Thursday, June 30, 2011

I Got Love On My Mind Because I Miss It

I miss it.
The love that is to be made.
The passion that is played upon.

But, why did I give it all up?
What made me want to let go of something so real.
Maybe it wasn't real love.

Maybe it was fake.
But, I miss it.

I miss...
I miss the long slow kisses..
The gentle touch of one's hand.

I miss the randomness before.
But most of all I miss the intimacy after.

I miss the soft heavy breaths I was forced to take.
The feeling of pure ecstasy.

But I gave it up.

Because I got tired of the planned sex.
As much as I enjoyed it,
I got tired of the pushing and pulling.

Because it wasn't real.
It was staged.
It was certain to happen.

I got tired of that.
I got tired of being told, when you get here...
I didn't miss that.

Sometimes, no, all the time.
I want the randomness.
The quality time.

Because I don't want love all the time.
Well, not the physical.
But when I want it, like now.

I want it.

I miss it.
The love.
Being loved on.

When I'm bored my mind wanders to
The love.

I got love on my mind.
I Miss It.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Get It Out!!!!

These thoughts are kicking my butt. And then with everything I got going on right now I am losing my mind.

Okay I'm not really losing my mind. But I'm losing it.

Between these three classes, and work, and SGA, and English Club, and life. I'm just, I don't know.

Fighting the good fight. If it can even be called the good fight. But yesterday, I really got slammed with things.

School work, work-work, and even extracurricular work. How do they all manage to drop everything on me at once.

I already have a million and one thoughts. And now I have a million and twelve.

This week is already kicking my butt and I am in need of some fun. Some real, laugh about it weeks later fun.

Something to take my mind off of midterm stress. And all the other stress that comes with being a part of all of these organizations.

The 'rents and my lil sister are stressing me out too but I let the sh*t they do roll off because they never make any sense.


I use to write in this ugly green composition book everything I was feeling. And the way it came out was like poetry. But I can't seem to do that anymore.

I don't have the inspiration I use to. I don't that have that fire that use to drive me to pour out all of my emotions.

It's like something used to take over me and I'd just be holding the pen and the poem or the story would be writing itself.

I'd just be there to turn the page.

There to witness the greatness that flowed from the pen.

I miss feeling like that. I miss leaving school and running to my notebook so that I could shove all my thoughts out before basketball practice.

I miss having to carry around my notebook in college because things would come to me and I wouldn't want to forget them.

I have no idea where that inspiration came from but I need it back because I can feel all the thoughts weighing me down but I can't seem to get them out.

Mirror mirror on the wall... where has all my inspiration gone?

Bullshit Post...

I use to be the "Yes-Man," well the "Yes-Woman" until it all got to be too much. I was always taking on more than enough. I always had to be the over achiever. No matter what I happened to be doing if it needed to be done Courtney could do it.

Then I broke down and realized that sometimes I needed to say no. So, I started saying no, then I got so "no" happy that I said no to everything and ultimately had nothing.

Pure Boredom.

So, I needed to learn how to balance my yes' and no's. And I did. And I got back into the swing of things.

I mean I said yes to everything. Courtney I need this, that, listen to this, do this, give me this, let me have that.

Lord have mercy! What made me so upset was that people knew I would say yes.

And unfortunately I think I'm falling back into that, that whole Yes thing. I need to stop. People are starting to ask me questions that I feel obligated to say yes to and honestly, I don't want to say anything except BACK UP!

I have so many things that I am responsible for that it is all stressing me out. Maybe that's why I'm craving some fun.

I just need to sit back relax and write. Not this bullshit I write, but I mean WRITE.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

This Weekend

When you make plans for the days ahead, for months ahead... do you ever consider yourself a physic, I mean, it's like you know the future.

Okay, that's my random-doesn't-make-much-sense-question of the day.

This weekend, I will be, working, and doing lots of reading and other homework. My summer session for the 2011 summer just started Monday and already I feel swamped. Two English classes and a Spanish class. The story of my life because well, this is what I wanted to study.

All of this reading and writing, and in two languages. I've got to be crazy to want to do this. Maybe not. Maybe it is because this is what I love. I love to read and write. I want to give another student the push my teacher gave me.

She said that reading and writing was more than just something that had to be done to learn. It's needs to be done to elevate a persons knowledge on life, and to release a person's stresses about life.

Gosh I wish I'd known then how right she was about that statement, I would've acted like I cared then.

But anyway, back to this weekend. I'm working, reading, and writing until I can't no more! I have tons of things to do now. It didn't seem like a lot when my classes started but then I realized... It's a helluva a lot.

Ah well, I can handle it, just gotta make sure I get it all done, and do well on it. Straight A's this summer, thats what I'm pulling for.

One Love

Thursday, June 16, 2011

How Would You Feel...

Ever been asked a "How would you feel?" question. Not just any "how would you feel" question either. But a "how would you feel question," so inviting and so tempting that it gave you chills. So, real it made you close your eyes and think about just how you would feel. A question like that makes you exhale just thinking about it. It teases you. Makes your vivid imagination run wildly out of control. And it makes the physical tension that existed once before come back stronger than ever. Whoo, those questions. So, if you were asked one of those questions, how would you feel?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Love Actually, Yeah No

I love you.

Three very powerful words that should not be used unless the person using them is sure/ This isn't a phrase to be tossed around and used lightly.

So, I had a conversation a long time ago and these words came out my mouth, and I don't know why but for the last few months I been thinking about that same conversation, and I realize...

I don't think I meant it. It came out, very prematurely. It just kind of ran out of my mouth. To be honest I wish I could take it back.

Because even now, at this very moment, I don't know what love is. I haven't felt it yet. Not the way I've been told it'll feel.

But even then, not one person on this planet can say, this is what love is, and this is how it feels because everyone loves, perceives, and receives it differently.

I don't even know what made me say it. It just came out. I'm learning, from myself, that I don't really love as many people as I say I love you too and I'm trying to catch myself from using the term so loosely.

Even though this can't be learned I want to know, what does it consist of? Love is, what exactly?

Is it, knowing everything about someone and still wanting to be with them. Or is it taking care of someone when they need you the most, sacrificing yourself for them?

Is love knowing the little things? Someone's favorite color, favorite food, their favorite thing to do.

And what makes someone fall in love. What is it about human attraction. Other than the obvious physical of course.

What draws someone in to another person. Ugh, I just don't know. I can't really say. I guess that old cliche, you'll know when, is true.

I'm still wondering what made me say it. It frustrates me. But it's been done and although I can't take it back, I can and have learned from it.

I do know this though.

Love ain't easy, I see that when I talk to the old folks. And they know love.

Rambling... Still

Today just hasn't been a good day. In fact it has been a bad, bad day.

Just frustrating. Work, especially. I have fun at work but certain people at work grind my gears.

Phone ringing... ignore.

I just don't feel like listening to someone else talk anymore. Got to vent to my bestfriend after she vented out all her frustration.

People want to know why cut them off. They're weighing me down. Certain people just weren't right for me when it came to my life.

They had to go. People that were using me to get ahead, constantly asking me if I can find them a job when, we don't speak in passing.

People ragging on me because of the sex thing, but personally I DON'T GIVE TWO FLYING FUCKS anymore. (Interesting choice of words huh)

People can't seem to let go of who I used to be because they were so cool with the old me. The me that got me nowhere but stressed out and angry.

My patience is wearing thin and honestly... I don't even know.

Why do people always say things because they know it's what you want to hear. Not because it's what you need to hear.

Tell me no lies because I like cold hard facts. The truth. Give it to me striaght like a shot of whiskey.

I don't get it... why say what you know someone wants to here, instead of telling them the truth.

In my opinion, that's how someone ends up hurt. I don't want anyone selling me fake dreams and gassing me up on false hopes.

Phone is ringing again.

The silence mode on a cell is phone AWESOME.

I got some things I want to do before this year is over, and I feel like this is the best time for me to do them.

Ever wonder why things happen the way they do? I'm not saying questioning why they are happening, but why they happen the way they do.

Maybe that's a question that shall remain unanswered.

I need to get some sleep, I have work tomorrow. And workouts. And an SGA conference call.

One might call that a busy day, but for me, it's all good. Before I was involved in things just to be involved. But now, I do things because it's fun for me. When I do a lot that I consider fun I never seem to be to busy.

When you enjoy something, it's not busy work, it's fun. Guess that's what they mean when they say, if you love what you do you'll never work a day in your life.

I don't expect life to be easy, but I will enjoy it.

More thoughts later this love thing is on my mind and I gotta write about it before they escape and I struggle to find the words.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Lupe Fiasco

Everyone is riding Lupe about his Obama comment. But can America really be mad at him? All he did was speak his mind. This is what people ask for all the time right?

For people to keep it real and speak their mind.

People can't seem to handle people who speak what's really on their mind. Opinions or facts America is afraid of the real and desperate for the fake.

People should be thirsty for the confidence to be able to remove the censor from their thoughts and opinions instead of being thirsty for loose sex and drunk times.

I still love Lupe and I'm still bumping this Lasers album. And let's be real... Food and Liquor is still that sh*t.

One Love

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I Feel Better

Ever since my little meltdown the other night I've been smiling non-stop again. I clearly be fooling myself when I let people stay around and be a part of my life knowing that they are essentially not good for me.

For instance, I used to mess with a man I had no business messing with, and even though we had toned down our little affair to a mere friendship I was still bothered. Because not only do we work together now, but he is a faculty member at the college I now attend.


So, the other night, I let it all go. I deleted him from everything he was a part of. Facebook, the old cell (he will not get the new number), twitter... and everything else I could think of. So he had to go!

I feel better because holding on to him was like holding on to false hopes. I had let go of that phase months ago but him still being around wasn't really enough. So he had to go.

I removed some acquaintances and even some "friends." And I feel better.

Hahaha I feel a lot better. School, which I slacked off in at one point is getting better every semester and even though I'm behind I'm getting there.

That's a bit embarrassing but, hey you make your bed you lie in it. Making the best of this situation. I battled so much with what I wanted to do. I contemplated dropping out and moving. I even contemplated moving and going to school elsewhere to take up something completely different.

Man, this has been a rough 4 years. But, its smoothing out nicely. I get more and more excited everyday. Yes there are moments when I get, aggravated and feel like I'm stepping backwards but then I realize, Rome wasn't built in a day, neither was I.

I'm changing everyday and everyday I lose an acquaintance but a true friend remains strong in their stance.

So, here goes everything, because nothing goes nowhere.

One Love

Monday, June 6, 2011

I haven't written anything since the 2nd of May. And I haven't written anything real to me in a month of Sundays. And after all of my changes I've begun to make I have hit a wall.

I'm stuck in this one place, and I'm slowly falling. I knew it wouldn't happen overnight. I didn't expect it to. But after being in this place for three weeks I'm sad and angry.

Because I shouldn't be here, still.

I think I was scared, about getting to the place where I would finally be happy. I didn't think I'd be able to handle it. I been asking for God to bless me with it and I been running from it.

Then, I made the decision to jump back into it and I ran into a past obstacle I thought I had already made it over. And it hurt me to my soul. And ever since I, in a way, gave up.

But I hate it, so I'm changing it. Right now.

I don't know exactly when I decided to try and get off this plateau. Somewhere between me being in church and wanting to cry and me being outside today and thinking about everything.

But I'm ready. I always say that I am and then I run but I'm really ready. I'm tired of running from what God wants to bless me with. And yes it;s going to take time on my part but I'm willing to put in the work.

I know this will result in people falling out of my life, and at first I was afraid of that but now. I don't care. If their falling it is because they need to. And if they're standing there when I make it over this mountain it's because I need them.

I realize I can't do it on my own and I'm good with that. The time is now, for me to do all that I want. It won't make me busy, it will make me happy.

It's not meant to distract me like it used to. It's meant for my enjoyment. My peace of mind. My everything I need it to be.

I'm finding myself, and for once, I'm anxious to see who I am. In my entirety.

One love.