I haven't written anything since the 2nd of May. And I haven't written anything real to me in a month of Sundays. And after all of my changes I've begun to make I have hit a wall.
I'm stuck in this one place, and I'm slowly falling. I knew it wouldn't happen overnight. I didn't expect it to. But after being in this place for three weeks I'm sad and angry.
Because I shouldn't be here, still.
I think I was scared, about getting to the place where I would finally be happy. I didn't think I'd be able to handle it. I been asking for God to bless me with it and I been running from it.
Then, I made the decision to jump back into it and I ran into a past obstacle I thought I had already made it over. And it hurt me to my soul. And ever since I, in a way, gave up.
But I hate it, so I'm changing it. Right now.
I don't know exactly when I decided to try and get off this plateau. Somewhere between me being in church and wanting to cry and me being outside today and thinking about everything.
But I'm ready. I always say that I am and then I run but I'm really ready. I'm tired of running from what God wants to bless me with. And yes it;s going to take time on my part but I'm willing to put in the work.
I know this will result in people falling out of my life, and at first I was afraid of that but now. I don't care. If their falling it is because they need to. And if they're standing there when I make it over this mountain it's because I need them.
I realize I can't do it on my own and I'm good with that. The time is now, for me to do all that I want. It won't make me busy, it will make me happy.
It's not meant to distract me like it used to. It's meant for my enjoyment. My peace of mind. My everything I need it to be.
I'm finding myself, and for once, I'm anxious to see who I am. In my entirety.