable like her. I just want to be happy. I need for her to be okay with that. Then again, no I don't.

I just need to run, not away from my issues but head on into them. This hold that she has on me I thought I had destroyed but with every "conversation" we have I realize that she keeps me around because she knows I have no voice of my own.

But all of that is about to come to a close. Whether I get my own place or not. Reverend McLaughlin said that sometime you have to holler to get people to really hear you. He said you have no choice to holler at the people who've known you to be quiet forever.

They're not expecting it, and neither are you really. Eventually all that builds up and all you can do is pray about it and holler.

My voice from ages 15 up until now is begging me to let it out and I'm going to. I have no choice. It will kill me if I don't.

I just need a boost of energy. I need something to inspire me, fuel me to keep going. I need some encouragement.

Fingers are slowing down, guess my heart is feeling a bit better. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to smile, I want to laugh, I want to be able to put my headphones on and listen to music then take them off and not have to worry about the problems invading my thoughts.

I'm feeling amazing but things aren't amazing. Fooled myself. I'm going through this 100 days of change process in which I get myself, my life, and my faith together. I'm blogging about it... if you're reading this you should check it out. It's not much but it is about me and my journey to real happiness.

And I have a randomness that is me blog... check that out to if you're reading this. Alright now, I have work to do... later whoever you are reading this. Be blessed and...

Pray for me... please.

2 comments:

25champ said...

This struggle will make you appreciate success even more....just stand tall...you are stronger than you think #GodBless

missextraordinary said...

Thanks love, you always have some encouraging words for me. I truly appreciate it.