Sunday, January 9, 2011

I'm a Daddy's Girl

My mother has a power over me that I hate that I gave her. She has he ability to make me break down and I am tired of it.

I want that power back. Actually to be quite honest, I don't think I ever had it. From day one I have been weak and scared and timid.

But I'm tired. I have changed everything else about my life as far as people who have used and abused me mentally and physically.

I either pushed them away or put my foot down and made it clear that if it was my life they were going to be a part of they had to change or leave. And in the end, I made them leave.

So why is it so hard to do the same with my mother?

Ugh, I just, I don't know what to say. She is the underlying factor in all my pain. It all runs so much deeper than people think.

No, I'm placing all the blame on her for I am the one that gave her my power but at 21 it's time for me to take it back, even if I have to fight her for it.

She wants so much for me to be like her student-athletes, and her former interns. But I can't be them, I can't even be me.

My goofiness is something she has always disliked. I gave up sports and that ended our mother-daughter relationship.

The pictures I take are all ugly if I'm not simply smiling and sitting there with my legs crossed and my fingers laced in my lap.

Because I'd rather hang with boys than deal with girls she thinks I'm a whore. No she said other people will start to think things. But hey, the only reason you think others are thinking certain things is because you're thinking them yourself.

All this time and my mother wondered why I never came home during the school year.

She is never satisfied. Excellent grades, two jobs, no kids, no drugs, no boys running in and out my life and I'm not good enough.

I want my power back. I refuse to let her break my spirits. Always comparing me to someone, saying... "Why can't you be like Jane, she's doing this, this, this, and this."

I chose to be involved in extracurricular activities not involving sports so I could separate myself from her and it worked. But it made life with her harder.

This will be my last year living with my mother at any time in my life. I can't do it anymore. I'm my happiest away from home. So... this is the first step to me taking it back...

I been trying all this time to make her happy and I just been taking it, not being happy with myself but that's all about to change.

From now on, I'm fighting back full force. I will not stand down, and I will not falter.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

So Far I'm Sticking With It

It's only been 5 days but I been sticking with my declarations. I have been writing everyday but not on here.

I started a new journal, yes a journal. I don't want to call it a diary because it holds no secrets.

I'm excited about the things getting ready to happen. I'm setting myself up for greatness and going only where the Lord leads me. I have to stop trying to do things without him. It's not healthy.

I cut my hair. Well I didn't cut it, the beautician did. one side is slightly longer than the other though. It's almost kinda cute, don't know how I feel about to yet though. It's kinda cute but is it me???

Something different I guess. Glad hair grows back though because I asked for a cut, as in take off two inches, not a short side long side cut.

haha oh well... Let me get back to relaxing. My body is so restless, can't wait until I can do some real physical activity. I might even break the docs rules lol.