This Is Not Goodbye

Over the past few months I have been going through this process. I was always saying that I was changing but a friend of mine said to me that people never change, they just become who they have always wanted to be.

And he was right. So, I began doing all of these things. I started working out again, I made the big chop, and I let go of a lot of people.

I find that the more I focus on myself and the more and work on making life better for myself the happier I become.

There is nothing wrong with letting people go when they are the ones trying to hold you back.

So, they had to go.

I'm excited about this fresh start. And with all of this "coming of age" type improvements what better way to really go at it than to finally do what I have been wanting to forever, and that is start a new blog.

So, with a bittersweet feeling in the pit of my stomach I am now done writing on this blog. I have shared with it some of the best and worst, and downright comical times.

I have argued with people through this blog, cried on it, and even lost my temper. And it has all been a helluva ride.

I have fallen in deep like and been dumped on this blog. I met great people and lost great friends.

On this blog I admitted to some of my fears and even confessed some of my secrets.

I thought about deleting it but, I can't... it is a part of me and I will cherish all of the memories that come with this blog. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Thank you for suggesting I start one, because it did more for me than I thought it would.

So, without further ado, I prepare myself for tomorrow's first entry in my new blog.

Special thanks to @minusthebars who unknowingly helped me to name my next blog.

Welp, here goes nothing.

One Love.

What The Plank???

Hahahaha it's funny.

That was my first thought when I saw the pictures of random people all over planking all over. I even witnessed it first hand and man was it funny.

But I had no idea where it came from. I thought maybe it had come from a movie. Something one of today's comedians had done in a show that was sweeping across the nation.

Thanks to Twitter (because Twitter is so educational, ha!) I saw a link that allowed me to see just what planking really was and where it came from.

Someone tweeted a link, which I wish I still had access to about how planking came from slavery. How planking originated from slaves being stacked one on top of the other.

This took all the fun out laughing at you idiots for planking. So, I proceeded to Google the term "planking."

All I saw was "Planking- Australian lying down game." You all need to see that slavery, our history, is being erased and aspects of it, like planking, no matter how horrible it may be has been classified as a game.

Stacking human beings on top of each other to make room and save money is not a game to me. It's ignorant and as funny as it was before, it's stupid now.

Give it a rest. Find something else to imitate.

And if that doesn't make you want to stop... google this ---> "Man Dies From Planking."

Its All Out Now

All of those thoughts that I had I got em out. Talked em out now I just got to write em down. Ima do that later though.

I Got Love On My Mind Because I Miss It

I miss it.
The love that is to be made.
The passion that is played upon.

But, why did I give it all up?
What made me want to let go of something so real.
Maybe it wasn't real love.

Maybe it was fake.
But, I miss it.

I miss...
I miss the long slow kisses..
The gentle touch of one's hand.

I miss the randomness before.
But most of all I miss the intimacy after.

I miss the soft heavy breaths I was forced to take.
The feeling of pure ecstasy.

But I gave it up.
Why?

Because I got tired of the planned sex.
As much as I enjoyed it,
I got tired of the pushing and pulling.

Because it wasn't real.
It was staged.
It was certain to happen.

I got tired of that.
I got tired of being told, when you get here...
I didn't miss that.

Sometimes, no, all the time.
I want the randomness.
The quality time.

Because I don't want love all the time.
Well, not the physical.
But when I want it, like now.

I want it.

I miss it.
The love.
Being loved on.

When I'm bored my mind wanders to
The love.

I got love on my mind.
Because
I Miss It.

Get It Out!!!!

These thoughts are kicking my butt. And then with everything I got going on right now I am losing my mind.

Okay I'm not really losing my mind. But I'm losing it.

Between these three classes, and work, and SGA, and English Club, and life. I'm just, I don't know.

Fighting the good fight. If it can even be called the good fight. But yesterday, I really got slammed with things.

School work, work-work, and even extracurricular work. How do they all manage to drop everything on me at once.

I already have a million and one thoughts. And now I have a million and twelve.

This week is already kicking my butt and I am in need of some fun. Some real, laugh about it weeks later fun.

Something to take my mind off of midterm stress. And all the other stress that comes with being a part of all of these organizations.

The 'rents and my lil sister are stressing me out too but I let the sh*t they do roll off because they never make any sense.

Inspiration

I use to write in this ugly green composition book everything I was feeling. And the way it came out was like poetry. But I can't seem to do that anymore.

I don't have the inspiration I use to. I don't that have that fire that use to drive me to pour out all of my emotions.

It's like something used to take over me and I'd just be holding the pen and the poem or the story would be writing itself.

I'd just be there to turn the page.

There to witness the greatness that flowed from the pen.

I miss feeling like that. I miss leaving school and running to my notebook so that I could shove all my thoughts out before basketball practice.

I miss having to carry around my notebook in college because things would come to me and I wouldn't want to forget them.

I have no idea where that inspiration came from but I need it back because I can feel all the thoughts weighing me down but I can't seem to get them out.

Mirror mirror on the wall... where has all my inspiration gone?

Bullshit Post...

I use to be the "Yes-Man," well the "Yes-Woman" until it all got to be too much. I was always taking on more than enough. I always had to be the over achiever. No matter what I happened to be doing if it needed to be done Courtney could do it.

Then I broke down and realized that sometimes I needed to say no. So, I started saying no, then I got so "no" happy that I said no to everything and ultimately had nothing.

Pure Boredom.

So, I needed to learn how to balance my yes' and no's. And I did. And I got back into the swing of things.

I mean I said yes to everything. Courtney I need this, that, listen to this, do this, give me this, let me have that.

Lord have mercy! What made me so upset was that people knew I would say yes.

And unfortunately I think I'm falling back into that, that whole Yes thing. I need to stop. People are starting to ask me questions that I feel obligated to say yes to and honestly, I don't want to say anything except BACK UP!

I have so many things that I am responsible for that it is all stressing me out. Maybe that's why I'm craving some fun.

I just need to sit back relax and write. Not this bullshit I write, but I mean WRITE.

This Weekend

When you make plans for the days ahead, for months ahead... do you ever consider yourself a physic, I mean, it's like you know the future.

Okay, that's my random-doesn't-make-much-sense-question of the day.

This weekend, I will be, working, and doing lots of reading and other homework. My summer session for the 2011 summer just started Monday and already I feel swamped. Two English classes and a Spanish class. The story of my life because well, this is what I wanted to study.

All of this reading and writing, and in two languages. I've got to be crazy to want to do this. Maybe not. Maybe it is because this is what I love. I love to read and write. I want to give another student the push my teacher gave me.

She said that reading and writing was more than just something that had to be done to learn. It's needs to be done to elevate a persons knowledge on life, and to release a person's stresses about life.

Gosh I wish I'd known then how right she was about that statement, I would've acted like I cared then.

But anyway, back to this weekend. I'm working, reading, and writing until I can't no more! I have tons of things to do now. It didn't seem like a lot when my classes started but then I realized... It's a helluva a lot.

Ah well, I can handle it, just gotta make sure I get it all done, and do well on it. Straight A's this summer, thats what I'm pulling for.

One Love

How Would You Feel...

Ever been asked a "How would you feel?" question. Not just any "how would you feel" question either. But a "how would you feel question," so inviting and so tempting that it gave you chills. So, real it made you close your eyes and think about just how you would feel. A question like that makes you exhale just thinking about it. It teases you. Makes your vivid imagination run wildly out of control. And it makes the physical tension that existed once before come back stronger than ever. Whoo, those questions. So, if you were asked one of those questions, how would you feel?

Love Actually, Yeah No

I love you.

Three very powerful words that should not be used unless the person using them is sure/ This isn't a phrase to be tossed around and used lightly.

So, I had a conversation a long time ago and these words came out my mouth, and I don't know why but for the last few months I been thinking about that same conversation, and I realize...

I don't think I meant it. It came out, very prematurely. It just kind of ran out of my mouth. To be honest I wish I could take it back.

Because even now, at this very moment, I don't know what love is. I haven't felt it yet. Not the way I've been told it'll feel.

But even then, not one person on this planet can say, this is what love is, and this is how it feels because everyone loves, perceives, and receives it differently.

I don't even know what made me say it. It just came out. I'm learning, from myself, that I don't really love as many people as I say I love you too and I'm trying to catch myself from using the term so loosely.

Even though this can't be learned I want to know, what does it consist of? Love is, what exactly?

Is it, knowing everything about someone and still wanting to be with them. Or is it taking care of someone when they need you the most, sacrificing yourself for them?

Is love knowing the little things? Someone's favorite color, favorite food, their favorite thing to do.

And what makes someone fall in love. What is it about human attraction. Other than the obvious physical of course.

What draws someone in to another person. Ugh, I just don't know. I can't really say. I guess that old cliche, you'll know when, is true.

I'm still wondering what made me say it. It frustrates me. But it's been done and although I can't take it back, I can and have learned from it.

I do know this though.

Love ain't easy, I see that when I talk to the old folks. And they know love.

Rambling... Still

Today just hasn't been a good day. In fact it has been a bad, bad day.

Just frustrating. Work, especially. I have fun at work but certain people at work grind my gears.

Phone ringing... ignore.

I just don't feel like listening to someone else talk anymore. Got to vent to my bestfriend after she vented out all her frustration.

People want to know why cut them off. They're weighing me down. Certain people just weren't right for me when it came to my life.

They had to go. People that were using me to get ahead, constantly asking me if I can find them a job when, we don't speak in passing.

People ragging on me because of the sex thing, but personally I DON'T GIVE TWO FLYING FUCKS anymore. (Interesting choice of words huh)

People can't seem to let go of who I used to be because they were so cool with the old me. The me that got me nowhere but stressed out and angry.

My patience is wearing thin and honestly... I don't even know.

Why do people always say things because they know it's what you want to hear. Not because it's what you need to hear.

Tell me no lies because I like cold hard facts. The truth. Give it to me striaght like a shot of whiskey.

I don't get it... why say what you know someone wants to here, instead of telling them the truth.

In my opinion, that's how someone ends up hurt. I don't want anyone selling me fake dreams and gassing me up on false hopes.

Phone is ringing again.

The silence mode on a cell is phone AWESOME.

I got some things I want to do before this year is over, and I feel like this is the best time for me to do them.

Ever wonder why things happen the way they do? I'm not saying questioning why they are happening, but why they happen the way they do.

Maybe that's a question that shall remain unanswered.

I need to get some sleep, I have work tomorrow. And workouts. And an SGA conference call.

One might call that a busy day, but for me, it's all good. Before I was involved in things just to be involved. But now, I do things because it's fun for me. When I do a lot that I consider fun I never seem to be to busy.

When you enjoy something, it's not busy work, it's fun. Guess that's what they mean when they say, if you love what you do you'll never work a day in your life.

I don't expect life to be easy, but I will enjoy it.

More thoughts later this love thing is on my mind and I gotta write about it before they escape and I struggle to find the words.

Lupe Fiasco

Everyone is riding Lupe about his Obama comment. But can America really be mad at him? All he did was speak his mind. This is what people ask for all the time right?

For people to keep it real and speak their mind.

People can't seem to handle people who speak what's really on their mind. Opinions or facts America is afraid of the real and desperate for the fake.

People should be thirsty for the confidence to be able to remove the censor from their thoughts and opinions instead of being thirsty for loose sex and drunk times.

I still love Lupe and I'm still bumping this Lasers album. And let's be real... Food and Liquor is still that sh*t.

One Love

I Feel Better

Ever since my little meltdown the other night I've been smiling non-stop again. I clearly be fooling myself when I let people stay around and be a part of my life knowing that they are essentially not good for me.

For instance, I used to mess with a man I had no business messing with, and even though we had toned down our little affair to a mere friendship I was still bothered. Because not only do we work together now, but he is a faculty member at the college I now attend.

Trouble.

So, the other night, I let it all go. I deleted him from everything he was a part of. Facebook, the old cell (he will not get the new number), twitter... and everything else I could think of. So he had to go!

I feel better because holding on to him was like holding on to false hopes. I had let go of that phase months ago but him still being around wasn't really enough. So he had to go.

I removed some acquaintances and even some "friends." And I feel better.

Hahaha I feel a lot better. School, which I slacked off in at one point is getting better every semester and even though I'm behind I'm getting there.

That's a bit embarrassing but, hey you make your bed you lie in it. Making the best of this situation. I battled so much with what I wanted to do. I contemplated dropping out and moving. I even contemplated moving and going to school elsewhere to take up something completely different.

Man, this has been a rough 4 years. But, its smoothing out nicely. I get more and more excited everyday. Yes there are moments when I get, aggravated and feel like I'm stepping backwards but then I realize, Rome wasn't built in a day, neither was I.

I'm changing everyday and everyday I lose an acquaintance but a true friend remains strong in their stance.

So, here goes everything, because nothing goes nowhere.

One Love

I haven't written anything since the 2nd of May. And I haven't written anything real to me in a month of Sundays. And after all of my changes I've begun to make I have hit a wall.

I'm stuck in this one place, and I'm slowly falling. I knew it wouldn't happen overnight. I didn't expect it to. But after being in this place for three weeks I'm sad and angry.

Because I shouldn't be here, still.

I think I was scared, about getting to the place where I would finally be happy. I didn't think I'd be able to handle it. I been asking for God to bless me with it and I been running from it.

Then, I made the decision to jump back into it and I ran into a past obstacle I thought I had already made it over. And it hurt me to my soul. And ever since I, in a way, gave up.

But I hate it, so I'm changing it. Right now.

I don't know exactly when I decided to try and get off this plateau. Somewhere between me being in church and wanting to cry and me being outside today and thinking about everything.

But I'm ready. I always say that I am and then I run but I'm really ready. I'm tired of running from what God wants to bless me with. And yes it;s going to take time on my part but I'm willing to put in the work.

I know this will result in people falling out of my life, and at first I was afraid of that but now. I don't care. If their falling it is because they need to. And if they're standing there when I make it over this mountain it's because I need them.

I realize I can't do it on my own and I'm good with that. The time is now, for me to do all that I want. It won't make me busy, it will make me happy.

It's not meant to distract me like it used to. It's meant for my enjoyment. My peace of mind. My everything I need it to be.

I'm finding myself, and for once, I'm anxious to see who I am. In my entirety.

One love.

Easter Sunday

Church was good, the message was "Let's Talk About It." Which is something I've been needing to do lately.

But I'm not ready. I need to make it through this entire process un-tampered with. I am feeling a little bad about just leaving my best friend and family out of this loop but I had to.

Last time they all tried to talk me out of it and help me fix things but things never really got fixed.

This time I had to just go. Cold turkey l.o.l.

I did get on Facebook today though. Saw that I had millions of notifications and messages but I didn't check them. I only got online to deactivate my account.

When I'm ready to re-join networking world I will but until then here is where I'll be.

I've been toying with the idea of really cutting people off and for that reason, my cell is off. Literally. It sits in my room all day and all night.

I don't take it to work or school anymore. Weird huh? I wonder how many people in the world could live without their cell?

Someone who didn't know me would say I was crazy and being irrational about how I'm handling this part of my life right now.

But someone that really knew me and really knew my struggle and my pain would understand this decision.

Tomorrow is Monday which means I have a lot to do tonight for the week. About to update some other blogs and then smack the books.

I'm getting my writing legs back under me so expect me to lay some stuff on you real soon. Nothing to heavy, but something with a little weight on it.

One love.

Today is going to be a better day. I feel it in my bones. Haven't been as true to my notebook as I should be.

I haven't written anything heavy for a while and I'm at that point where I feel I need to. I'm getting an official divorce from Tumblr since it seems to keep messing up.

Might just move my "Hip-Hop and Other Music" blog to Blogspot, because with only one exception this site has been good to me.

My video blog that I've been running off at the mouth about is finally about to become a reality.

It's nothing to serious yet but, eventually it will get there. Spring Sports Championships this week so I'll be out at the track watching all the events.

You know what show I like watching... Yes, Dear on TBS. It's kind of funny. I plan on looking a mess for the remained of the semester as far as my hair is concerned. Meaning that I will not be getting a blowout before finals.

It's all getting ready to come off and I'm excited! May 16, 2011 is the big day. I can hardly stand it.

Ah well, I have another post or two to write before my 11 o' clock so more later... or tomorrow.

One love.

I haven't been on a social networking site, other than this if you count it, in about two weeks. And I feel good. I needed a break and after breaking down the other day I just felt like I wasn't ready to join the rest of the world yet.

I need a vacation, a serious one. And I want to go by myself. I know it sounds strange but the weight of everything I've been doing and going through these last few weeks is making me tired.

I'm still happy, my joy hasn't left. But I need a break. At 21 I didn't expect to be this stressed. I guess I brought it upon myself but how I don't know. It's like I didn't see this train coming and it just smacked me.

I haven't talked to anyone on the phone in ages, and that's fine with me. I just don't want to be bothered. I needed a break from people.

I don't even hang out on the yard anymore. I walk behind Foster Hall away from everyone and go on about my business.

Work is okay, doing my job and going home. Haven't sang in a while. But I have been vibing to De La Soul and a Tribe Called Quest and Lupe in the mornings.

Kirk Franklin and other gospel greats as soon as I wake up. Kesha and Far East Movement in the evenings.

Yeah I listen to it all.

I'm enjoying not having to listen to other people. For once I'm doing really well and I'm enjoying myself.

Last time I went away like this I checked in and I guess not doing that this time is making this all worthwhile.

I'm going to be out and about again just haven't decided when yet. I guess that's for God to decide. But much is about to change sooooo I hope the world is ready. I'm continuing on my journey to be a better me.

Starting over fresh, in every way possible.

One love.

Rambling Mind

Yesterday was a big day for me, I mean it was a very BIG day for me. I now have all the money needed for summer school, which is a blessing because I didn't think I'd have it.

Any who, today is going to be pretty intense. I have a presentation that I have to do entirely in Spanish. Yes, it's my minor but geesh! I'm not the greatest speaker of Spanish, I'm still in the learning phase.

I'm looking into moving soon. I need a change of scenery. I went and checked out some lofts downtown, very nice.

I just want something to call entirely my own ya know.

I'm planning my pizza party for my students that made the honor roll. I told them if they made honor roll we'd have pizza and a movie. They worked hard so I'm going to reward them.

I got to talk to my brother. He's doing just fine over there in the sandbox. Keeps telling me to send him fried chicken.

He so greedy.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about becoming a part of something on campus. I feel like it's time for me to make a change here. I've gotten over being the new transfer and I'm ready to show people just what I'm made of.

I'm heavily contemplating the day on which I'm going to cut my hair because it's time. I'm going to go extremely short with my cut and let it grow back healthy.

Big Chop time!!!!!

It's so much going on in my head I can't seem to get all my thoughts out on paper, well on the screen???

I do have some serious things I want to discuss with you all. Later for that though, it's a lot going on around me.

Attention: Missing Blog?!

I'm missing a blog... isn't that crazy. It's just gone! I get online respond to the comment, get off line and it's gone. Hopefully my computer and blogspot are having a temporary issue with one another because ummmm yea, I want my blog back.

HELP ME WITH MY HOMEWORK!!!!!

OKAY BLOGGERS AND GUESTS I NEED A HUGE FAVOR.

I AM WRITING A DEFINITION PAPER FOR MY EXPOSITORY WRITING CLASS AND I NEED YOUR OPINION OR WHAT YOUR DEFINITION OF THE WORD LOVE IS.

THANKS SO MUCH!!!!

Sex Drive

My mind is on SEX! That's it. I mean that is not it but that's it.

I have other things on my mind but more than likely no matter what I'm doing or thinking about my mind is still on SEX!

Isn't that horrible. My body is yearning so bad that if I could have my way. I'd be getting some right now.

I mean, not just some random rough sex.

I want some passionate, slow deep strong love.

That's it. Thats what I want, some love making time.

Something with some meaning behind it.

Ugh!!!! Where is the good doctor when I need him????

Breaking Down

Okay, so my spirits are a little lifted! I have no choice but to smile everyday anyway right.I mean things aren't completely amazing but hey when are they ever.

Gotta take the good with the bad.

My sex drive is at an all time high, problem is, I'm on this celibacy trip and haven't had sex since 2010. Like early November late October 2010.

But my body is craving for it now. I mean my body is begging for it. Slowly I'm breaking down but I'm hanging in there.

Yeah that last sentence was a contradiction.

I want to give in to temptation so bad but my heart won't let me. I'm on a mission to save my self until marriage.

No I'm not a virgin but after some thought, I had to put a lock on body. I only want to give it to one that is deserving.

And for that reason, I am waiting until I get married.

My thoughts are... whooo hoo boy they are bad. But I'm suppressing them more and more.

I just need some physical attention. I need a man to come and take care of three simple things.

My needs are: (in case you're wondering hahaha)
~a shoulder rub
~some sweet sweet tender kisses
~and my body held

That's it. A little physical compassion to match the emotional compassion I'm longing for.

But yeah, I'm breaking down.

Letting My Fingers Talk

It's 7:36 and I am sitting at the office, mad because I'm still here. Yes I have the power to get up and make myself go home but why, when there is so much to be done?

At the age of 21 I have two jobs and am searching for a third. Why? Because right now I work to be okay, actually that's a lie. I work to be broke. I can't ever seem to be stable.

And I want that. There are pay periods though where I have the chance and the blessing to be able to blow a little money. Times when I'm caught up and paid over on my bills but for the last few weeks things have been a little difficult.

Summer school is fast approaching and all I can think about is how am I going to pay for it? Where am I going to get the money for books and tuition and Fall tuition for that matter.

I'm praying to the heavens above that I get this loan. I need it for school. To pay for my classes and to pay for housing. My downfall is the amount of distraction I allow to invade the privacy of my life.

I'm fighting to be happy when I should be fighting in the classroom to be the smartest kid on campus. But my focus is, well I have no focus. I just want to be able to go home and focus entirely upon me.

Yes, I've finally given in to focusing on me where I am now, but slowly the focus on me is being pulled away. I'm ready to be able to devote some time to myself.

Wholeheartedly.

I want this loan so bad, not just to have my own but to be able to be able to find some peace, and some stability.

That's what I crave most in my life right now. There is nothing more important to me right now than the thought of knowing that I can stand on my own to feet.

I mean really stand on them. Be strong in my stance in a way that if the winds of a storm came through I could handle it. I could withstand them.

I love this song, amel larrieux's no one else, great song... if you're reading this you should check it out. She makes great music.

But my feel good song, oh my goapele's closer to my dreams. But intertwined into that play list is kirk franklin's brighter day.

That's feel good music. It keeps me motivated and it keeps me moving. I'm trying to rush life but I know God's got a purpose and a plan and I'm just going to wait on Him.

Sometimes I get tired of waiting though, but I know I must be ambitious yet content. So I will do so. Currently head bobbing to goapele. This song always makes me smile.

I look at my life now, the past and the present. Can't look at the future because I don't know what's in store for me. But I see where I don't want to be.

Here where I am now, sitting in the office at ten minutes to eight not even thinking about going home.

I guess, being a hard worker runs in the family. But it has also run the family into the ground.

I'm just tired I guess. Ready for something else new to come my way. Something that will make my heart skip a beat and put some pep in my step.

India is playing now. Now this is my kind of music. I guess since I'm still here I should do some work but my heart is telling me to let my hands do the work they see fit. So I will keep writing.

This blog is quite long, I see it in the scrolling bar to the right. But oh well... today has been a day unlike any other. I felt a bit of my pride I take in my academics get ripped away today.

I'm tired of letting life interfere with my education. I let it knowingly take over. And yes I must live life, but the sacrifices I have made for life have made me who I am, this person so addicted to busy work I have no thoughts of life.

I miss my childhood, my teenage years. I spent them with my mother, traveling on the road while she worked. From the minute I was conceived up until even now, my life has been all about her work.

I hate it. But, I put myself here. I allowed her to trick me into doing all the things she wanted me to. She said it herself, this is right where she wants me to be. I hate myself for falling for this trick.

I need to be able to fend for myself and I need for her to support me in that. As much as we fight, oh gosh I'm about to cry. I need for my mother to be my mother. Not my coach.

Not my enemy, not my life coach. For we see where her life coaching has gotten me. Bitter and miserable like her. I just want to be happy. I need for her to be okay with that. Then again, no I don't.

I just need to run, not away from my issues but head on into them. This hold that she has on me I thought I had destroyed but with every "conversation" we have I realize that she keeps me around because she knows I have no voice of my own.

But all of that is about to come to a close. Whether I get my own place or not. Reverend McLaughlin said that sometime you have to holler to get people to really hear you. He said you have no choice to holler at the people who've known you to be quiet forever.

They're not expecting it, and neither are you really. Eventually all that builds up and all you can do is pray about it and holler.

My voice from ages 15 up until now is begging me to let it out and I'm going to. I have no choice. It will kill me if I don't.

I just need a boost of energy. I need something to inspire me, fuel me to keep going. I need some encouragement.

Fingers are slowing down, guess my heart is feeling a bit better. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to smile, I want to laugh, I want to be able to put my headphones on and listen to music then take them off and not have to worry about the problems invading my thoughts.

I'm feeling amazing but things aren't amazing. Fooled myself. I'm going through this 100 days of change process in which I get myself, my life, and my faith together. I'm blogging about it... if you're reading this you should check it out. It's not much but it is about me and my journey to real happiness.

And I have a randomness that is me blog... check that out to if you're reading this. Alright now, I have work to do... later whoever you are reading this. Be blessed and...

Pray for me... please.

A Little Prayer

Life is currently amazing but people keep trying to destroy my happiness. Asking you to please pray for me as I fight yet another battle.

10 smiles a day will keep the haters away... *smiles hard*

I Had Them All Fooled

Gotcha!

That's what I've always wanted to say to the people who thought me strong and invincible. The people who deemed me, the leader, the go-to girl.

Everyone I went to junior college with all describe me in the same way. They see me as someone strong and independent.

Ha, got 'em. In those years, I was weak and depressed. Mentally and emotionally drained. But I kept smiling.

People always say, Courtney you were so this and you were so that, I just wanted a little bit of the happiness you had.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

I was going crazy and was pushing away the people I loved the most. And even the people that wanted to love me.

I had 'em fooled didn't I. They really thought those smiles I wore everyday were real. But they weren't. I was hurting.

Even though I'm a truly happier person now, and that I am a strong person mentally. I'm slowly reaching that level of independence...

To know that people saw me as a strong woman makes me feel as if not only did I put on a good show, but maybe they were right.

But even that maybe may be a stretch.

Consider a breakfast plate, there is bacon & there are eggs...note that the pig was committed & the chicken was involved...in this season, the vision requires those who are committed in the crucial positions...chickens, please move to the back line...you are needed, you just can't lead, we don't need leaders who are not present in critical times...

I Wonder

I wonder what it would be like if I left today and didn't return until the summer ended?

What would the people around me do without me?

They act like they can't function without me at times. Not all of them, but some of them.

They're so dependent on me. I wonder what they would do if they knew I was breaking underneath.

If they knew all that they had put on my was indeed getting entirely too heavy for me.

I haven't seen some people all week and they've been blowing up every social networking site that they know I am a part of.

It's funny to me how some of these people constantly claim to need no one and yet they are all on my "jock" as one of my friends says.

It's kind of funny actually, watching them need me when it seems as if I am a non-factor when I'm around.

Ha! What if I did this for a whole summer?

I Lied

Okay, I lied... it is harder than I thought.

Today wasn't such a great day for me, but I know that I gotta keep pushing myself. I know I can do this.

I need to start reading tonight... well today rather. Still have no plans to hang out with anyone this week.

Got to much to do.

I can't wait til Friday... it'll be the end of this wretched week.

Summer is getting closer and I have to stay on track.

No fun this week. Got to stay focused.

Miss him... wow, never thought I'd say those words again.

Well, I'm about to get off work and since I'm all sweaty I need to take another shower.

Got to stay fresh! lol

Classes all day, passport duties, quick meeting in HR then home.

Don't know what I'm cooking tonight, but I'll think of something.

A Little More Discipline

This isn't going to be as hard as I thought, but then again, it's only the first day. I still have quite a bit to do.

But, like I said I'm ready this time. Just got to have a little more discipline than before.

Stop being embarrassed about it.

Got a lot to do this week.

Professor wants us to read an entire book and be able to take and pass a test on it by Friday. No fun this week.

Basketball has disappointed me, Texas lost last night, I'm officially over the NCAA tournament lol. Not really but I'm a little upset.

Oh well, back to it I go.

repeats to self *gotta be disciplined, got to be disciplined*

Six Weeks

Spring break is over, and honestly I'm kind of happy that it is. I'm ready to get this semester over with. Don't get me wrong, I still love school, but for some reason I'm really, really looking forward to this summer vacation.

School will be over in six weeks though and the thought of it coming to such a fast end has me wanting to be extremely focused.

I'm about to take a big step in my life as far as ME is concerned. It's something I've toyed with for a while but I'm finally committing myself back to this. I'm excited, I feel like this time I'm going to stick with it too.

So, tomorrow begins my official 100 days of change. I''m so excited about this. It's a chance for me to better myself mentally and physically. And to really revamp myself altogether.

As with all things, when starting something new the hardest thing is the first day and in this case, the first week.

With that being said the smartest thing for me to do this week is not let myself get distracted.

With that being said, I'ma cool it with the tweeting and the faebooking. I'ma really have to cool it on the music for that's all I do at work, and I'ma have to avoid kicking it with my friends after classes, at least for this week only.

I have to make sure I can incorporate these changes in my life so that it all works together in a sense.

But i'm excited and willing to be disciplined enough to make sure I stay the course. Once I know I can do it, and am in a set rhythm I'll be back at it, living life with a few added activities and such.

So, after tonight, the blogging MIGHT become scarce again but that's something I'm really trying to avoid.

Guess we'll see how things go.

The process of revamping begins tomorrow morning @ 4:45 a.m. so I will definitely be giving myself the dreaded bedtime lol.

Welp, back to basketball and books. I got a big day and an even bigger week ahead of me. Wish me luck!

*crosses fingers*

How Intense is Your Kiss

My kiss is, intense like rounding 3rd base.

There is an indescribable passion behind that I really can't explain. I just know, when I want it, I want it.

My level of intensity goes from chill to real in a matter of seconds.

Maybe it's just me but, when it comes to kissing there is something that must drive me. I can't kiss without a purpose. There must be a purpose.

If there is no purpose, there is no kiss.

And I only give what is given to me. If I'm being kissed at a level of 1 then guess what, you're only going to get a one.

Ugh! This question kills me, but that's my answer. Not a complete though but a thought none-the-less.

When all of my thoughts come together there will be another blog.

Til then, MUAH!!!!!

I Love to Kiss

Lip to lip
Chest to chest
I love to kiss.

Fingers laced
Tight embrace
I love to kiss.

There's something about a man's lips
That makes me feel... oh
I love to kiss.

The passion I feel from him,
Raises the level of intensity in me.
Because I love to kiss.

My kisses aren't meant to be taken lightly.
For with every kiss there is, passion.
I love to kiss.

The intensity level is...
High
Because I love to kiss.

Lip to lip
Chest to chest
I love to kiss.

Fingers laced
Tight embrace
I love to kiss.

No Sex til Marriage???

I've made a promise to myself, one that right now is a little unstable in it's explanation and process.

I've decided to give up on sex. Not that I don't want to have sex but, I want more than that. I'm over the whole "baby let's get busy, no strings attached sex."

And I'm completely over the "you're my girlfriend, I"m your boyfriend let's have sex and not have a relationship type sex."

I'm tired of that. I want a real relationship. One that includes affection and intimacy not just sex, for as far as I'm concerned intimacy is no longer sex.

Sex is sex all by itself.

So, until I feel some TRUE affection (had to clarify that true part) I'm not having sex. And since from what I've heard, learned and seen, I won't be having sex until I get married.

I know I come from a generation of sex first talk later but, I don't want that. And I may be old in spirit in what I want but hey, it's what I want. And as selfish as this may be... I WANT WHAT I WANT AND I'M NOT GONNA BE SATISFIED TIL I GET IT!!!!!!

Til then, no sex til marriage? or maybe til I find what I want. hmmmm only time will tell, even then, after not having sex for so long will I want. hmmmm

All About Brittnee

Sooooo, this is Brittnee. She's my twin. No one had really met her before this past weekend but I figured it was high time she showed herself.

And oh boy did she show her behind! That girl is wild. Drinking and acting silly. She was even a little rude at one point but I can't fault her for that.

CIAA weekend was something like a lot of fun. Didn't see a lot of games which I regret because in all honesty thats why I go forreal. I love basketball. But I did have quite a bit of fun.

Everything was chill til my cousin and I got into it. And well needless to say we really let people see just what we go thru with this family.

After an emotional breakdown people showed me just how much they had my back. My aunt told me anytime I need to come home I call her and she will send for me.

Knowing that makes me wanna cry right now because I thought after leaving the way I did they wouldn't let me come home. I'm glad I can because I'm going home for a visit soon just to get away from VA. I need it.

Being able to go home will help me to continually keep my sanity. Anyways, after that... Brittnee went and showed out.

Shout-out to whomever money she spent on those drinks at bar 10. Thats a bad chick make a man spend his money and not give him any play once she goes to bed.

A mess... but she was all over the place. Enjoying the nightlife and still maintaining her trait of being a respectable woman.

Brittnee is a trip but Courtney is back in VA now and reality has set in.

Back to smiling baby... oh yeah.

Gone Crazy!!!

The face says it all but guess what...???

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

I Keep Telling Myself

I've been telling myself over and over again that I'm going to start blogging again. And writing poetry, and getting back into spoken word and yet I haven't.

Problem is I've wanted to but I haven't needed to. I thought I did but I can't force myself to write it's unnatural.

There's nothing no reason to write if you have nothing to write about. Sure I could write about my day but sometimes I'm so fed up with the stuff that has happened during the day writing about it makes me frustrated all over again.

But as of late light has been getting really real. So, I have much to talk about and lots to share.

So bloggers I'm getting ready to pour my heart out once again. But this time, there is much more stability in my life. Much more. But there has been a minor situation. But it was good for my soul, like my grandma's pineapple cake.

Catch ya in the a.m. bloggers...

Twitter Life

So, everyone has pretty much fell prey to the world of Twitter and anyone who has a twitter has to admit it, they kinda love it. Twitter is a chance to be open with the entire world.

Unlike Facebook, where many watch what they say due to family members being on their page, Twitter is no holds bar.

It's reckless and I love it!!!!

I urge anyone having a bad day to twatch whats going on on Twitter, I guarantee someone you follow, or someone that follows you will brighten your day a little. How??? Because people say some funny stuff on twitter.

FOr instance, the entire twitter nation seemed to be watching WWE Monday night and then the entire twitter nation tweeted his funniest comment ever...

"Go eat ya fruity pebbles you yabbadabbabitch!!!" HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!

See, now isn't that funny... imagine being upset and seeing that on Twitter... instant laughter.

Omg! I have to admit, I'm a little addicted to Twitter... sometimes I just feel like sharing things with the world... okay quite often... yeah I feel like sharing most things with the Twitter world.

But it is what it is... #Teamfollowback --------> @UcAnKiSsMyBiBle

Shout Out Thursday!

Even thought the Shout Out Saturday movement I was a part of came to an abrupt end I must shout out this blogger that truly writes some good things.

Y'all check this out:

Self-Reflection
This is a re-post. I didn't have any followers at the time and this is one of my favorite poems . I would love to hear what you think of it. My life has changed dramatically since I wrote this.


Looking In the mirror
reflecting on the past.
How I often wondered,
how it went so fast.
The opportunities I've squandered.
The blessings I've missed,
while living my life in total ignorance.
Not really understanding how to remain optimistic.
I abandoned my morals and ignored my religion.
But God cast a storm that influenced my decision.
Before you knew it I was at his submission.
He held me tight. Then let me go.
Then whispered to me: "Fear no more".
I got up and knew: right away,
that today was the beginning
of the rest of my days.
With renewed faith
and a sense of purpose
I was able to recover
what almost perished.
Now I stand here
Looking in the mirror
admiring my self
Reflection that is.

follow him on twitter and get all the bloglinks... (@25Champ)

Getting Back to Here

I miss writing every single day, even if it was pointless, useless info to others what I wrote on my blog was important to me even if it was silly or stupid.

None of it was ever useless to me though, because I know when it comes to writing, even if its not poetry, or I'm not getting ready for Spoken Word or Open Mic Night I'm still writing.

Thats where I need to be, and I'm finally getting back to here.

I've been contemplating opening my mind back up all year (well for the last month and a half) and due to a simple question I will now blog and journal on a daily basis.

Besides, whose to say that my writing isn't something that will one day be great. Okay, that may be a bit far fetched but you know what I'm saying.

So, I'm back to here... man there's no place like home.

*smile and exhale*

The Perfect Valentines Day

*Thinking... thinking... thinking...*

Valentines is a cute little holiday, when you're 10 and in elementary school. But at 21, it doesn't really seem all that appealing.

I've been pondering on this same thought all day and a for a few moments in the previous day.

Valentines day is not for me... I mean what was I thinking.

Don't get it twisted... I loved the gifts I've gotten. The flowers, candy, jewelry, and stuffed animals were all very sweet but...

Eventually, my flowers will doe, everyone else will eat my candy, my stuffed animal will end up in my kid sisters room and the jewelry, well it all went... away.

The one thing I've always wanted for v-day is nowhere near the holiday shopping isle in wal-mart where all the little cute v-day candies are. And it is not at the florists, or the jeweler's.

In my eyes, and in my own little world, the perfect "valentines day date and gift" would be some quality time.

It's all I've ever wanted and quite frankly... it's probably all I'll ever want because I can buy my own candy and jewelry, I make flower pens so I always have some flowers nearby, and the stuffed animals I can win at a theme park or carnival.

*Daydreaming... daydreaming... daydreaming... smile... big smile*

Argh, Ugh, and Sheesh Man!!!!

What now? I mean really is it that hard for someone to actually open up and say something other than the same 6 or 7 words?

Sometimes when we talk I feel like I may be rambling or talking to much because he says nothing. It really is starting to piss me off.

And people wonder why I'd rather not say anything to them about what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. Maybe it's because people act like they don't care.

UGH!!! I'm just so fed up with having the same conversation over and over. Me doing all the talking and him just listening.

Don't get me wrong it's nice to have someone who'll listen. I truly love and appreciate that but DANG! How about a little reciprocation.

When I feel like I'm talking to much I feel like I'm being annoying. Ugh... I needa fall back, maybe its something I'm not getting.

Shucks if the guys doesn't want me to like him any more or talk to him he needs to just tell me so I can stop making a fool of myself.

Is that so wrong, to want someone to let you in? I mean even if it's something as simple as, my class was boring this morning at least its something.

Know what? I'm sleepy, I'm frustrated, and a little stressed from whats going on... I'm going to bed.

Wait, no I'm not. I'm gonna write on my wall until I calm down so that I can go to bed with a smile on my face.

Gonna get mad at me for want you to communicate negro please... its more to communication than saying "hi."

and I hate when I see this

............................

What the hello _______ goodmorning does .............. mean?

Someone tell me please.

Suddenly, I feel better. Maybe I'll go to sleep now.

Long Time, No Write

It's been forever since I posted something... life has just been so lifey. With so much going on I haven't had a chance to write much if anything unless I'm in class. But, I do have something I want to write about and I will most definitely be back to blogging on a regular basis because so much good has been happening that I have to share it with you all.

With that little bit being said I'm out, but will def be back soon.

Good day!

I'm a Daddy's Girl

My mother has a power over me that I hate that I gave her. She has he ability to make me break down and I am tired of it.

I want that power back. Actually to be quite honest, I don't think I ever had it. From day one I have been weak and scared and timid.

But I'm tired. I have changed everything else about my life as far as people who have used and abused me mentally and physically.

I either pushed them away or put my foot down and made it clear that if it was my life they were going to be a part of they had to change or leave. And in the end, I made them leave.

So why is it so hard to do the same with my mother?

Ugh, I just, I don't know what to say. She is the underlying factor in all my pain. It all runs so much deeper than people think.

No, I'm placing all the blame on her for I am the one that gave her my power but at 21 it's time for me to take it back, even if I have to fight her for it.

She wants so much for me to be like her student-athletes, and her former interns. But I can't be them, I can't even be me.

My goofiness is something she has always disliked. I gave up sports and that ended our mother-daughter relationship.

The pictures I take are all ugly if I'm not simply smiling and sitting there with my legs crossed and my fingers laced in my lap.

Because I'd rather hang with boys than deal with girls she thinks I'm a whore. No she said other people will start to think things. But hey, the only reason you think others are thinking certain things is because you're thinking them yourself.

All this time and my mother wondered why I never came home during the school year.

She is never satisfied. Excellent grades, two jobs, no kids, no drugs, no boys running in and out my life and I'm not good enough.

I want my power back. I refuse to let her break my spirits. Always comparing me to someone, saying... "Why can't you be like Jane, she's doing this, this, this, and this."

I chose to be involved in extracurricular activities not involving sports so I could separate myself from her and it worked. But it made life with her harder.

This will be my last year living with my mother at any time in my life. I can't do it anymore. I'm my happiest away from home. So... this is the first step to me taking it back...

I been trying all this time to make her happy and I just been taking it, not being happy with myself but that's all about to change.

From now on, I'm fighting back full force. I will not stand down, and I will not falter.

So Far I'm Sticking With It

It's only been 5 days but I been sticking with my declarations. I have been writing everyday but not on here.

I started a new journal, yes a journal. I don't want to call it a diary because it holds no secrets.

I'm excited about the things getting ready to happen. I'm setting myself up for greatness and going only where the Lord leads me. I have to stop trying to do things without him. It's not healthy.

I cut my hair. Well I didn't cut it, the beautician did. one side is slightly longer than the other though. It's almost kinda cute, don't know how I feel about to yet though. It's kinda cute but is it me???

Something different I guess. Glad hair grows back though because I asked for a cut, as in take off two inches, not a short side long side cut.

haha oh well... Let me get back to relaxing. My body is so restless, can't wait until I can do some real physical activity. I might even break the docs rules lol.