Monday, February 22, 2010

Ooh Wee He is Fiiiiine

So, last night I had an extremely good conversation with my sister... and I admitted something that was so true and so on point that I had to Facebook it. The funny thing is, not everyone was feeling it. In fact, I got quite a few emails, an angry phone call, and even some odd text messages, all from guys to... go figure.

"You know, I be thinking I have feelings for people... turns out, I just be horny."-Yeah I said it, so what-

You gotta admit that is kinda funny and true. Let's be serious for a second people. Being horny can kind of be considered an emotion. Which is defined as any strong feeling. And being horny is quite a strong feeling. Anyone who says different has never been horny (or getting it in day in and day out).

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that every relationship I've ever been in is because I wanted some, it's just that, those guys who I should have known weren't good for me and who I knew I would never consider a lifetime partner, I've simply lusted over. They were sexy, and at the time, had it going on on the outside.

Being horny is an emotion people wear on their sleeve so to speak. One minute they're lusting over that guy or girl (b/c fellas y'all do it too) in the club. Saying stupid things like, "look at how he moving on the dance floor I bet he could ooh wee all up in the bedroom. Ima get that." Or "Dang shortie got an ass on her, ima hit that and make her one of my jants." But after a failed attempt or a change of topic, the feeling is gone.

In all honesty, I'll admit, I've entertained the thought of talking to a guy because of his physical, but I know that'll get me nowhere. As much as I love to look at a fine tall brother and think about how pleased I'd be in the bedroom, I need more in my life than some thang thang. And that's the truth honey.

I'm not knockin' you if all you looking for is some good good, but ummm don't let your hormones pick and choose the "relationships" you choose to be in because eventually, you're gonna wanna know more about the person you're having sex with... at least I hope so.

Monday, February 15, 2010


You need to stop thinking about the sh*t niggas in ya past put you through, they didn't deserve you anyway. If you continue to be scared of love because of the past you'll miss out on what the future holds for you. -Duck-

Damn she's right.

Duck pretty much put me in my place last night. And as much as I hate to admit it. She's so right. I use to think that I just had trust issues but in reality I'm scared as hell. For everything I had to say about why I was scared or why I acted the way I did she had a counterattack.

I realize that love isn't easy, I understand that. However, I don't believe it should be this difficult. There is no way I can put all of my heart and soul into a relationship and get hurt and then be ready and willing to just jump right back in the game. It's hard to forget about the things that hurt you the most. Duck says I have to be willing to let go, and just like always, she's right. I know I have to learn to let go but easier said than done.

I'm doing better though, I don't have as many walls up as I used to, but Duck pointed out that as many walls as I have let down, the biggest one is still standing... sure it's been chipped away at but...

Duck said that I'm not really scared of getting hurt again, once you've been hurt you know what the pain feels like. She said that I'm afraid of being happy because me being happy has led to me being hurt. Dang what a way of putting it huh? Like wow!

She said that I need to stop being a punk and grow the hell up. Me wanting to be independent and strong is gonna lead to me being single and full of resentment. If I don't get it together I could miss out on great things to come. She has a point that I cannot challenge.

I gotta get my mind right...

If you continue to let your past scare you, it will scare you right past your future.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The 25th Day

It's finally over! My fast has come to an end and if I do say so myself, I'm very proud of me. At first this fast was just a test of wills. Could I hold out voluntarily without cracking. I started this journey with my a few good friends and ended up finishing it alone.

My sisters and my girls let me down, but it's all good because in all honesty I didn't think any of us would make it. Well, it is Valentine's Day and, my fasting is technically over. So, do I end it just because I can or do I hold on to this new found strength.

I mean, let's be real. I have no man, and I don't wanna be that chick out having sex with some random guy just to get off. I've been doing it, well not doing it, for this long why should now be any different.

Well, it's Valentine's Day and I have plans of my own to attend to. Taking myself to Richmond to do a little retail therapy and then dinner at my favorite place. Happy V-Day bloggers!!!!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A Decision Overshadowed

I've made my decision. I feel like I made it to soon though. But, I did think it all the way through, hundreds of times. I had no choice really. I couldn't sleep thinking about how this decision would affect me. I know people are going to think I made the wrong decision but, it's okay. And I know I'll be mad at myself in the beginning but after a while, it won't matter any more how mad I was.

I'm hoping my desires to be great and to take it one step further will overpower my desire to hate it, the decision I made. I say this because, this one decision could very well be the one that changes my life. I'm ready, excited and anxious. Yet, I'm not ready, dreading it, and nervous. No matter what, I'm going to be ready. I have to be. I cannot, and I will not let myself down.

I actually feel like I made the decision right off the back, I just hadn't admitted it to myself. This isn't my dream. It's not what I've wanted since I was a little kid. Does that make it right for me. Maybe, this is a part of growing up, realizing that your childhood dreams may some times be just that. Childhood dreams. I'm not okay with laying them down by the riverside, I'm hoping that this new plan will help me to reach those dreams still.

No regrets, just lessons learned. I don't ask myself shoulda, woulda, coulda questions, because I know the decision I made was the one I wanted to make, even if I didn't really want to.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

My Intentions

So, I started this blog so that I could share some of my poetry and excerpts from the books I'm writing with the world. Well, those were my intentions anyway. Instead I wrote exactly what was on my mind or happened to be going on at the moment.

I just kinda went with the flow and let my fingers do what they do... dance across the keys. But now I'm about to get back on track. On Monday, since I left my poetry book at home (darn it!) I am going to start my third blog. Entitled... well I don't know yet.

But these weren't the only tings that fell through. My intentions of proving I could be trusted were... well let's just say I didn't do what I supposed to. But my new intentions are to get on the money. And do what I gotta do to prove myself. And I got a feeling it's gonna be extremely hard.

I have a very big decision to make and I have to make it by Friday... I'm about to go into heavy duty thinking mode for the next few days becasue I gotta make sure I do the right thing. I got some sound advice from some people today and I do appreciate it, and I understand where they are all coming from but... I gotta make sure I make my own decision. Making sure that I'll be happy with it in the end.

Friday, February 5, 2010

To Be Or Not To Be...

A Lady Trojan.

Whoa... never thought I'd be asking myself that question. Technically, I am a Trojan for the semester. However there have been offers and rumors of me staying until I have my master's. That's all well and good I'm all about getting my education. I actually like being in school sometimes.

But playing sports here... has always been out of the question. I mean, I have thought about it don't get me wrong. But I was like 12 and I didn't know any better. But I'm older now and this school just doesn't fit me right. I like the entire Athletics staff, I'm a part of it. But lately, people have been trying to buy me so to speak.

Brand new sweats, offers to work out with them in off season. Traveling. I mean, it gets no better but at the same time. They don't seem to understand that, this is not for me. I would forever be Mrs. Davis' daughter, and I am so much more than that. The money is very tempting, and so is all that comes with it. However, a loss of identity is not worth it.

25 Days of Fasting

So, people keep asking me about my fast. Some even tried to tell me that I shouldn't be eating at certain times of the day. So it's time I make this clear. I am fasting from doing the horizontal polka, the grown folks thang, the nasty. Lol, so many names it makes me giggle like a lil kid.

Don't get me wrong, I am very "addickted" according to those around me. Which is why this was such a shock to them. In fact they've joined in... well two of them have. My youngest sister and my co-worker. Everyone else is, well getting full.

Now this isn't permanent it's temporary. The girls (who are fasting with me) and I decided that we should all chill out until we get the one we want. And since we all seem to be having a bit of trouble we're... chilling.

I've been fasting for 15 days now. It's been a lot longer than that since I got what I needed and believe me them withdrawals ain't no joke. But I'm coping (j said i sound like an addict lmbo). But, I'm hopeful that this will all end very soon. Because frankly, I'm... well ya know.

Tryna make it to 25 days but ummm...

Rebel Yell

Whhhhhhhhooooooooo Hooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a feeling that has come over me. It's kinda hard to explain. I feel like it's coming too late though. I mean, at a point where I'm coming into my own of course and doing my grown woman thing. But at the same time...

I wanna do something outrageous and spontaneous. I've been hanging out with some old friends lately and needless to say I'm doing things I haven't done in a while. Like playing paint ball on a golf course. No pads, no face masks, just regular clothes and jackets. Man the adrenaline rush one gets when shooting bright red paint balls at people... crazy!!!!!

I went to a party... (ooh the sisters are gonna kill me). The Naked and Nasty to be exact. That was a bad good decision. Too much fun. But, parties are played out, and golf course paintball can't be played constantly, I mean it is illegal.

So... I've been thinking about body art... and I'm sold on a piercing most def. However, that's not enough... hmmm I have plenty of ideas. The outrageous part is that I'm truely considering the others, don't know when though. The one thing that holds me back is... What will it look like when I'm over this stage and I take them all out and the tats are... well faded?

Whhhhhhoooooooooooooo Hooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Coming Into My Own

Okay I have to admit it... I'm feelin' myself just a little. In all actuallity I wasn't really deliberately feelin' myself until my sis (WA-AP) pointed it out. And she's right. I don't know where this change came from or why it came when it did. Maybe it's because I'm trying to grow as a woman. Or maybe it's because I'm tired of being that chick. You know, the chick the guys are all cool with and refer to as "my nigga." I'M NOT A NIGGA DAMMIT!

Hmmm, but this whole girly thing, it's not so bad. I mean, I feel like I look kinda cute. And the attention, as I told WA-AP, is nice. Don't get it twisted, I'm not becoming arrogant or conceited. But yeah... The woman I am now on the inside is starting to show on the outside. Oh boy... I got a feeling I'm about to be on my grown woman forreal. And I'm kinda excited about it.