I Got Love On My Mind Because I Miss It

I miss it.
The love that is to be made.
The passion that is played upon.

But, why did I give it all up?
What made me want to let go of something so real.
Maybe it wasn't real love.

Maybe it was fake.
But, I miss it.

I miss...
I miss the long slow kisses..
The gentle touch of one's hand.

I miss the randomness before.
But most of all I miss the intimacy after.

I miss the soft heavy breaths I was forced to take.
The feeling of pure ecstasy.

But I gave it up.
Why?

Because I got tired of the planned sex.
As much as I enjoyed it,
I got tired of the pushing and pulling.

Because it wasn't real.
It was staged.
It was certain to happen.

I got tired of that.
I got tired of being told, when you get here...
I didn't miss that.

Sometimes, no, all the time.
I want the randomness.
The quality time.

Because I don't want love all the time.
Well, not the physical.
But when I want it, like now.

I want it.

I miss it.
The love.
Being loved on.

When I'm bored my mind wanders to
The love.

I got love on my mind.
Because
I Miss It.

Get It Out!!!!

These thoughts are kicking my butt. And then with everything I got going on right now I am losing my mind.

Okay I'm not really losing my mind. But I'm losing it.

Between these three classes, and work, and SGA, and English Club, and life. I'm just, I don't know.

Fighting the good fight. If it can even be called the good fight. But yesterday, I really got slammed with things.

School work, work-work, and even extracurricular work. How do they all manage to drop everything on me at once.

I already have a million and one thoughts. And now I have a million and twelve.

This week is already kicking my butt and I am in need of some fun. Some real, laugh about it weeks later fun.

Something to take my mind off of midterm stress. And all the other stress that comes with being a part of all of these organizations.

The 'rents and my lil sister are stressing me out too but I let the sh*t they do roll off because they never make any sense.

Inspiration

I use to write in this ugly green composition book everything I was feeling. And the way it came out was like poetry. But I can't seem to do that anymore.

I don't have the inspiration I use to. I don't that have that fire that use to drive me to pour out all of my emotions.

It's like something used to take over me and I'd just be holding the pen and the poem or the story would be writing itself.

I'd just be there to turn the page.

There to witness the greatness that flowed from the pen.

I miss feeling like that. I miss leaving school and running to my notebook so that I could shove all my thoughts out before basketball practice.

I miss having to carry around my notebook in college because things would come to me and I wouldn't want to forget them.

I have no idea where that inspiration came from but I need it back because I can feel all the thoughts weighing me down but I can't seem to get them out.

Mirror mirror on the wall... where has all my inspiration gone?

Bullshit Post...

I use to be the "Yes-Man," well the "Yes-Woman" until it all got to be too much. I was always taking on more than enough. I always had to be the over achiever. No matter what I happened to be doing if it needed to be done Courtney could do it.

Then I broke down and realized that sometimes I needed to say no. So, I started saying no, then I got so "no" happy that I said no to everything and ultimately had nothing.

Pure Boredom.

So, I needed to learn how to balance my yes' and no's. And I did. And I got back into the swing of things.

I mean I said yes to everything. Courtney I need this, that, listen to this, do this, give me this, let me have that.

Lord have mercy! What made me so upset was that people knew I would say yes.

And unfortunately I think I'm falling back into that, that whole Yes thing. I need to stop. People are starting to ask me questions that I feel obligated to say yes to and honestly, I don't want to say anything except BACK UP!

I have so many things that I am responsible for that it is all stressing me out. Maybe that's why I'm craving some fun.

I just need to sit back relax and write. Not this bullshit I write, but I mean WRITE.

This Weekend

When you make plans for the days ahead, for months ahead... do you ever consider yourself a physic, I mean, it's like you know the future.

Okay, that's my random-doesn't-make-much-sense-question of the day.

This weekend, I will be, working, and doing lots of reading and other homework. My summer session for the 2011 summer just started Monday and already I feel swamped. Two English classes and a Spanish class. The story of my life because well, this is what I wanted to study.

All of this reading and writing, and in two languages. I've got to be crazy to want to do this. Maybe not. Maybe it is because this is what I love. I love to read and write. I want to give another student the push my teacher gave me.

She said that reading and writing was more than just something that had to be done to learn. It's needs to be done to elevate a persons knowledge on life, and to release a person's stresses about life.

Gosh I wish I'd known then how right she was about that statement, I would've acted like I cared then.

But anyway, back to this weekend. I'm working, reading, and writing until I can't no more! I have tons of things to do now. It didn't seem like a lot when my classes started but then I realized... It's a helluva a lot.

Ah well, I can handle it, just gotta make sure I get it all done, and do well on it. Straight A's this summer, thats what I'm pulling for.

One Love

How Would You Feel...

Ever been asked a "How would you feel?" question. Not just any "how would you feel" question either. But a "how would you feel question," so inviting and so tempting that it gave you chills. So, real it made you close your eyes and think about just how you would feel. A question like that makes you exhale just thinking about it. It teases you. Makes your vivid imagination run wildly out of control. And it makes the physical tension that existed once before come back stronger than ever. Whoo, those questions. So, if you were asked one of those questions, how would you feel?

Love Actually, Yeah No

I love you.

Three very powerful words that should not be used unless the person using them is sure/ This isn't a phrase to be tossed around and used lightly.

So, I had a conversation a long time ago and these words came out my mouth, and I don't know why but for the last few months I been thinking about that same conversation, and I realize...

I don't think I meant it. It came out, very prematurely. It just kind of ran out of my mouth. To be honest I wish I could take it back.

Because even now, at this very moment, I don't know what love is. I haven't felt it yet. Not the way I've been told it'll feel.

But even then, not one person on this planet can say, this is what love is, and this is how it feels because everyone loves, perceives, and receives it differently.

I don't even know what made me say it. It just came out. I'm learning, from myself, that I don't really love as many people as I say I love you too and I'm trying to catch myself from using the term so loosely.

Even though this can't be learned I want to know, what does it consist of? Love is, what exactly?

Is it, knowing everything about someone and still wanting to be with them. Or is it taking care of someone when they need you the most, sacrificing yourself for them?

Is love knowing the little things? Someone's favorite color, favorite food, their favorite thing to do.

And what makes someone fall in love. What is it about human attraction. Other than the obvious physical of course.

What draws someone in to another person. Ugh, I just don't know. I can't really say. I guess that old cliche, you'll know when, is true.

I'm still wondering what made me say it. It frustrates me. But it's been done and although I can't take it back, I can and have learned from it.

I do know this though.

Love ain't easy, I see that when I talk to the old folks. And they know love.