This Is Not Goodbye

Over the past few months I have been going through this process. I was always saying that I was changing but a friend of mine said to me that people never change, they just become who they have always wanted to be.

And he was right. So, I began doing all of these things. I started working out again, I made the big chop, and I let go of a lot of people.

I find that the more I focus on myself and the more and work on making life better for myself the happier I become.

There is nothing wrong with letting people go when they are the ones trying to hold you back.

So, they had to go.

I'm excited about this fresh start. And with all of this "coming of age" type improvements what better way to really go at it than to finally do what I have been wanting to forever, and that is start a new blog.

So, with a bittersweet feeling in the pit of my stomach I am now done writing on this blog. I have shared with it some of the best and worst, and downright comical times.

I have argued with people through this blog, cried on it, and even lost my temper. And it has all been a helluva ride.

I have fallen in deep like and been dumped on this blog. I met great people and lost great friends.

On this blog I admitted to some of my fears and even confessed some of my secrets.

I thought about deleting it but, I can't... it is a part of me and I will cherish all of the memories that come with this blog. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Thank you for suggesting I start one, because it did more for me than I thought it would.

So, without further ado, I prepare myself for tomorrow's first entry in my new blog.

Special thanks to @minusthebars who unknowingly helped me to name my next blog.

Welp, here goes nothing.

One Love.

What The Plank???

Hahahaha it's funny.

That was my first thought when I saw the pictures of random people all over planking all over. I even witnessed it first hand and man was it funny.

But I had no idea where it came from. I thought maybe it had come from a movie. Something one of today's comedians had done in a show that was sweeping across the nation.

Thanks to Twitter (because Twitter is so educational, ha!) I saw a link that allowed me to see just what planking really was and where it came from.

Someone tweeted a link, which I wish I still had access to about how planking came from slavery. How planking originated from slaves being stacked one on top of the other.

This took all the fun out laughing at you idiots for planking. So, I proceeded to Google the term "planking."

All I saw was "Planking- Australian lying down game." You all need to see that slavery, our history, is being erased and aspects of it, like planking, no matter how horrible it may be has been classified as a game.

Stacking human beings on top of each other to make room and save money is not a game to me. It's ignorant and as funny as it was before, it's stupid now.

Give it a rest. Find something else to imitate.

And if that doesn't make you want to stop... google this ---> "Man Dies From Planking."

Its All Out Now

All of those thoughts that I had I got em out. Talked em out now I just got to write em down. Ima do that later though.

I Got Love On My Mind Because I Miss It

I miss it.
The love that is to be made.
The passion that is played upon.

But, why did I give it all up?
What made me want to let go of something so real.
Maybe it wasn't real love.

Maybe it was fake.
But, I miss it.

I miss...
I miss the long slow kisses..
The gentle touch of one's hand.

I miss the randomness before.
But most of all I miss the intimacy after.

I miss the soft heavy breaths I was forced to take.
The feeling of pure ecstasy.

But I gave it up.
Why?

Because I got tired of the planned sex.
As much as I enjoyed it,
I got tired of the pushing and pulling.

Because it wasn't real.
It was staged.
It was certain to happen.

I got tired of that.
I got tired of being told, when you get here...
I didn't miss that.

Sometimes, no, all the time.
I want the randomness.
The quality time.

Because I don't want love all the time.
Well, not the physical.
But when I want it, like now.

I want it.

I miss it.
The love.
Being loved on.

When I'm bored my mind wanders to
The love.

I got love on my mind.
Because
I Miss It.

Get It Out!!!!

These thoughts are kicking my butt. And then with everything I got going on right now I am losing my mind.

Okay I'm not really losing my mind. But I'm losing it.

Between these three classes, and work, and SGA, and English Club, and life. I'm just, I don't know.

Fighting the good fight. If it can even be called the good fight. But yesterday, I really got slammed with things.

School work, work-work, and even extracurricular work. How do they all manage to drop everything on me at once.

I already have a million and one thoughts. And now I have a million and twelve.

This week is already kicking my butt and I am in need of some fun. Some real, laugh about it weeks later fun.

Something to take my mind off of midterm stress. And all the other stress that comes with being a part of all of these organizations.

The 'rents and my lil sister are stressing me out too but I let the sh*t they do roll off because they never make any sense.

Inspiration

I use to write in this ugly green composition book everything I was feeling. And the way it came out was like poetry. But I can't seem to do that anymore.

I don't have the inspiration I use to. I don't that have that fire that use to drive me to pour out all of my emotions.

It's like something used to take over me and I'd just be holding the pen and the poem or the story would be writing itself.

I'd just be there to turn the page.

There to witness the greatness that flowed from the pen.

I miss feeling like that. I miss leaving school and running to my notebook so that I could shove all my thoughts out before basketball practice.

I miss having to carry around my notebook in college because things would come to me and I wouldn't want to forget them.

I have no idea where that inspiration came from but I need it back because I can feel all the thoughts weighing me down but I can't seem to get them out.

Mirror mirror on the wall... where has all my inspiration gone?

Bullshit Post...

I use to be the "Yes-Man," well the "Yes-Woman" until it all got to be too much. I was always taking on more than enough. I always had to be the over achiever. No matter what I happened to be doing if it needed to be done Courtney could do it.

Then I broke down and realized that sometimes I needed to say no. So, I started saying no, then I got so "no" happy that I said no to everything and ultimately had nothing.

Pure Boredom.

So, I needed to learn how to balance my yes' and no's. And I did. And I got back into the swing of things.

I mean I said yes to everything. Courtney I need this, that, listen to this, do this, give me this, let me have that.

Lord have mercy! What made me so upset was that people knew I would say yes.

And unfortunately I think I'm falling back into that, that whole Yes thing. I need to stop. People are starting to ask me questions that I feel obligated to say yes to and honestly, I don't want to say anything except BACK UP!

I have so many things that I am responsible for that it is all stressing me out. Maybe that's why I'm craving some fun.

I just need to sit back relax and write. Not this bullshit I write, but I mean WRITE.