Argh, Ugh, and Sheesh Man!!!!

What now? I mean really is it that hard for someone to actually open up and say something other than the same 6 or 7 words?

Sometimes when we talk I feel like I may be rambling or talking to much because he says nothing. It really is starting to piss me off.

And people wonder why I'd rather not say anything to them about what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. Maybe it's because people act like they don't care.

UGH!!! I'm just so fed up with having the same conversation over and over. Me doing all the talking and him just listening.

Don't get me wrong it's nice to have someone who'll listen. I truly love and appreciate that but DANG! How about a little reciprocation.

When I feel like I'm talking to much I feel like I'm being annoying. Ugh... I needa fall back, maybe its something I'm not getting.

Shucks if the guys doesn't want me to like him any more or talk to him he needs to just tell me so I can stop making a fool of myself.

Is that so wrong, to want someone to let you in? I mean even if it's something as simple as, my class was boring this morning at least its something.

Know what? I'm sleepy, I'm frustrated, and a little stressed from whats going on... I'm going to bed.

Wait, no I'm not. I'm gonna write on my wall until I calm down so that I can go to bed with a smile on my face.

Gonna get mad at me for want you to communicate negro please... its more to communication than saying "hi."

and I hate when I see this

............................

What the hello _______ goodmorning does .............. mean?

Someone tell me please.

Suddenly, I feel better. Maybe I'll go to sleep now.

Long Time, No Write

It's been forever since I posted something... life has just been so lifey. With so much going on I haven't had a chance to write much if anything unless I'm in class. But, I do have something I want to write about and I will most definitely be back to blogging on a regular basis because so much good has been happening that I have to share it with you all.

With that little bit being said I'm out, but will def be back soon.

Good day!

I'm a Daddy's Girl

My mother has a power over me that I hate that I gave her. She has he ability to make me break down and I am tired of it.

I want that power back. Actually to be quite honest, I don't think I ever had it. From day one I have been weak and scared and timid.

But I'm tired. I have changed everything else about my life as far as people who have used and abused me mentally and physically.

I either pushed them away or put my foot down and made it clear that if it was my life they were going to be a part of they had to change or leave. And in the end, I made them leave.

So why is it so hard to do the same with my mother?

Ugh, I just, I don't know what to say. She is the underlying factor in all my pain. It all runs so much deeper than people think.

No, I'm placing all the blame on her for I am the one that gave her my power but at 21 it's time for me to take it back, even if I have to fight her for it.

She wants so much for me to be like her student-athletes, and her former interns. But I can't be them, I can't even be me.

My goofiness is something she has always disliked. I gave up sports and that ended our mother-daughter relationship.

The pictures I take are all ugly if I'm not simply smiling and sitting there with my legs crossed and my fingers laced in my lap.

Because I'd rather hang with boys than deal with girls she thinks I'm a whore. No she said other people will start to think things. But hey, the only reason you think others are thinking certain things is because you're thinking them yourself.

All this time and my mother wondered why I never came home during the school year.

She is never satisfied. Excellent grades, two jobs, no kids, no drugs, no boys running in and out my life and I'm not good enough.

I want my power back. I refuse to let her break my spirits. Always comparing me to someone, saying... "Why can't you be like Jane, she's doing this, this, this, and this."

I chose to be involved in extracurricular activities not involving sports so I could separate myself from her and it worked. But it made life with her harder.

This will be my last year living with my mother at any time in my life. I can't do it anymore. I'm my happiest away from home. So... this is the first step to me taking it back...

I been trying all this time to make her happy and I just been taking it, not being happy with myself but that's all about to change.

From now on, I'm fighting back full force. I will not stand down, and I will not falter.

So Far I'm Sticking With It

It's only been 5 days but I been sticking with my declarations. I have been writing everyday but not on here.

I started a new journal, yes a journal. I don't want to call it a diary because it holds no secrets.

I'm excited about the things getting ready to happen. I'm setting myself up for greatness and going only where the Lord leads me. I have to stop trying to do things without him. It's not healthy.

I cut my hair. Well I didn't cut it, the beautician did. one side is slightly longer than the other though. It's almost kinda cute, don't know how I feel about to yet though. It's kinda cute but is it me???

Something different I guess. Glad hair grows back though because I asked for a cut, as in take off two inches, not a short side long side cut.

haha oh well... Let me get back to relaxing. My body is so restless, can't wait until I can do some real physical activity. I might even break the docs rules lol.

Last Remarks of 2010

This year has been one of... well it's just been one of those years. Things have been great, and things have been terrible. But, I'm not complaining, because they could have been a lot worse.

I am so grateful for everything that I had to endure this year, the good and the bad. And as much of a cliche that is I truly mean it.

I have been blessed enough to spend more time with my family from back home more than ever in this year.

I lost an aunt, but gained 2 new baby cousins, both boys and both very healthy. My family members, who never came around before are spending the new year with us and although I was skeptical at first I'm glad they're here.

After tonight, my facebook deleting spree will be over and I will have left everything about 2010 right here in this post.

The beginning of this year started off rocky but got better, and even took a turn for EXCELLENT! But all good things must come to an end and they did.

My level of mental toughness increased as well as my faith in God.

I went through something this year that rocked my world, and ultimately sparked my rebuilding process in which I am about to undergo, well have been undergoing.

My surgery went very well and I'm now at home spending time with family. I knew I wouldn't be in long but still, it felt good to be able to eat some real food.

Hospital food needs to be rethought. It's disgusting!!! I already made a complaint and it better be taken into consideration in the future lol.

I'm clearing my life of the last little bit of clutter left over from my first transformation.

I've lost friends and gained some very important ones. One in particular who I cannot wait to see once break is over.

I took control over my heart again and even made it known! I'm proud of myself and can't wait to see what the new year has in store for me.

NO New Year's resolutions just hard core declarations.

Happy New Year y'all!!!! See ya in 2011 smooches!!!!!

My December 17, 2010 Resolution

My resolution for the beginning of my "new life" as I am calling it consists of the follows:

I am going to get my car completely fixed... or get a new one.

I am going to get a better paying job.

I am changing my image (physically). I'm trying to do big things in big places where my sneakers and comfy sweats are not allowed.

I am going to become more financially independent.

I am going to start back writing everyday.

I am going to pray more.

I am going to find a place of my own... because before I graduate I want to have moved completely out of her house.

I will be a better friend.

I will be a better girlfriend, if applicable lol.

AND most importantly... I WILL TREAT MYSELF MORE TO LIFE!!!!

Fall 2010

The semester is now officially over. I got my grades. Unfortunately my G.P.A is a little lower because of that wretched C I got... my beautiful 3.5 gone and desecrated only to become a 3.4. So disappointed.

Other than that the semester was fantastic. I accomplished a great deal and even assumed some fantastic SGA positions across campus.

Classes were okay. Don't get me wrong I love school but the overshadowing affect life had me this semester made classes nothing more than another task on my list of things to do.

I enjoyed my residents and am sad that I will be leaving them for the remainder of the school year but, hey things happen and life goes on. Hopefully I will return to them in the Fall. I'll seriously miss them.

Friendships were made and some were ended but it's all good. I gave people some insight into my inner young woman and wow... it got quite the response and prompted my heart with the go ahead to what I'm about to do next.

I have to admit, I did get the urge to run from the things that were trying to drag me down. I applied to TSU, and got in. I even had decided to go. But after talking to my grandma the decision was reversed. But I still plan on taking the 6 suitcases and 4 boxes of clothes home to Texas just in case I change my mind again.

I'm finding myself at a crossroad but starting to walk in the direction in which I want to go.

With all of these changes I'm making in the coming months I hope to see an improvement in myself. In my dedication towards ME. My image is one that is being renewed... so long 2010, hello life after.