Saturday, July 31, 2010

My Grandma Janie

FINALLY!!!! I am home. I have been waiting on this all summer. I just love being here. My trip has started off a little rocky though.

As soon as my Ane Sandra picked us up from the airport we went straight to Austin Medical, my grandma Janie is in the hospital. I had no idea.

I figured that her sugar was just way to low again and her blood pressure was way up. It always that way.

She has raised this entire family. From my mom to the great great grands. She is the one that fixes things, handles it all. She is who we go to, even my grandma delois goes to her at times.

She has one son, but he's as crooked as they come. Fake old reverend, him and his wife May Kat.

I walked into her room excited to see her, but my spirits were immediately crushed when I saw her.

My grandma has lost entirely to much weight. A lot her hair has fallen out. Her entire left side is swollen, she can't even lift her arm. Her skin in peeling all over arms and legs, her face, back... everywhere.

My grandmas eyes are normally wide open and happy, but now they're just red. I asked her if she was in pain and all she said was, baby at my age and in my condition you can only hope to feel no pain.

Seeing her that way made my eyes water so bad I had to let my tears roll. I couldn't help it, I was just sad.

She told me I had nothing to cry about, that she was fine. That I needn't be concerned. But I have to be, I'm not ready for her to leave me. But I know that time is coming.

She said she saw my grandpa the other day, and he's been long gone. It always seems, when the folks in our family get ready to go on to glory they talk to those already there.

I need her to stay. To guide me.

She told me to stop worrying about everyone else, that she doesn't want me to be like her. See, I am Janie. I care for my family before I care for me. I put my health, heart, and me in my entirety on the backburner. Like she does.

She said that I need to prepare myself for the worst because it's coming. I know what she means, I've known for a few weeks now. I just haven't wanted to admit it to myself. Or to my friends.

Janie doesn't want me to be like her, so busy caring for the family and my friends that I push the people trying to care for me away.

I'm scared of losing her, of becoming like her, regretting not taking care of myself. I'm going to enjoy this trip.

Visit her every day, and enjoy the rest of my family.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

If You Really Knew Me

There are a few shows on MTV that actually grab and hold my attention, like My Life as Liz and The Hard Times of RJ Berger. True Life, I love, and I even catch myself watching Teen Mom.

But this new show that airs on Tuesdays, If You Really Knew Me, has really caught my attention. If you haven't seen it, you should definitely try and watch it.

The show is about high school students who undergo a 'challenge day.'

They are taken out of their comfort zones, pulled away from their cliques and grouped into small groups of other people.

Jocks, preps, cheerleaders, nerds, band geeks, orch dorks, skaters, trouble makers or thugs, the drama kids, the potheads, the nobodies, etc. etc.

All of these kids were put into groups with each other, one person from each clique in a group.

How would that work? They sat in circles all around the room just looking at each other, trying to decide whether they really wanted to open up to these perfect strangers.

Each person revealed something or somethings about their personal lives starting each sentence with, "If you really knew me..." WOW!

This was something so moving to watch, to see perfect strangers open up to each other and cry and express just how they felt about themselves and their lives.

People confessed things like attempting suicide, not having parents, doing drugs, feeling worthless, one guy even came out of the closet. It was amazing to see these kids embrace each other and show each other love.

One thing they did was an exercise in which a question would be asked and if the question applied to you, you were to walk to the other side of the room.

To see just how much people have in common emotionally, and how they came together so quickly is something that every high school student should experience.

This, I believe would really change the atmosphere of a high school. No, it wouldn't be perfect, but it would be better.

The connection one person can have with another when they both can lean on each other emotionally is something to be held on to with care.

Ugh it's a great show... to those of you reading, you should really try to watch it.

Saturday, July 24, 2010


All the other women in my family beat this, with the exception of two, why should I right? I tell you, the things you inherit from family huh?

I guess I pay no attention to it because I'm scared. Well, more nervous than anything. Never really liked going to the doctor's anyway. I mean, why go if you only leave feeling sick and miserable.

Whatever this biological ish they got me taking sucks, I haven't had it shoved into me in weeks.

I'm stubborn, if I don't want to do it I won't. And as stupid as that is... it's just the way I am.

I've skipped the last four appointment's because well, I can't stand to feel the way I feel.

I gotta grow up and deal, but I don't want to.

Ummmm in other news, I went apartment hunting today. It was very exciting. This is what I need, to get out of this house and stop dreading going home after work.

Ugh, I can barely stand the excitement.

I haven't seen any of the sisters in a while but they give me an earful when we talk. Always fussing at me about not taking care of myself and such.

It's just that I have so much to do. I'm working 7 days a week now, but I will get a vaca from work when I go home. But I've got things to handle there too.

Visiting Ashton's grave first, burning my flag like we promised. Sad, but ready to officially let my hurt go.

Jumping back into old Courtney Friday night, runnin' with my cousins out to Le Grange to handle some business, pay off they lil' debts so they can start over fresh like I had too. Fighting not really what I'm trying to do, but when I go home, it's always something going down.

The first two days will be good during the day but hell on earth at night. Sunday things will be cool, and my trip home will really begin. I can't wait to see my grandmother, I miss her soooooo much.

I'm thirsty for her wisdom and reassurance. The kind of love only a grandmother can give.

My family back home is everything to me, I'd take care of them before I'd help the people in my own house because when I was going through the people in my house refused to be there. But back home in Bastrop County, they've always held me down.

Ever wondered if there was really a such thing as a soul mate? and if homeless people ever feel sorry for the unhappy filthy rich people?

Oh ummm tattoos on deck I believe... 21 in 19 days, Va Beach here I come.

TEXAS IN 5 DAYS!!!! OH I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will most def also catch up on some sleep. I havne't slept well in about two weeks, falling alseep @ like 3 wakin' up @ 5:30, taking hour long cat naps.

But hey, at least I'm not guzzling energy drinks like some people I know (you know I'm talking about you trouble), you really oughta stop drinking those things they're so bad for you.

Saturday, July 17, 2010


Some people are placed in your life for a reason, others are only meant to be around for a season. Some people come into your life right on time, when you need them... while others leave before their time. The hard thing to do is determine who is worth keeping around for all of the RIGHT reasons, and knowing who will never leave.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Feeling, Not Like I Used To

Ever felt a certain way about something but experienced something that made you not feel that way anymore. Like your feelings decreased in a way?

I'm feeling like that right now. I don't know why... I mean, let me re-think this statement. I still have that good feeling but right now it's being suppressed. And yes I am doing it on purpose. I need to, it's only right.

I have one question that I can't seem to answer on my own.

Why is it that people can never let go of the things you did you wrong. About the mistakes you made? Why is it that when even when trying to make things right all they can do is rag on you about messing up?

Can someone answer that for me because I been racking my brain trying to figure it out and I have yet to come up with an answer that seems right.

... thinking... thinking... thinking...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I Call Them Grown Men

I got a sweet tooth for "the older man." I don't know why but I do. It's something about a gentlemen a few years older than me that makes me smile.

I'm not saying I like them old as they come but generally 6-10 years older. Weird as it may be it's true. I don't know why but I'm drawn to them. Grown men is what I call them.

Sophisticated and fly. Intelligent brothers making their marks in the world. Running things. Smooth yet a little rough around the edges.

I like them tall and built right, inside and out.

I love the bookworms, they are so sexy to me. Nothing to me is sexier than a smart man that knows his stuff. Built ford tough on the outside though. Strong in his stance.

I'm not asking for a Morris Chestnut look-a-like, I do my best not to be all about appearance because the finest brothers do the most trifling things. But, let's be real, it's nothing like a grown man with the total package.

Whoo... what can I say, these brothers got it going on.

Now, I'm not knockin' the brothers of my generation some of them got it going on too. They're in school, working, some are playing sports and working, and some are even taking care of their kids all while maintaining a G.P.A. good enough to keep them on the Dean's List.

That too is very sexy.

But I can't help it. The grown men got it. Some might say that I have a problem, but truth be told I don't care. It is what it is.

I got a fetish for them grown men #dontjudgeme.

Blowin' Off Some Steam

Ok so that last blog was a little... angry Ill admit it. But ugh!!!! For some reason I'm just in a mood like no other today. So I'ma blow off the rest of this steam.

First of all, I got this girl a job... come to find out the bitch is lazy. Lazy as fuck. Remember the line from Why Did I Get Married>>> "...she don't cook, she don't clean, she just don't do!" That's her, except she has extremely low self-esteem and an attitude that makes my blood boil.

I tried to be nice to her but when this lunch break is over, I'ma let her have it... a piece of my mind. Hell I'm so agitated right now she might get the whole thing not just a piece.

Whoo, I'm getting excited... listenin' to run up get done up... not very smart for someone in my current mood but it's all good.

Question... why do niggas think that after messin' around on you and breakin' up they can come back offer up a ring and think it'll fix things. NIIIIIGGGGGAAAAA PLLLLEEEAAAASSSSSEEE!

Then he had the nerve to get mad at me and tell me "Courtney you ain't really 'bout shit, just a last resort." Well boo, if that's how you feel kiss my last resort on ya way out. See, a few years back that shit might have phased my ass but now all can say to that is... "#FUCKOUTTAHERE"

See twitter is taking over lol... aww a smile, well damn there it goes.

But the evil one is making it's way across my face.

I'm about to let the whole world have it. This bad mood, this not caring shit it's chill for a few moments but I gotta admit, being angry is tiring.

Oh, and did I mention that... nah better save that for another conversation, one with someone I trust. Yeah, whoever that may be.

People are starting to show their true colors which means that they wee never as real as they claimed to be. Things they were hiding are coming out into the open and it's quite hilarious to watch it all unfold.

I'm starting to think some thing I was feeling were feelings of pure admiration not... well yeah. Just don't like that nigga anymore, but that one oh yeah he's a one night stand. lol Okay, okay I'm trippin'.

But at some point, when I'm back in my all day every day chill mode I will let y'all in on some stuff. Headed to give this girl my whole mind because just a piece wouldn't do any good.

*evil smile... quiet laugh... darkness

Just In Case Y'all Ain't Know

No longer will I sacrifice lifetime happiness for temporary satisfaction.

Letting it all go... don't really care anymore.

Never thought I'd say this but, I'm tired of caring.

(Never say never I guess).

Now stick that in your juice box and suck it.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Nappturality pt. 2

So, today was a good day for my hair, until I walked outside. Going natural was something I was excited about before I even made the final decision but whoo!!! Taming this is something like a job.

So, I'm in the process of deciding what to do with my hair. I've been doing a lot of thinking and have gotten quite a few suggestions.

Big Mike said I should get my hair locked up... and I thought about locks but, would I look right? I'm thinking about keeping my hair braided up and twisted up. If the twists look right then maybe I'll consider the locks.

Some said I should rock a cute fro... idk about that on the regular but maybe after a long week? But no one should hold their breath on that one.

Well whatever I decide...

What's Your Song?

It never ceases to amaze me how I can connect with some songs. But I'm sure everyone has felt that way about one song or another. Maybe many songs.

Depending on the things going on in one's life or the mood they may be in, even if for that moment, there is a song for it.

After the song though, doesn't it feel as if you're, in a sense, okay. The hurt doesn't hurt as bad after you've sang your heart out in the car on the highway.

Or, after Mary J's 'Just Fine' you're just fine.

Before a big game, you adrenaline is rushing before you've even laced up your sneaks because the music has you amped.

There is a series of emotions and excitement running through me right now... good, bad, scared, and even a lil anxious. Let y'all know what the day's play list is looking like later I guess.

Gotta head to the money

Home Again

That mini-vacation was wonderful... it calmed me so much to the point where when I walked in the house last night my car, bills, and other situations that had been dragging my spirit down didn't even seem to phase me.

I was so serious when I said I was coming back the same woman I was back in like... March. After March, I kind of lost me... but ummmm excuse me world, *yells I'M BAAAACCCKKKKK!!!! Did you miss ME?

I haven't really spoken to anyone yet, called the bestie to let her know I was back and see if anything had transpired while I was away. After a brief debriefing from her I climbed into bed and drifted off into la-di-da-di-da-la la land. Yeah my dreams are often that crazy.

Seen some things on Facebook this morning that have me concerned about a few people, gotta check on them later. Now, I know I said I was gonna focus more on me but it would be effed up if as a friend I didn't check on the people I care about.

I will always check on them, but I'm putting my situations ahead of theirs now, which is what I've been needing to do. Hahaha Courtney is back and I'm ecstatic. Kind of like I was when I finally found happiness within me.

This is going to be a great week, no matter whats going on... I'm making the best of this.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Beach Blog

The sweet stench of the water is intoxicating. The cool sand feels good on my toes. The sound of the waves coming in is my music of choice tonight, no ipod needed.

All these changes I made, made me soft. Weak and vulnerable. Easy to use and hard to love. I stopped being me for a bit. I wanted so bad to be happy I left reality behind. No one is happy all the time. That's bullshit.

I have tried so hard to right my wrongs, I got soft. Spent so much time trying to make people happy and like me that I lost sight of me. I unknowingly let people walk all over me. But that's over.

There are fireworks, nice.

I kind of miss the old me, the me that didn't really care whether or not people would be there at the end of the day. Because that me knew and understood, *inner voice > at the end of the day all you got is you boo.

I know, I know, why would I miss that me... maybe it's because I found comfort within myself. I could be disappointed with me for something but would forgive myself and move on all in the same sitting.

That's what I need in my life. Someone who truly understands me, and what they don't understand, they try to. I'm officially tired of caring about the possibility of people not wanting to be there.

I can't hold on to anyone or anything that won't hold on to me too. I guess that's why I made the decisions I made today, and followed through with no hesitation. Got to keep it moving.

For some odd reason this song keeps replaying in my head... {hello-beyonce} weird isn't it.

I know that there is someone that wants to care, so I gotta do my best to show them I care too. I haven't been doing my best and it shows. But, I made a promise and it's one I intend to keep.

Because I need that in my life, for someone to really care. I read that once any human being can care for another, but to care for someone so deeply and to know that they care just as deeply, then and only then, is it unconditional...

As much as I am enjoying this vacation, I can't wait to get back. I miss my best friend.

The fireworks are over, guess that means it's getting late.

Beach Bummin' It

It's funny how all your cares seem to float away with the current tide. It's like the waves come and wash them away without you being able to save them.

It feels good to get away from everything. To not care, my mind needed this break for I was slowly starting to lose it again.

Things that could seemingly take a weak person out I'm fighting. I always feel like the world is coming to an end when something bad happens, but sitting here watching the sunset I realize one thing...

A problem is temporary and can be solved only when one accepts that there is a problem. I have to stop running and face my fears. Take on the world as if I am invincible.

And that is exactly what I plan to do.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


Ugh, I need this... so bad. I'm finally getting a real break from life. Well, the 8-5 part of it anyway.

It feels good to know that for the next 4 1/2 days I don't have to worry about getting up and going to workouts, then work, another workout, and then home to cook. Or to the doctor's. Tired of throwing up all over the place.

I must say, I'm quite excited. I haven't been to Hilton Head in 3 or 4 years which makes me anxious to see what the island has in store for me. I don't plan to party or anything like that. Just chill. Me, mom, and the kid sis.

This will be one of our, "we're so happy moments." I hate that it won't last but, for the time being it's what I need in my life. A little rest and relaxation will do my mind, body, and soul some good.

The only about it is that, we were supposed to be leaving at 4, but my mother decided to fly in from Indianapolis early so we wouldn't be driving late tonight. That would have been all well and good except...

I had to change my Dr.s appointment to 8:30 this morning, so yes I'm a little nauseous. Miss a half day of work, and cancel my lunch plans. Which sucks because well, I'm always canceling this time I was supposed to shock the nation.

Oh yeah, and now that Betty has a new battery her transmission is slipping. Ugh, I will deal with that when I get home.

Well it's a few minutes after 11 so I better pack it up, mom is fussing about traffic which means she's ready. Hoping that I'll get to blog for a bit over the vacation but if not, I bought a new notebook to write in.

That's right, I'm back in the swing of things... writing whatever I'm thinking no matter where I am. On the right track... later.

Monday, July 5, 2010

A Circulating Question Amongst The Girls

How do you fall back when you have clearly already fallen forward?

Saturday, July 3, 2010


So, I slept in way past my normal sleep in time. I generally never sleep past 8, 9 at the latest. But lately I have been so tired and worn down that I slept til about a little after 11 today.

And as good as it felt to not have to wake up to an alarm but, I feel like I haven't gotten half of the things done that I need to, and I'm still tired. You know what...

I'm going to wash my hair, do some cleaning, run some errands, and go to the gym. I still have to plan for my birthday weekend, and next weekend. Hilton Head Island is going to be just what the doctor ordered.

This week should go by fairly quickly. I'm off work on Monday but I still have to work out. My go shopping, all my clothes are starting to hang off me. I have to be in Richmond two days this week. Meeting with another doctor, ugh, and Big Mike and I are going to the Cheesecake Factory.

I hate because I lost the bet, you know, if the Celtics would have won, I wouldn't be feeding the 320 lb O-linemen. Maybe I should have said Applebees because that big nig can eat. But, I lost so, ugh gotta feed him. I am so gonna be broke after this.

South Carolina is calling me, I haven't been in 3 years so this will be a real treat for me.

Oh and Betty isn't dead anymore, she's in recovery. She's ten years old now so she's going through her change of falling apart. But little by little I am getting her repaired.

Well, let me get started.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Women of Williams Hall

If there is one thing I enjoy, it is conversations with grown folks. And I don't mean 30, 40 years old grown, I mean 55 and on up. When they talk they spit fire. No they aren't rude, they are real.

Being real, is spitting fire to me. I sat amongst them today and listened, and even chimed in at random times.

The Women of Williams Hall are no all old, they are literally four generations of women. None of them related, but all from different times.

From grownest to youngest Miss Carolyn, Miss Bessie, Miss T, and Samantha a.k.a. boobie are all very different but one thing binds them...

The burg. Petersburg, Virginia is where these four women were born and raised. And it it here where they chose to stay.

Boobie, is in her late 20s early 30s, no older than 32. She is the loose cannon. Straight hood. She has a saying, that she says to anyone whether she cares or not. "B*tch I don't give a f****ck!" Then she goes, I don't mean b*tch in a rude way, but b*tch...

She is a mother that, was doing wrong by her kids. Not caring in the beginning, but stepping up and getting a job and being a mother. She said, "Miss Carolyn taught me that, to love my kids because they mine. Because at the end of the day all they got is me, and I wanna be there for them."

Miss T is, the freak. I'm laughing... but she is, she rocks this extra long tongue ring and literally gets off on the dryer. Nasty I know, but she ain't ashamed. "It's how I get ready to go home sh*t. Girl, ain't nothing wrong with gettin' it in every night. WITH YOUR HUSBAND!"

She is full of sexual knowledge, things I never even heard of she tells me. She doesn't drink like she use to, but I believe that every time I see her I think she is drunk or hungover. She kinda rocks and drifts when she walks.

She always tells me, "Babygirl, when you find you a man, I know you ain't got one you too tense, give everything he wants. Because if you don't someone else will. So learn how to give head." She said, "I don't have no kids so I'ma tell you what I would tell them."

Miss Bessie is the crazy one. She has a let it all hang out type of vibe. It's not wise to ask her where she is going because all she'll say is "I'm going to hell b*tch you wanna go?" She doesn't care who is around she is going to say what she wants to.

She likes things done and placed where they belong. If something is on the floor then she takes that as a way of saying, trash it. She, is very proud of her daughter. She speaks highly of her and her grandchildren.

Miss Carolyn is, the realest. When I met her she seemed very quiet, like the little old lady that everyone loves. But she is very much a talkative woman. She asks a lot of questions. I asked her now many kids she had and she responded, "two living."

She had twin boys and an older son, but lost one of her twins to a drive-by when he was six. I wanted to change the subject but she said not to feel sorry for her. She kept saying, "While my baby was on this Earth he was smart and well-behaved. Losing him made me tough, want to love my others more."

She is funny to in her own way, she picks with people and their inability to be honest with themselves. She is so quick to call someone out.

These women, all different, all struggling with hurts unknown and known, are the people we should listen to and learn from. Their lives are guides on what to and what not to do. They are quick to admit faults at times, but...

It does hold them back a bit. All tied together by the burg, their laughter is soothing and their stories are, unreal. I'm going to record them one day... it will be something to laugh at, and maybe even think about if the day is like today.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Wise Words From A Decent Man

Mr. Anderson is an RE at State, and to be quite honest, I wish he was my RE. This man is choc full of knowledge, advice, and stories that will truly capture your attention and hold on to it.

I talked with him, well I listened for the most part, for almost 3 hours. He's seen me play basketball a few times, but I didn't really know him then. He told me I could be a much better ball player in I increased my stance when drop stepping. "Work on your balance and you'll be able to widen your stance and stay tall up top."

I'll definitely try that tomorrow.

The NBA and NFL, and many other pro sports leagues are composed of those who deserve the break they got, but who can't seem to leave behind the life they lived before the money. It's sad.

He told me about some of the guys he played against. How he thought he was the best until they played UCLA. He talked about getting pancaked by a 6' 10 center and scoring only 2 points that whole game, on the free throw line.

He talked about, his kids and his wife. How, his last girlfriend before he me his wife got him kicked out of 9th grade. He mentioned 10,000 times how sorry he felt for girls today, doing all they can to impress some "idiot with his pants below his draws."

He hated watching the girls sneak into his building to meet up with boys they'd just met in orientation days before. He said he couldn't understand why anyone would be so eagerly ready to decrease their self worth for minutes of fake pleasure.

He doesn't understand the Y Generation. What is the purpose of wearing your pants under your butt, why? Why do girls let their behinds hang out of their clothes?

There is nothing that says I don't want you to ever meet my momma more than booty cheeks and butt splits.

One thing he was very adamant on is self respect and determination. He feels that it lacks in this day, and he's right. People just don't care anymore. That's why, he, a retired military man, chooses to work in an all male freshmen dormitory.

He wants to mold his residents, make them better people.

Mr. Anderson gave me some sound advice that I will never forget. Before I left his office he aid something to me that I'll never forget.

"Know matter how bad things get, and know matter how much you want to give up, you keep pushing. There aren't many here willing to do what is necessary to reach their goals. You like to work for what you want while others want it to be given to them. Don't you ever get lazy, be willing at all times and things will come easy to you."

Athletes in Action

Had Bible study today. Coach talked about relationships. It was kind of odd though because everyone in the summer group has been struggling with matters of the heart.

We read from Proverbs 31:10-31 (The Wife of a Noble Character).

Coach fed it to us as if it were a guide. Showing us what we need to be able to see, not look for, in a significant other. In them we should see full confidence and value. A true love will do no harm, only good and will do all that is necessary.

The relationship must be composed of, what some today would call a Power Couple. Two people willing to do anything and everything to provide not only for each other but for a family.

We talked about sex too. How it manages to complicate things. Change things, make them... weird. I guess that's why it's become so easy for me to not be physically dependent on it like I use to.

But coach was right, I've experienced that, things do change... kinda makes me nervous. Is that normal though?