My Last Dance

It's 6:50, ten minutes to showtime and what am I doing, listening to Lee Ann Womacks I Hope You Dance, calming myself from the pre-show excitement that had taken place hours before. There are a million steps racing through my head, but the one thing I'm focusing on most is the first jump... and he nine pirouettes that follow. I know that if I nail the first jump, the rest of the night will go smoothly. It's now 6:55 and I've turned off the ipod and am now standing with the rest of the company praying for a good show. Good luck wishes all around, places everyone... curtain call, qucik intro by Mrs. K and... SHOWTIME!

Hands, feet, hips baby hips (just for you bas!) and tip up... almost at the edge, jump and arms... nice... pirouettes, nice. I rocked that baby. The show was absolutely amazing. There is nothing better than being able to transform from one character to the next. Telling a story body language and facial expressions. It's like acting except the energy is 100x higher and adrenaline rushes through you 1000x faster. Every set was better than the first. But my favorites were... Chicago, Center Stage, and True Love (shout out to jeremy the best doubles partner I have ever had luv ya babes)!! but like all good things the show came to an end.

At the end of the show the company took me to my limits and actually made me cry a little bit. The tribute they put together for Bas, Jeremy, and I was so sweet. Pictures from 3 years ago until now brought back so many memories and made me realize just how much I am going to miss the costume changes and the extremely heavy make-up, and the tiring, make ya whole body hurt rehearsals. It was all worth and although this break I am taking is one that is much needed I am regrettig it. but who's to say when I return to the dance floor I won't be as strong as I know I can be.

Lights, curtain, music... dance!!!

Preparation

I'm getting ready to begin preparing myself for my last dance. Which means the headphones will go in and everything going on in my head will be put on pause so I can focus. But before the headphones go in I have to get some of these thoughts out on to paper, well the computer. So, here goes... I had the most interesting conversation Monday night, and it ended so abruptly it's the onlt thing I have been really thinking about. I kinda wish I wouldn't have let him down. I tend to be the one people can depend on. I do my best to make sure that I'm there when I'm supposed to be even when I don't want to be. But I let down someone really important and have no one to blame myself. I usually don't let my problems and sidelining situations keep me from being where I'm supposed to be and yet, I have and I have a lot of making up to do.

But yeah back to Monday night, I found out something that I should've known, and I guess I did know but I didn't really know how to respond to it. I messed up bi time and I wanted to make amends yesterday but I got no response to my reach out, so after a day long rehearsal I went home iced while I Wii'd and then went to bed. I kinda wish he was coming to the show tonight, I'd love for him to see me outside of my element, on a stage not on the court. I'm pushing my stressed feelings about school, ball, and life in general all aside.

Hmmm oh well, I gotta get ready to go, show's at 7, gotta be there at 5 and we have a Company meal at 2:30.

Leggings, cami, sweat pants, hoodie, flip-flops, a pair of multi-colored socks, my dance bag with all 12 fits (man there's gonna be a lot of changing tonight), suoku book and pen in bag (gotta do something before warm-ups)keys in hand, ipod and headphones in place and ipod adpater in car ready for use... i'm almost ready... fingers crossed and butterflies all in my insides, showgirl face on... now I'm ready.

Trying to Make Some Lemonade

This year is definitely ending on a terrible note. Ever since the Thanksgiving holiday things have been going down hill. I'll admit there have been some really great moments but yet and still, things haven't been as good as they could've been. I know nothing is ever perfect and to be honest perfection seems to me like it would make life boring. But still, there are some things I wish would have worked in my favor. Like school, and ball, and dance, and love.

After the whole situation with Raddy I kinda felt like all the changes I made to better myself and get to where I really wanted to be in life were worthless. It seemed like all those study groups, cram sessions, and all-nighters were completely pointless. But I know they weren't. I just feel like as far as my education is concerned I'm taking an unnecessary detour.

I'm trying to make lemonade out of these lemons and I keep telling myself that this will give me extra time to better my ball skills. My game has really been affected by everything else I've been doing this past year. School is an exception but my jobs pulled me away from much needed conditioning and individuals with Coach T. Who's disappointed that I let the vision of my future get blurry. Hmmm I'm trying, I just gotta re-focus myself.

With that, I made a very tough decision, I'm hanging up my dancing shoes after tonight. I love to dance, but I love ball more and right now I need to be focused on ball. That's not to say I'm giving up dancing for life, in fact I will most likely dance on my own time but performing will have to wait, damn Im going to miss it though. I gotta give my all tonight on stage, I'm not holding back for anything... go hard or go home.

And love... ugh let's not even go there. For the first time I screwed it up, and I have no idea how to fix it. I just, ugh I get so nervous and so anxious all at the same time. And then I screw it up. UGH!!!! I am going to try and fix it though, something about this guy keeps me guessing... and I like it. Just hope it's not to late...

As of right now my lemonade isn't all that good, but wih all the lemons I got, Ima just keep trying.

Lately

New York was amazing! I had the best time ever and I cannot wait to go back. Once I find a traveling partner I'm headed back to the big apple! After an absolutely wonderful weekend I returned to a week full of final exams. Now there's nothing wrong with taking a full load until exam time comes around then I ask myself "What the hell was I thinking taking 7 classes???" Yeah I know, I'm crazy lol.

Exam week has always been stressful for me but this week outside influences took away my focus. A friend of mine "ROC" passed away and it's eating me up. I miss her like crazy already. I'm hoping that our old crew will get together real soon because we're all hurting. But, I gotta stay strong because although I'm the baby, everyone looks to me for consoling and I have to hold it together.

On a lighter and extremely crazier note... my best guy friend told me he was in love with me last night. WHOA!!!! Hold up there runner jump back on your block! I mean really, way to knock me off my rocker. Like I can understand b/c at one point I was crushing on him too, but LOVE???? Wow! I wonder why he waited until he got to Jersey to tell me that... hmmm.

A confession of love, the passing of my homegirl, and a proposal... whoo what a week. All I need is a lil TLC and some quality time. There is nothing I want more to do right now than to chill. As much as I would like a lil "company" I have a feeling that I need to be alone.

The Secret Behind the What Questions

Philo (love) +Sophos (wisdom) = philosophy, which is defined as "a love of wisdom and a pursuit of knowledge."

I love my philosophy class, I love it because it makes me think. The questions asked of me are ones I can't answer right off the back. They are like challenges to me, problems that need to be solved but have no one solution. They are puzzles that need to be put together but there are pieces missing.

Someone once said, "philosophy breaks no bread... it inspires our soul with courage." And I believe it does. Philosophy opens our eyes and forces us to ask questions. The funny thing is, these questions are ones that people ask themselves over a lifetime.

What is good? What is true? What is beauty? What is knowledge? What is real? What is love? Whether people know it or not these questions influence life's decisions. The answers to the questions help us to develop our outlook on the world and on our personal values. They guide us like lit paths. They don't keep us from getting lost but the light they provide bring us back to where we need to be.

I wonder if I would still be the same person had I never set in on that very first philosophy class. If I would have never asked myself those questions that professor... hmmm. I think I'll return to pursuing my knowledge now.

The Holiday

Hmmm where to start...

Turkey Day was pretty good, food was good, fam was cordial for a change, friends were amazing as always and the man in my life, ugh!!! I did some house hopping and went to my fav spot down the street from the house and did a lil thinking. So the day was pretty good. But...

I got dumped!!!! Now that I'm over the whole situation it's kinda funny but seriously? He calls me and says (this is the funny part----->) "baby, you know i love you right" (lol sounds like b.s. already) "but i don't think this is gonna work, i just, i just don't deserve a good woman like you." Now really... who says stuff like that in real life? He coulda just told me the truth... that he had a side "jant." I woulda still been mad, but it woulda been the truth! ugh!!!

Anyways other than that my holiday weekend was great, I went to a few bball games and even got my wig done... major thanx to the ladies at miriams african hair braiding in colonial heights who did my 12-hour hair style in less than 8 hours! y'all are the bestest!!! went to the movies and saw the blind side and it was soooooo good... sandra bullock did execellent!

hmmm what else... oh yeah the cowboys are still number 1 in the nfc east and the longhorns pulled out a great win over the aggies so my weekend wasn't all that bad...

My friends kept me laughing all weekend long and for that I am thankful :)

More Than a Ball Player

For the last 16 years I've been in love with the game of basketball, and all I ever wanted to be was a professional ball player. That is up until my junior year in high school when I realized I wanted to teach. But even then I still had a passion for the game and I told myself I would never let it go. And I haven't, but lately it seems like all I hear from people is "Courtney's the next WNBA Superstar!" And as much as I would love to be that "superstar" I'm more than a ball player. I do so much off the court and yet it seems as if all people can seem to talk about is the (conceited moment coming... now->) gorgeous jump shot I have or the air-tight defense that made me defensive player of the year every year I ever played travel and high school ball. And although I love playing ball and my passion for it has grown over the years, I'm ready for people to see me as more than Courtney the ball player and see me as Courtney the person. For I've done and will do greater things off the court than I have on the court.

Good Conversation

A truly good conversation is one that you remember word for word days after the conversation has ended. In fact, it's so good that when you're reminiscing about the conversation you feel the same emotions you felt at those very moments. You'll still smile on the inside and the outside. You'll still remember the facial expressions the other person made, and you'll still laugh out loud even when you're in a room by yourself... hmmm now thats food for the soul, good conversation. I need to get me some of that.

Just a Thought

Does anyone really know what they want? Seriously, think about it... people always say they want this, this, and that. They want perfect friends, the perfect man/woman, and the life they dreamed of as a kid.

But who really knows what they want... but not only that, could people actually handle getting what they want. For example, people who say they want to win the lottery and actually do don't seem to use the money the way they said they would. They blow it!

It's funny because this is how people treat life. They find friends who they ask for nothing more than to be honest with them at all times and then when they do just that, people blow the friendship by getting upset. Can't handle it!

Or what about when people are in love... or like lol and they want a significant other that will be good to them but they blow it by living in the past or making the new person pay for what the old one did. Can't handle it still.

With that being said... who really knows what they want, and if they got what they wanted could they even handle it? I'll admit, I don't know if I could truly handle getting what I want because I haven't gotten it yet. But I can be 100% sure that I know what I want because like many I've gotten enough of what I didn't want to know.

sitting here at the round table

so, today is the day that a group of my friends and i are having one of our "round table discussions." (and yes we are actually sitting at a round table) lol. but in all seriousness, we have these discussions twice a week and the topic of choice is always changing, but today one of the guys was trippin off this girl he's been talkin' too lately, about how she complained about all the guys that did her wrong and how she'd been waiting for a good man to come along and treat her right.

so with that... we ladies here at the round table began to inform them of what a good man is and exactly what we want from him. however the guy's think we're asking for too much so i'm gonna pause for a minute, state my claim to them and state it here

..............................................................................pause..................................................................................

okay... now i'll admit it i did just tell them what i was expecting may be a bit much at this point in my life but um, i know what i want, it's just a matter of finding it.

a good man in the opinions of the ladies and i here at the round table is respectable, honest, accepting of who i am as a person, understanding, caring, open about how he feels, funny, smart, true to himself, and willing. i want someone who i'll be able to have good conversation with, serious and pointless. random conversation, conversation in which the stress seems to be released. someone who'll ask how my day was, and actually listen... someone who'l let me in without reluctance when they need someone to be there for them. is that so much to ask? it's not like we're asking for the house on the hill, the yacht, the bentley, and the biggest diamond in the jewlery store. in fact, none of that materialistic stuff matters. what's the point of having a huge house if the people who live in it dont want to be a family.

hmmm maybe there's a reason as to why people end up with the people they "think" they want. because when it comes to relationships, who really knows what they want? i wonder if i'm sure in what i want? but thats another blog huh? guess i'm on to the next.

yeah, i'm feelin like... that

have you ever had feelings for someone but then kind of regretted it after the fact? well not regretted it because thats how you felt but kinda felt like you may have made a friendship awkward... well thats how i felt. my friends told me that i might have been coming on too strong and i felt like they were right so instead of fallin' back, i stepped away and yet... im feelin' like i shouldn't have... so yeah, i'm feelin like that.

whats crazy is though after i expressed my feelings i was expecting for everything to just fall into place and it didn't... i mean, i dont know. but yeah things didn't seem like they were working in my favor so i kinda set my feelings aside and settled. now don't get me wrong, the relationship i'm in now is okay but, UGH! in the back my mind i'm still carrying those feelings for my friend. so yeah, i'm feeling like that.

i mean my boo is a good dude, don't get me wrong but he's not everything i want in a man, something is missing. so you can understand why i feel like i settled can't you... or maybe you can't. i don't know why i stopped tryin to "talk" to my friend knowing that he pretty much had it going on inside and out and i just effed it up, so yeah im feeling like that.

but hey, who's to say things won't change and i'll get my head on straight in enough time to gain that trust and affection that i want... so yeah, i'm feeling like this.

what's my name???

miss extraordinary, coconut, big-point, big head, ... all of these names and yet not one of them describes me in full... maybe thats why i have so many. or maybe its because not everyone who knows me, knows me. i mean, im real at all times but not all of me is on display at all times.

i can only be my true self, the good, the bad, and at times the ugly around a few people, the people who i trust whole-heartedly. who i know won't change their opinions, judge me, or shun me because of the decisions i've made and will make right, wrong, or stupid.

i guess miss extraordinary describes me in full but the name makes me think of a superhero. and that makes me wonder, could i be a superhero???? i mean, superheroes are strong in every sense of the word and i'm not... ugh!!!

oh well, i guess when it comes down to the right nickname for me the right person will bless me with it. whoever that is.

Ummmm

So.... hmmm I'm not quite sure where to start. I never really considered having a blog to be completely honest but after a suggestion from a friend and a few supporting statements from others here I am, or here my thoughts are. Since this is the first blog I guess I'll keep it simple.

Ummmm well, today was pretty chill so far I guess...

Well, I do have some things to do so I will definitely sign back in after work so that I can begin to "open my mind."