Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Got Passion?

The court. My heart resides there. Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard, push myself to push for it so much. At times I question my ability, wonder if my skill set is where it needs to be.

I do know this though, as hard as I try, and as much as I give, I deserve all the good that will come out of the hard work and effort I put in.

I know if I do what is required of me, I will be unstoppable.

Gotta love the game of basketball.

Sometimes I wonder if those who tell me basketball is just game are passionate about anything, if they have lives. I believe that anyone who is not passionate about something is doomed to hit a dead-end in life.

What is your purpose for living when you have nothing to live for? Why wake up everyday mad because what you do is not something you're passionate about?

To try and push someone away from their passion is like the same thing as killing them. If anyone ever told me that I couldn't play basketball ever again, I would die, emotionally. See the thing most people are passionate about isn't just a hobby.

It is life.

An artist's studio, a teacher's classroom or study, a dancer's hall, a racer's car, a mother/father's home, a preacher's church... they are where life happens, where the adrenaline rush is so great it inspires others to want to be great.

In here, nothing else matters, the outside world is but a dream.

My heart resides in the gym, where does yours reside?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Your Face Is Funny

So, I'm in the middle of a conversation but a thought just occurred to me. What is something absolutely ridiculous to do?

What is the one thing that will make people think you're weird, special, and telling the truth all at one time.

I sit in an office facing a window. And outside, there are people, tons of them. Everyday, walking by just living their lives.

Watch them.

They do some quite funny things. Some sing, badly, others talk to themselves, no there was no blue tooth, and some just... are different.
Take for instance this guy I saw a few days ago. He tripped and fell... but the funniest part was the way he began to look around to see if anyone saw him. HILARIOUS!

My favorite thing about people are their expressions. Who cares what just happened really. What kind of face is the person making as it is happening.

Take America's funniest home videos for example. People are capturing some extremely funny moments. But it is the facial expressions that win me over.

I Should Be Worried

But I'm not. A little scared, but that's normal. My response to this news was typical... a few tears and a phone call to my mom.

I had the hardest time telling my bestfriends, I guess because I'm in denial. I kind of knew, like you know how sometimes you can just tell, well unfortunately this was this kind of moment.

And although this is another sign that I should probably take it easy, I'm ignoring it. All I can think about is how this is going to slow me down. But I won't let it. I can't afford to. I'll still be working out and running.

This isn't major but it is major. So many people beat it why should I be any different. I am blesses enough to not stress about it. I'm already focused on when I'll be able to get on the court.

Gotta do this asap. Don't think things will change though...

...still going to work and still taking my vaca to the beach. And, I really have no time to worry about this because I have family and friends who need so, I gotta be there for them. Especially my family back home.

We seem to be losing a great deal of people we love. Cousins, uncles, aunts, family friends. But we'll get through it. We are some strong people, and we never ever, stay down for to long.

I can't wait to get home so that we can all be together. There is nothing like sitting outside at night watching the old men play dominoes and the women drink that evil juice lol.

Well, I gotta run. But I'm in one of my moods so I wil def be blogging all day long.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I been prolonging the inevitable. I've been holding in this cry for 2 whole days now, and frankly I'm about to let it all out.


I feel like having to choose between two sports was bad enough, but damn, to hear we're just gonna take your volleyball scholarship away so you can focus on basketball was like telling me I couldn't handle it.

Because that's how I feel. Like everyone thinks I can't handle playing both sports. How the hell do they expect me to function in the Fall? Oh yeah, that's right...

Track. WTF!!!! I have nothing against track but my heart isn't all into it. It's just a hobby really. But, I guess I gotta get the money from somewhere.

This is a feeling I really can't shake. It's like being told that I suck. That I'm incapable of performing the task at hand.

Can't let this phase me for to long, still got a job to do. Gotta be mad now but over it right after now.

Currently Screaming.

This may not seem like a big deal too anyone else, but for, this is life. I live to play. Well, After the important people in my life... I live to play.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I'm not tired today, just a lil beat from this heat. Haha I rhymed, did ya catch that? Where was I? Oh yeah, beat heat... running the hills in the hot sun makes me feel as if by August I'll be as black as a July crow (i know, that's real country).

I've been in an extremely relaxed mood since Sunday morning, I do believe church has something to do with that, but, church always calms me. I've also been quite giggly. Laughing at the dumbest things, and the almost funny but not quite funny things too.

Today at work the guys came and chilled with us after lunch and we had the most random conversation, about sex. Of course, I had quite a bit that I wanted to share but, I couldn't.

Yeah, I made my little comments every now and then but I said nothing incriminating. It was kind of disgusting to hear about some of things they had all done. And how many people they had done them with.

It made me frown at myself just a little, I mean compared to them, I'm the Virgin Mary, but still... WWWWWOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW.

This makes me feel so much better about my ability to not do the do. It even suppressed that little craving I woke up with.

Smh, but there is one girl who claims to be a virgin in our little group. The guys said she's a virgin in the *points down at the va-j-j* area but her mouth is well on its way to being given the Nobel peace prize (whatever that means lol).

All I could do is laugh... still laughing... ok I'm done. We all shared some random thoughts, ideas, and stuff that was just TMI for me lol.

But work was mad chill today and now, I'm going home to cook, watch Hawthorne, and pass out from the heat.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Simply Tired

This morning I woke up at 5 so that I could be dressed and on campus by 6 for my morning workout. That's right, my morning workout. My beloved 5 p.m. workouts are well.. I'll get to that.

This morning I did my lifting and footwork drills. That wasn't bad. The weight room was nice and cool and the sun hadn't begun to burn me yet. After workouts I took the greatest shower ever (new shower heads in the coaches locker room, nice) and went to work.

From 8-5 I worked my butt off and was ready to get picked up (car is dead) and go home, forgetting that I had my running workout and line dance class to tend to. It is now 7:15 and I am worn out.

I'm about to take a long hot bath, climb into my because I am not cooking tonight and read until I fall asleep. I am simply to tired to do anything... even this blog is about to come to an abrupt end.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I Didn't Settle

I was walking to the office Friday from the cafe and I realized something about V. State that I hadn't before. That as much as I hated it here, it wasn't half bad. It isn't half bad.

I don't know why I dreaded being a student here so much when this is the very place that I grew up. I guess it is because most people go to college in search of new places to start over. To re-create themselves.

They want to get away. I'm not gonna lie, I wanted to get away too. I had huge dreams. And not to place the blame elsewhere but, after getting hurt, going D1 seemed impossible. But, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

I had so many plans that I had forgotten if He doesn't want it for me, it's not going to happen. That statement is so true.

Anyway, I ended up here and to be honest, it is the best place for me. The people here, they spoil me. Not in a, whatever you want way either. They spoil me with knowledge and love. It is on this campus that I have learned some of the most important lessons I could ever learn.

It is where I found love, in that gymnasium. Where I fell deeper in love with the game. Being able to spend hours in the gym because my mom had practice or an office full of student-athletes meant that I was in the gym everyday.

This is where I learned wrong from right. How to be responsible, how to be a young lady. What not to do, and what to always do. Here I gained hundreds of big sisters and brothers. Saw my first step show, experienced an HBCU homecoming.

This is where I first noticed how good of a thing change really is. This campus, for me, holds memories that I never want to forget, and some I hate having to remember.

I understand that being here is not a result of me settling, it is a result of me being placed here. This is where I need to be, all the great things I am to, I will do here.

It is with open arms that I accept this task before me, and with a strong will and open mind I am jumping in with no reservations.

Extremely Random Confessions and Questions Pt. 2

I would rather be barefoot than wear shoes.

The most comfortable place to take a nap is somewhere you wouldn't normally, like in an armchair.

I don't give head, and I could careless if niggas don't like it.

The one things that still turns me on is the possibility of getting caught... smh

I went to anger management and did nothing but got angrier until I finished the class. hmmmm

I really cry when an extremely good relationship or friendship might be coming to an end.

I mean what I say and say what I mean.

It use to be that I couldn't handle fat jokes until I was comfortable with myself

I'm thinking about starting a third blog and putting my diary entries in it verbatim (Dis. Act)

I tried that once but I was worried about what people would think

When people say it's all good is it really all good?

I am so self-conscious about myself in the bedroom

I laugh when I'm uncomfortable & when people are fussing at me, idk why though

I hate because I don't have a relationship with my parents like some do... a good one

I would truly give a man my heart, if I knew it would be worth it.

Been hurt to many times to jump into anything

I am guilty of ruining possible relationships b/c I'm scared of them...

Well the possibly getting hurt part

My family is big because of infidelities.

Okay, getting a lil to emotional lol, ummm something

I smile at the oddest things when I'm around you, or talking to you

I fell off the bus my junior year in high school LOL

I have very little upper body strength, but my right hook is crazy

I walk into the same glass door at least once a week b/c I'm always rushing

I'm addicted to freeze pops

Extremely Random Confessions and Questions

Okay, so lately my mind has been quite full of things that, well just keep replaying in my head. But, I gotta clear my mind b/c well, things are starting to fall apart again. I don't know what triggered this recent civil war within my household if I'm going to be dealing with it then I gotta be able to keep a cool head otherwise I'll be disappearing again.

So here goes:

Why do people hold what their old bf/gf did against the new or possible ones?

What is so great about Donald Trump's nappy hair(piece)? lol

Why does Omarosa have a show on TV One? so pointless

If rules are meant to be broken then what is the point of rules being set?

I'm not the type to hold a grudge but I never forget.

I'm not as sex crazed as I use to be. Shocking right?

Looking back, I often wonder what I was thinking when I approached certain people.

Why is it so hard to start a relationship but so easy to end one?

When it rains, it really does pour.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make us even.

I dated the football coach of the school which I am currently attending. smh @ myself

I hate it when I have no control over a situation I once had control over.

I've been in some serious like with the same person since I was a kid. Is that weird?

I'm afraid to smoke weed b/c I think I'll be the one to die after the first hit. Funny but true

I drink like a fish, but can't stand to be around sloppy drunks.

I had sex in the office a few times... yeah I really had a problem

I currently have a knot in my chest the size of a quarter that hurts like hell-o.

Sometimes I wanna drop out of school

I stole a former friends boyfriend unintentionally, then gave him back #triflin

okay, I got some more to say but this is getting to long so on to part 2

Friday, June 18, 2010

Like Riding A Bike?

A few months ago, I began a fast that started out as nothing more than a small challenge among me and some friends. But that all changed as one by one they dropped off. I, the "nymphomaniac" as they say, held on.

While things were, difficult at first. They were just fine. I did have some major moments of weakness and was so willing to throw in the towel I didn't. And I was quite proud.

I got so used to the idea of not having sex that it became a thought that rarely crossed my mind. But, I still have my cravings. This however, became more than just a test of wills.

This became, normal. Not having sex 4 or 5 times a week was no longer hard, being single helped that situation a great deal. It was easy, like second nature. It wasn't the only thing I was thinking about. And even though I am at this very moment going through one of my craving stages, I'm still okay.

I'm not really pressed at all just a little weak at times. But, there is this fear I have developed since I haven't been getting my bread buttered as meka says. Will my "skill" still remain the same. I kind of feel as if my body has forgotten how to move.

I'm sure it hasn't, but being dormant does raise a little feeling of fear. Maybe the girls are right, it's just like riding a bike. Once you climb back on top you'll know exactly what to do. Your body will be in control just like it used to be.

I'm hoping so, because when that time does come... oh boy. But, with me making all these changes to not back track will I be backpedaling into a part of the old me. I don't wanna be "addicted" again, not like I use to be. That's where I feel I went wrong in my relationships and, non-relationships.

I just, gotta be in control of it. (Like ya anger my friend says) lol.

I will admit though, my lips still quiver at the thought of deep kisses and strong hands gripping my hips... ooh lemme no dip into this other blog I'm working on.

(yeah i'm writing two at once)

We Are Not Hopeless

There was a debate that happened within my classroom that has had me thinking since it ended and that was Thursday afternoon.

Our informal discussion was based on whether we felt as if Black America was slowly falling back down into a "deep depression" as my prof. called it, or were we still rising up and proving that we are a people of great pride and courage.

In my opinion, I feel like even though there are a few who are still trying to drag us into the ground we are going to okay. Even greater than we are now. We have so much potential as a people that it gives me a rush.

My prof. feels as if we may be a bit hopeless. But I know she's wrong. I refuse to believe that we are hopeless, as long as we continue to educate ourselves and others about who we are then we'll be okay.

Which leads me into this...

We discussed whether or not we fell African American lit. will continue to be a protest literature.

Ummm yeah!

If African American authors and ghost writers continue to tell the stories of our history then the protests will ring out like alarms.

We are what this country is built on. This is our land so to speak. Without us half of the things people use everyday would be nonexistent.

The things our ancestors suffered through they went through not knowing what was to come. They struggled in hopes of having nothing but hope.

That should be enough to inspire the masses. But, my prof. doesn't think so. She feels as if we are a hopeless people. That even though many are striving for better, they'll never make it.

But she is wrong, and I plan to prove it to her. I just wish she would open her eyes and see what a lot of people see.

That we are a VITAL part of history and our story should be told until the end of time.

Tough For Me

So, this entire week has been, blah!!! I'm so glad it's over, I just wanna sit up in my room and breath forreal. It's like life suffocated me this week.

Anyway, I have been faced with most would deem as a very small and minor decision. For me, however, it is one of the toughest decisions I will ever have to make in my college career.

My passion, what I live for, what I bust my butt in the gym for, has been compromised. I was to be playing volleyball, basketball & softball. While dabbling in bowling during the spring and track during the fall.

Today, my volleyball and basketball coaches told me that I would have to give up a sport. SO without question I dropped bowling. They said, that wasn't what they meant. According to them, I would not survive playing the volleyball and basketball.

The seasons overlap, while volleyball is still in season, basketball pre-season begins. So, I gotta choose between the two. And I don't want to. I would drop every other sport and even a job just so I could play both. But that won't cut it.

People keep telling me I'm in over my head, but I know my limits and I know that I'm not. It's like the world is trying to hold me back. Ugh! I just wanna play the sports I wanna play and live my life.

This decision is one that will require me to do some heavy thinking... ah boy, here goes...

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I went to my line dancing class yesterday evening reluctantly after my normal workout and was glad I went.

My teacher Dr. Brown, who has known me since I was about 8 or 9 always manages to keep us laughin'. So, I was glad I went.

The highlight of class yesterday though was our 6th dance, which I learned when I was in NYSP. As soon as the song came on I knew exactly what dance we were about to do. Hilarious, surprised I remembered it.

Anyway, line dancing calmed my nerves and put me in a state of chill. Which was good because yesterday I was still upset when I woke and my temper showed. My homegirl told me I scared her when I flipped on her for no reason.

And, well, I lost total control of my temper in class during my presentation. It's been a while since I let my temper take control and I really didn't like it. Whoo, I gotta stop letting it get the best of me.

Ah well, I'm okay today. Just sad, because I do believe, I will never get what I want. That's another story though... one I had hoped I'd never have to tell.

Monday, June 14, 2010


I skipped my workout this morning, I just don't really feel like doing anything today, but I have to go to work so I will do that.

I'm a great deal calmer now than I was a few hours ago, but I'm still upset. I kinda feel like I got side-swiped. The entire argument came out of nowhere, well I know where it came from just...

I'm confused, I just don't get it. Should I feel wrong for doing what I did? Because I don't... the thing is though, there are actually quite a few people who are still upset with me for what I did months ago.

The same people who told me that eventually I was gonna have to care about myself. So, I went and took care of me. Should I have told people, maybe, but all I can see is people saying...

But why Courtney? Why do you have to shun yourself from the rest of the world. And in all actuality it had to be done that way so as to avoid influence I guess.

Because when I finally told people, they wanted for me to call and check in so as to load my mind down with their problems. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being there for people, but to do what I did I needed a clear head.

I've always put others before me, because, it's a great feeling to know someone actually cares, and so I try to be that for people in my life.

I'm scared of letting people care about me because they all up and do the same thing, leave, with no return and regard to how I feel. But of course, no one understands that... its all malarchy to them.

They feel I did the same thing, left them with no regard to their feelings, however, I had every intention of coming back into their lives and being the best friend that I could be. So as to give them, well one of them in particular, all of me.

All they are worried about though is how they felt when I left. Not knowing that, I was on the verge of a breakdown, that doesn't matter. I still should have said...

"Guys, I'm about to have a nervous breakdown, so I'm gonna go kick it by myself for a while, until I can get myself together."

^That makes sense.^

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Right now at this very moment I am... hell I don't really know. I had every intention about blogging the days events but ummm right now I could careless.

This entire night has been extremely weird. I hate this feeling, I guess because I know I'm at fault but damn... ugh this sucks.

It's funny how when you spend time focusing on yourself to make yourself better you kind of leave behind everyone and everything only to come back and realize it all dropped you without a second thought.

I guess this is where I'm supposed to be, right here, alone, thinking, still, about absolutely nothing. Well, not nothing but nothing all the same. Okay, I'm about to do so serious venting so excuse the language.

What the fuck does this world want from me? It's like I just can't get shit to be all right. I'm not where I need to be, stable and standing on my own to feet so I take some time and work on me. Because that's the world wants, for me to be stable.

Then the world is mad, Courtney where the hell you been is all I hear from EVERYONE. Now I've finally got it all together, what the world was expecting from me I achieved it. I got it together and damn... just like always it was for nothing. The whole world is complaining.

At this very moment, right now, all I can say is the whole world can kiss my ass! Because right now I don't give a fuck. Maybe I will in the morning.


On second thought, I'm not at fault, I did what I been wanting to do for the last 4 1/2 years and thats work on me. I'm the only one concerned about me so I made me a priority like people around me said I should, now they're all mad.

Ah well, I'm happy with who I've become, the people who care the most understand, and haven't judged me for it... but damn to those who have


I need something to reassure me that even though I'm good, things are still getting better.

My life is finally coming together and I'm glad about it. Although it's taking a great deal of time, my family is healing, each of them in their own way. Slowly but surely they are coming along.

But my sister is being stubborn in her ways and it's beginning to annoy me. But, she's my sister and I gotta be there for her, I just wish she'd stop being so dang hard-headed. But, who I am to be mad about someones level of stubbornness when I can be quite stubborn myself.

My sisters are all going through there own situations, and yes I'm still making sure that I am there for them no matter what, but I've learned that I gotta let them be there for me as well. And they have, and I appreciate it so much.

I'm working, I'm reaching my goals, and getting closer to my dreams everyday. But something is still missing. God's got my back, I have my family, my friends, my sisters, and of course all of my extended family.

But something is still missing. Well someone rather... I love being able to call my brother, and my family in Texas, and my sisters but... every now and then I'd like to be able to call a him.

But, him is another blog.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Summer School Blues

At this very moment I am sitting in the library on the verge of tears. Why you ask? Because I am still working on this dreadful term paper that I can't seem to write.

If this is writer's block then ugh, I know why authors have to get away to write so much. I know I can do this but something is holding me back.

I just can't seem to get this right. It's driving me up the library walls. Oh well, back to it then... not doing anything until I get this paper finished.

#shoutout to the librarian in here who is letting me stay until 7 even though they closed @ 5, he's the greatest. And he's working on his own paper too lol.

Friday, June 11, 2010

You Look Happy

Today I went to my Alma mater, 'The Bland' as my little brother George calls it. To pick up a couple of books that I need for my African American Lit. paper (uuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhh).

Sorry, I had to release that.

Any who, my school didn't have the books I needed so I ended up calling in a favor from the librarians at 'The Bland' and they were happy to help.

Being there brought back some memories, good and bad, but I appreciate all of those memories. With them came learning experiences as well as friendships that will never end.

Everyone that I saw today said the same thing... "You look so happy." Them saying that actually made me think about it.

I am happy, I finally got it together. I keep saying that but it's such a good feeling to be, truly happy. It's one that I haven't felt in a long time and I am cherishing every moment of it.

So I got my life together, I'm happy. All I need now is... nope, not gonna push it, can't rush it... but like India and Alicia I'm ready.

Monday, June 7, 2010


He stalks me because he loves me. -My big sis-

Whenever I hold a conversation with my lil big sis there is never a dull moment. From our serious convos to special ones there is never a dull moment.

You couldn't buy this stuff on tv. Unscripted and unrehearsed lol. Which is why I am so excited about out Wonderbread Moments.

I wonder if the world could really handle us being our real selves. Telling' it like it 'tis and things of that nature. Hmph... who cares if y'all can handle it, we're still gonna do it nanny nanny boo boo.

SMH, this is gonna be too funny.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Be Ambitious, But Content

I've always tried to rush things. This generally happens when I'm going through something that I feel I can't handle.

But after a great deal of real fasting and prayer I realized that I have to wait on it. If I do everything in my power to put myself in the right position, then the right things will start happening.

I waited, and waited. I worked my butt off, but stayed in my place. And now, I am getting there, I'm here.

I feel so blessed to have made it this far. Now that things are happening for me I can truly say I am where I need to be in life...

So here I stand, on my own two feet, head high and mind opened, ready to take it all in.

So ambitious, yet so content.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


I'm going natural.

I've been thinking about for a few years now but I always crawl back to the creamy crack that straightens my hair, because my hair "needs" it. But, no more chemical endangerment.

I want to make a change and this is the time to do it. When I won't need a relaxer because there will be no point. Swimming and basketball take a toll on my hair as is so why not take myself off the crack cold turkey?

I'm kinda excited because this will be a completely different thing for me. It's gonna be my journey from chemically dependent hair to... my hair. The way it was before I entered middle school.

I use to be so hell-bent on keeping my hair fried, dyed, and laid to the side that I ended up doing my hair harm. So no longer will I "fear the fro" I'm just going to let my hair do it's things.