Thursday, December 31, 2009

My Last Dance

It's 6:50, ten minutes to showtime and what am I doing, listening to Lee Ann Womacks I Hope You Dance, calming myself from the pre-show excitement that had taken place hours before. There are a million steps racing through my head, but the one thing I'm focusing on most is the first jump... and he nine pirouettes that follow. I know that if I nail the first jump, the rest of the night will go smoothly. It's now 6:55 and I've turned off the ipod and am now standing with the rest of the company praying for a good show. Good luck wishes all around, places everyone... curtain call, qucik intro by Mrs. K and... SHOWTIME!

Hands, feet, hips baby hips (just for you bas!) and tip up... almost at the edge, jump and arms... nice... pirouettes, nice. I rocked that baby. The show was absolutely amazing. There is nothing better than being able to transform from one character to the next. Telling a story body language and facial expressions. It's like acting except the energy is 100x higher and adrenaline rushes through you 1000x faster. Every set was better than the first. But my favorites were... Chicago, Center Stage, and True Love (shout out to jeremy the best doubles partner I have ever had luv ya babes)!! but like all good things the show came to an end.

At the end of the show the company took me to my limits and actually made me cry a little bit. The tribute they put together for Bas, Jeremy, and I was so sweet. Pictures from 3 years ago until now brought back so many memories and made me realize just how much I am going to miss the costume changes and the extremely heavy make-up, and the tiring, make ya whole body hurt rehearsals. It was all worth and although this break I am taking is one that is much needed I am regrettig it. but who's to say when I return to the dance floor I won't be as strong as I know I can be.

Lights, curtain, music... dance!!!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I'm getting ready to begin preparing myself for my last dance. Which means the headphones will go in and everything going on in my head will be put on pause so I can focus. But before the headphones go in I have to get some of these thoughts out on to paper, well the computer. So, here goes... I had the most interesting conversation Monday night, and it ended so abruptly it's the onlt thing I have been really thinking about. I kinda wish I wouldn't have let him down. I tend to be the one people can depend on. I do my best to make sure that I'm there when I'm supposed to be even when I don't want to be. But I let down someone really important and have no one to blame myself. I usually don't let my problems and sidelining situations keep me from being where I'm supposed to be and yet, I have and I have a lot of making up to do.

But yeah back to Monday night, I found out something that I should've known, and I guess I did know but I didn't really know how to respond to it. I messed up bi time and I wanted to make amends yesterday but I got no response to my reach out, so after a day long rehearsal I went home iced while I Wii'd and then went to bed. I kinda wish he was coming to the show tonight, I'd love for him to see me outside of my element, on a stage not on the court. I'm pushing my stressed feelings about school, ball, and life in general all aside.

Hmmm oh well, I gotta get ready to go, show's at 7, gotta be there at 5 and we have a Company meal at 2:30.

Leggings, cami, sweat pants, hoodie, flip-flops, a pair of multi-colored socks, my dance bag with all 12 fits (man there's gonna be a lot of changing tonight), suoku book and pen in bag (gotta do something before warm-ups)keys in hand, ipod and headphones in place and ipod adpater in car ready for use... i'm almost ready... fingers crossed and butterflies all in my insides, showgirl face on... now I'm ready.

Trying to Make Some Lemonade

This year is definitely ending on a terrible note. Ever since the Thanksgiving holiday things have been going down hill. I'll admit there have been some really great moments but yet and still, things haven't been as good as they could've been. I know nothing is ever perfect and to be honest perfection seems to me like it would make life boring. But still, there are some things I wish would have worked in my favor. Like school, and ball, and dance, and love.

After the whole situation with Raddy I kinda felt like all the changes I made to better myself and get to where I really wanted to be in life were worthless. It seemed like all those study groups, cram sessions, and all-nighters were completely pointless. But I know they weren't. I just feel like as far as my education is concerned I'm taking an unnecessary detour.

I'm trying to make lemonade out of these lemons and I keep telling myself that this will give me extra time to better my ball skills. My game has really been affected by everything else I've been doing this past year. School is an exception but my jobs pulled me away from much needed conditioning and individuals with Coach T. Who's disappointed that I let the vision of my future get blurry. Hmmm I'm trying, I just gotta re-focus myself.

With that, I made a very tough decision, I'm hanging up my dancing shoes after tonight. I love to dance, but I love ball more and right now I need to be focused on ball. That's not to say I'm giving up dancing for life, in fact I will most likely dance on my own time but performing will have to wait, damn Im going to miss it though. I gotta give my all tonight on stage, I'm not holding back for anything... go hard or go home.

And love... ugh let's not even go there. For the first time I screwed it up, and I have no idea how to fix it. I just, ugh I get so nervous and so anxious all at the same time. And then I screw it up. UGH!!!! I am going to try and fix it though, something about this guy keeps me guessing... and I like it. Just hope it's not to late...

As of right now my lemonade isn't all that good, but wih all the lemons I got, Ima just keep trying.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


New York was amazing! I had the best time ever and I cannot wait to go back. Once I find a traveling partner I'm headed back to the big apple! After an absolutely wonderful weekend I returned to a week full of final exams. Now there's nothing wrong with taking a full load until exam time comes around then I ask myself "What the hell was I thinking taking 7 classes???" Yeah I know, I'm crazy lol.

Exam week has always been stressful for me but this week outside influences took away my focus. A friend of mine "ROC" passed away and it's eating me up. I miss her like crazy already. I'm hoping that our old crew will get together real soon because we're all hurting. But, I gotta stay strong because although I'm the baby, everyone looks to me for consoling and I have to hold it together.

On a lighter and extremely crazier note... my best guy friend told me he was in love with me last night. WHOA!!!! Hold up there runner jump back on your block! I mean really, way to knock me off my rocker. Like I can understand b/c at one point I was crushing on him too, but LOVE???? Wow! I wonder why he waited until he got to Jersey to tell me that... hmmm.

A confession of love, the passing of my homegirl, and a proposal... whoo what a week. All I need is a lil TLC and some quality time. There is nothing I want more to do right now than to chill. As much as I would like a lil "company" I have a feeling that I need to be alone.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Secret Behind the What Questions

Philo (love) +Sophos (wisdom) = philosophy, which is defined as "a love of wisdom and a pursuit of knowledge."

I love my philosophy class, I love it because it makes me think. The questions asked of me are ones I can't answer right off the back. They are like challenges to me, problems that need to be solved but have no one solution. They are puzzles that need to be put together but there are pieces missing.

Someone once said, "philosophy breaks no bread... it inspires our soul with courage." And I believe it does. Philosophy opens our eyes and forces us to ask questions. The funny thing is, these questions are ones that people ask themselves over a lifetime.

What is good? What is true? What is beauty? What is knowledge? What is real? What is love? Whether people know it or not these questions influence life's decisions. The answers to the questions help us to develop our outlook on the world and on our personal values. They guide us like lit paths. They don't keep us from getting lost but the light they provide bring us back to where we need to be.

I wonder if I would still be the same person had I never set in on that very first philosophy class. If I would have never asked myself those questions that professor... hmmm. I think I'll return to pursuing my knowledge now.